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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH may be having an affair??

586 replies

Autvet · 22/06/2017 19:46

Asking because I can't get my head round this.... please help!! DH works away a lot, nice hotels etc ... emptying his trousers for washing this evening ( yep I'm living the dream) & found his room paper key for yesterday's hotel stay - no of people on room is 2 confused.... he called me to say hi last night but from the hotel gardens as reception 'awful' in hotel room.... am I being suspicious or is it deserved?? Really want to call hotel as I've kept room key etc but how can I find out how many people stayed etc etc ?? Any ideas ?? sad

OP posts:
Boredbeforeievenbegan · 23/06/2017 09:07

Trust your instincts. Hotels need to know how many people stay for fire lists, they also need to know how many breakfasts for staffing/ordering levels. Despite all that and the 2 main courses the most glaring red flag is him not letting his phone out of his sight.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/06/2017 09:09

Ilovemybabygirls actually a few people have said that snooping is not cool so why are you going on at Onion about it?

And what has poster's gender got to do with anything to whoever brought it up?

ComputerUserNotTrained · 23/06/2017 09:11

Bullshit about two salads and two beers being suspicious (it doesn't look good hun :( ), about it being unusual to stay in country hotels for work, suggestions answers could be got by phoning the hotel... are supportive to the op how exactly?

CherylVole · 23/06/2017 09:12

MImsnet aoways explains away huge pointers imo

OnionKnight · 23/06/2017 09:12

Just so I know for future reference, should I not comment on threads where a man is suspected of cheating, because y'know I'm a man and I'm not always slating the man in the scenario based on circumstantial evidence?

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:13

Middleclass, you and I have different ideas about what constitutes snooping... doing the washing and finding a room card in your DH trousers does not constitute snooping on any level!

Of course it is not cool to be a snooper, and I wish you would stop calling OP that, because she isn't.

Whatsername17 · 23/06/2017 09:13

Op, tell him you do not believe him. Then tell him to hand over his phone if he's got nothing to hide. If he kicks off, refuses and gets angry then ask him to leave until he is prepared to admit the truth. Make sure he knows the only way he can stay is if he hands over the phone there and then. Leaving and then coming back will just have given him time to delete the evidence.

araiwa · 23/06/2017 09:14

I too agree that onion has a point in some posters are gleefully feeding ops paranoia.

Keeping his phone to himself is not 100% proof of anything so people saying hes definately having an affair arent really helping.

Maybe op is right, maybe not. But if she isnt sure, no way can anyone here be either

Saiman · 23/06/2017 09:14

But OP is not an abuser, she has simply found invoices and a room cards and it does not add up. The two situations are entirely different and shouldn't be compared.

So where is the line.

She has called hotels to get the receptionist opinion on signal, she has been through his phone, she has happened to find an invoice, she was planning or trying to get the receptionist to send her the invoice.

Where does it go from justified snooping to controlling behaviour?

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionKnight · 23/06/2017 09:15

For the love of god, the OP has admitted that she has snooped in the past and not found anything.

The OP has found a keycard and now an invoice, I doubt they just jumped into her hands.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:15

Boredbefore - I agree completely. Hiding the phone and locking it up with passwords is a red flag. Would be to me definitely.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:16

Saiman

I suspect there is nothing I could say to adjust your thinking. So I am not going to waste my time.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/06/2017 09:17

Ilovemybabygirls it's that op said on page on that she was considering calling the hotel and had done it before and I also think the snooping responses are not just aimed at op but also people saying "check his phone" and coming up with covert ways to check.

Saiman · 23/06/2017 09:17

I too agree that onion has a point in some posters are gleefully feeding ops paranoia.

I agree with this too. From claiming 'men dont order one salad, never mind two' to 'people dont stay in country house hotels for business'.

The OP is being fed crap under the guise of support and it isnt helping.

araiwa · 23/06/2017 09:18

Surely everyone with a mobilephone has a password on it. I know i have so if its stolen or lost , randoms cant use my info

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:18

Onion they keycard was in the pocket of the trousers she was washing! She was not rifling through his things she was doing something loving and caring for him at the time. Who would not feel sad at the prospect of finding these things?

Your are very insensitive.

Roomster101 · 23/06/2017 09:18

I think OP would have to be quite naive not to be suspicious at this point. All those things in isolation aren't suspicious but added together with no reasonable explanation (e.g. he hasn't claimed that he was having a meal with a colleague) is suspicious.
The trouble with confronting him at this stage though is that he will probably deny anything is going on and he will be alert to the fact that OP is suspicious (if he isn't already) and will just be more covert in the future. When I was in a similar situation with an ex many years ago I didn't tell him I was suspicious as I think that if you give someone enough rope to hang themselves, eventually they do.

Sallystyle · 23/06/2017 09:19

Oh come on. He called her and said he didn't eat much because he wasn't hungry. Now he is saying he had one salad and was still hungry so ordered another.

It's pretty obvious he ate with someone else. Whether that was innocent or not remains to be seen but he ate with someone else.

I am sorry OP Thanks It could be that you are so insecure he is covering up innocent behaviour but perhaps the reason you are insecure in the first place is because you have good reason to be. I hope you get to the bottom of it all soon.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/06/2017 09:19

Ilovemybabygirls and where do I call OP a snooper? I've just said about other people saying it

NavyandWhite · 23/06/2017 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:19

OP please come back to us when you have an update, hoping that you are talking now and all is okay.

OnionKnight · 23/06/2017 09:20

*Onion they keycard was in the pocket of the trousers she was washing! She was not rifling through his things she was doing something loving and caring for him at the time. Who would not feel sad at the prospect of finding these things?

Your are very insensitive.*

And the invoice just happened to jump out did it?

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:20

Navy - the same in our house. We all know each others passwords and no one minds if we text from each others phones if the battery is dead or whatever.

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 09:22

Onion - and you expect her just to forget about the room card and the behaviour around his phone...why would she not check the invoice?? She has 22 years of marriage and kids riding on this Onion, so don't you dare blame her for checking her facts before confronting him.