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To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

437 replies

allfurcoatandnoknickers1 · 21/06/2017 21:29

I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

OP posts:

LillyLollyLandy · 21/06/2017 21:30

It's shocking behaviour. Tell her it's no longer convenient for them to stay over.


paddlenorapaddle · 21/06/2017 21:34

Cheeky cow ask her directly if you're invited on Saturday then you can all travel up together and wouldn't that be nice

If I were you I'd be direct and ask her outright


maddening · 21/06/2017 21:34

Let them come and ask them outright to their faces - fuck the awkwardness - let them feel fucking awkward.


bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 21/06/2017 21:35

If it is bothering you, you need to be honest.

Ask her outright WHY you and your family are always excluded every year from your niece's birthday party.

Or you can say no - and be honest. Tell her that it hurts your feelings that you and your family are excluded and not once has a reason been given. Tell her it is spiteful, rude and very hurtful.

YANBU for being hurt. But you know you will never know unless you ask.


grannytomine · 21/06/2017 21:36

Ask the little girl if she's having a birthday party, she will probably drop them in it and then you can look at your sister to see what she says.


HildaOg · 21/06/2017 21:36

Have you asked why your never invited? Is there any reason that you can think of (fighting, political rants, drunkenness, bad blood...)? If there's no serious reason then there's no excuse for treating your family like this.

Don't let them stay. If you're not welcome at theirs, they shouldn't be at yours. I'd ask why before cutting them out but they deserve as much of your time as they give to you.


frenchcheeses · 21/06/2017 21:37

Grow a backbone and ask her why...


Gemini69 · 21/06/2017 21:38

good lord what is wrong with people.. how darned RUDE... absolutely say something .. this is awful... and YET they are happy enough to take your gifts I see.. x


allfurcoatandnoknickers1 · 21/06/2017 21:38

The thing is I know that if I say anything they will accuse me of causing trouble. And my brother in law is the type to hold a grudge. They will most definitely feel uncomfortable if I confront them about it, but will ensure that they pass the blame back on to me. This has happened before.

OP posts:

lorelairoryemily · 21/06/2017 21:39

I'd just ask her straight out why you haven't been invited. That's so rude and hurtful.


Piratesandpants · 21/06/2017 21:39

Why aren't you asking her rather than us???


Leeds2 · 21/06/2017 21:40

Do they maybe have issues with your DH? Although I can't think they do, or they wouldn't be happy to stop in his house!

Sounds very odd that they won't admit that they are having a party, then put photos on FB which they must know you will see.


NoSquirrels · 21/06/2017 21:41

I'd have asked before now, and I'm not confrontational. But I can't imagine this happening in my family.

Have you just never spoken of it with your other family members? Is there someone in the extended family who has any issue with you/your DH?

Definitely ask what the plans for DN's birthday party are - that's reasonable chit-chat, quite honestly. Go from there depending on response.


Madbum · 21/06/2017 21:41

They sound like gaslighting pricks, I wouldn't have them to stay when they're so rude and spiteful to you.


AnthonyPandy · 21/06/2017 21:42

I'd cancel them staying and just back off from them.


NoSquirrels · 21/06/2017 21:43

Can you not ask your older sister if she can shed any light on why you're never invited? Would that be "causing trouble" too?


allfurcoatandnoknickers1 · 21/06/2017 21:43

There has been bad blood and drunken rants in the past. I was a bit of a handful in my twenties. But I'm 37 now, married with 3 kids. I've mellowed enormously and I haven't stepped out of line or been rude at a family event in a good decade at least.
Our older sister (the one who is invited every year) is a heavy drinker. And she is married to a man who openly dislikes little sisters FIL. If they can tolerate that crap then why ensure we never attend these parties when we're far less likely to cause problems than other people on the guest list?

OP posts:

Squishedstrawberry4 · 21/06/2017 21:45

Can you ask them if you can attend the party?


nancy75 · 21/06/2017 21:48

Phone your sister & ask her, tell her you haven't wanted to upset or cause trouble but want to know why you are not invited. Do none of your other family think it's weird that you don't get invited?


allfurcoatandnoknickers1 · 21/06/2017 21:48

If I ask our older sister she would make sure she had little sisters back. They are very close.
I'm not as close to the eldest, but I thought I had a very close relationship with my little sister. Our families holiday together from time to time. I honestly can't think of a good reason why they exclude us every year.
I believe they like my OH. He's relaxed, friendly and the type who would always walk away rather than have a confrontation. It's all so weird.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 21/06/2017 21:49

'rude at a family event in a good decade at least.'

I think that's your answer, they're worried you'll kick off.


NoSquirrels · 21/06/2017 21:50

Sounds like an issue with you and big sister, tbh ...


allfurcoatandnoknickers1 · 21/06/2017 21:52

I am going to ask her. But I needed to know if I was being a div about it or not.

OP posts:

Patriciathestripper1 · 21/06/2017 21:53

I wouldn't even bother being In Contact with her tbh.
and no way would they be staying with me either.


GwenStaceyRocks · 21/06/2017 21:53

If you ask them then you need to be prepared for whatever answer comes back. How will you respond if they say it's because you ruined events in the past and we don't want to give you that opportunity again?
If your automatic answer is to say 'well, DSIS' DH doesn't like your FIL' then that doesn't seem as though you're remorseful or that you respect them having a boundary over your previous bad behaviour.
Of course, their response may be completely different but you have to think about what your preferred outcome is here.

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