to not be able to get over DH'S fussy eating?

[wowl]

I'm prepared to be told I am, but I'm just at the point of being beyond frustrated and into very angry. I'm probably being ridiculous so this is a bit lighthearted but I am frustrated.

I don't remember him being this bad when we got together. I really don't. I'm an adventurous person but not even that adventurous an eater, the food I like is perfectly normal. I used to bend to what he liked and cook things he'd eat (SAHM of a toddler) but now we live with another family member who also likes what I like so the fact he won't eat it is really being rubbed in my face now.

Meals he will eat:

• beef burgers with chips (picks the salad out if at a restaurant)
• margarita pizza
• chicken nuggets or breaded chicken breast and chips
• toad in the hole
• sausages in a baguette or with mash and peas
• fish and chips
• tikka masala
• lasagna if pushed
• cheese sandwiches

...that's pretty much it. Made non-spicy fajitas tonight and he's picked over one for 45 minutes

I just feel like I'm living with 2 children instead of one, and I find it a massive turn off. It's driving me mad at the moment, so AIBU to be really annoyed by this? He says he "tries new things" but that means taking one bite and making faces. I can't take it anymore!

There's no doubt though, that some fussers are attention seeking pains in the arse - I find it's pretty easy to tell which is which!

How though? I have been labelled an attention seeker by people who probably also consider themselves to be able to tell the difference. Those people who labelled me in that way have and always will be wrong, they haven't the faintest idea.

Because I've encountered numerous people who describe messiness as a fundamental and unchangeable aspect of who they are (see also: chronic lateness), refuse to see it as anything they can or should try to change, and frame any inconvenience to others as "their problem" that they can "put up with or leave".

By your own admission upthread, it's possible to get help for/work through food issues. I know it's possible too, as a former fussy eater.

And I've also seen fussy eaters like my OH eat foods on their "off list" quite happily when they're unaware they're eating them, indicating it's not a taste problem, it's a perceptual one. (Before you accuse me of anything, I don't and wouldn't sneak foods into his diet. But there have been times when I've become aware that a meal I didn't prepare had "off list" items in it, e.g. a bologese made by the nanny that had mushrooms in it, soups that contained vegetables he won't eat, seafood in a sauce, etc). And perceptual issues can be overcome.

@deleteordecay

It doesn't sound like you're in the category of people who expect everyone else in the household to cook and eat around your preferences, nor the sort who pulls faces or childishly says "No, X is disgusting", when offered foods they don't like, and is capable of acknowledging that your food issues can be hard on others as well.

So you're probably not at the end of the ire/intolerance on the thread.

People who say "I'm messy/lazy, it's just who I am, deal with it" are not the same as people who would have actual problems with lifting after themselves, like a problem following through with routines or depression. The latter is the same as someone who has a food issue that is normally described as fussiness. (Even the label "fussiness" is inaccurate as it implies it's a choice)

And yes it is possible to seek help for food issues, (not always successful, like I said earlier, it is extremely complex) but I'm not sure what your point is, that doesn't mean it is a choice to have the issue in the first place!

quite happily when they're unaware they're eating them, indicating it's not a taste problem,

Who said it was always taste problem? It can be a texture problem, a smell problem, an association problem, a fear of gagging problem, a stomach irritation problem, or any other of a variety of problems. You don't have a clue what you're talking about.

Taste, texture, whatever,sure. But if someone who will vehemently refuse to eat a food ("No, its gross, I hate the texture, I don't like the smell, they're disgusting, I will never eat a dish with them in it") can happily eat and enjoy a dish with said item in it when they simply don't know it's in there, surely you can understand that to others it seems like a dislike that is perceptual only?

So you're probably not at the end of the ire/intolerance on the thread.*

But I have encountered such intolerance both in real life and on similar threads on mn in the past.

Lots of people are saying things like "I can't abide fussy adults with no SEN/medical needs". Lots of people have said they find adult fussiness childish. I have no diagnosed SEN and no medical needs, so I guess that makes me one of those adults some people can't tolerate? All because I don't eat as wide a selection of foods as most people?

I agree that people who are rude and expect others to cater to them are intolerable and I try my best to not be this person. But lots of posters seem to be talking about adult fussiness in the general sense so sorry if I and others appear to be a little defensive.

when they simply don't know it's in there

Precisely! Does that not tell you that it's more than just fussiness? That it's actually a psychological thing they are struggling with! It's the knowing the thing is there that strikes fear into them. Once they know it's there the throat closes up, the gag reflex kicks in, the stomach starts churning. It's really not just as simple as not fancying eating broccoli. It's far more complex than that, which I have been saying but people are ignoring in favour of proclaiming us all immature picky bastards looking for attention and wanting to ruin everyone else's night out or holiday.

Hang on, you are likening a severe food issue (in some cases an eating disorder) to being a lazy bastard who leaves their shit lying everywhere! One of those is a choice and one isn't. How can you not see the difference?

The person with the severe issue also has a choice - try to overcome it, or try not to.

Also totally respect that people won't/can't eat certain things for religious or allergy reasons. My daughter's best mate is Muslim so when she comes for tea I wouldn't dream of feeding her sausage and mash. Her mum usually says she's veggie for simplicity, but she will eat pretty much anything - fish fingers, pizza, cheesy pasta, salad, tuna salad, felafel, houmous and pitta bread, sandwiches, toasties - anything. Totally different ball game from the "only eats chicken nuggets and waffles" brigade.

My DH is like this. In the beginning I tried to change him but he's as stubborn as a mule. Anyway he cooks for himself and I leave him to get on with it. It's annoying sometimes when we eat out and embarrassing at weddings. However 2 years ago when my son was diagnosed ASD it became very clear that my DH was too. He works in IT and several of the guys there are definitely on the spectrum and many have really bad fussiness over food. It's quite a common thing with ASD. Maybe the case for your DH?

For me, fussy eaters are usually bred in child hood, where a parent panders to it and the child then grows up to be an adult with a habit they can't break and physiological issues surrounding it.

Awhile ago my daughter commented to her friend who has turned veggie, " I couldn't turn veggie, I'd friggen starve, mum would just serve up the normal".

We all go through that stage with kids. For me, I served it up, if she didn't eat it, she went to bed hungry. End of. No snacks to make up for it. No big deal, we ignored it and ate our meals. They soon eat when they are hungry and realise no one will make a fuss over it.

In addition you lead by example. Trying new things. On our recent holiday my daughter ordered the baby octopus salad, saying she loved trying new things and hadn't had it before. Granted she baulked at eating the heads, and boy was she hungry by dinner time,

In my view, when faced with an extreme fussy eater, then someone somewhere pandered to it at some point in most cases and as an adult uou should take control and sort yourself out. You're not special, everything non beige won't knock you sick, and it's time to be a grown up and get over it.

Wouldn't allow it in a child, wouldn't tolerate it in a partner.

I would struggle with that too. I have various likes and dislikes amongst my family and occasionally I will have to adapt a recipe to cope but by and large it's not a problem. DH hates coconut in any form - the rest of us love Thai food with loads of it! When I cook that DH fends for himself. If I were you I'd cook what I liked and leave him to do the same - presumably a freezer full of chicken nuggets and sausages would do keep him happy.

I confess I find fussy eaters irritating but I suspect that is my issue as much as theirs.

I can see where you're coming from on that Sally, but I also think that immature picky bastards do exist, as do attention-seekers, as do people who have food issues and expect them to be serviced by others without putting in any effort themselves. And you're conflating the latter three categories with your own. Or do you not think the latter categories exist?

"Awhile ago my daughter commented to her friend who has turned veggie, " I couldn't turn veggie, I'd friggen starve, mum would just serve up the normal". "

Really? Gawd. I don' count vegetarianism as fussy eating. I have two in my family - we all tend to eat veggie most days of the week now. It's no big deal.

but I also think that immature picky bastards do exist, as do attention-seekers, as do people who have food issues and expect them to be serviced by others without putting in any effort themselves.

Of course they exist, but it isn't the case that fussiness = all of the above. It really isn't. Some fussy eaters will have those traits but many won't. Many really struggle and would give anything to be able to go for a surprise meal somewhere they've never been and just pick anything off the menu without a sense of growing dread in their stomach from the first mention of "let's go out for dinner".

the way this thread has gone has shown that most commenters think all fussy eaters possess all those traits mentioned and sit and pull faces at every meal someone makes them. It's just not the case.

Ah sorry no I didn't mean veggie was fussy, simply that I wouldn't cater to specific diets in my immediate family. I do with guests but not daughter or husband,

the way this thread has gone has shown that most commenters think all fussy eaters possess all those traits mentioned and sit and pull faces at every meal someone makes them. It's just not the case

I'll be honest, yes I'm one of those people and I think that's the case. Picky attention seekers who expect others to pander or change their lives to evolve round them. I accept it may be a habit that's ingrained, but I don't for one moment believe it's something anyone has to live with.

You're not special, everything non beige won't knock you sick, and it's time to be a grown up and get over it.

Nice.

I'll be honest, yes I'm one of those people and I think that's the case.

No need to be honest, we could tell 😂

If you have a freezer, stock up on all the food (crap) your partner eats and tell him to DIY. Aldi/Lidl should be able to fill your freezer on a budget.

Would you apply for a Hello Fresh subscription? You can set them to one person and you get send just enough for the meals. They're quite budget friendly and means you're trying new things x

I think it would help you if you could get into the mindset of "he can't help it". I have a fussy child and I genuinely think she just can't stand foods mixed together for some reason, possibly a strong sense of taste. Yes, some people can increase their repertoire but it's usually gradual and can be a stressful process. Fussy eaters generally don't want to be that way. Personally I'd just work around it by buying convenience food that he can cook himself, or mix and match so you cook something you like half the time and something he will eat the other half.

My DP is a stereotypical Scotsman who likes processed and fried foods. When my DS is around he makes more of an effort to join in family meals, but I see no point in expecting him to eat what I do. We all have "imperfections" and things that can irritate others. My attitude is that, as he can always fix himself a cheese toastie/sandwich or air fry himself chips and burgers from the freezer, and does not require wildly expensive, unaffordable foods (in fact that stuff is cheap) it's his choice to make. I cook for myself and he cooks for himself. He has learned very recently to cook for me, and although he is good at it, he rarely likes what he has made for me, even if I do. That's fine too. "Fussy" eating would only annoy me it impinged on or dictated my life too much, but DP's doesn't. He tries for me sometimes, but is just genuinely sensitive (issues about clothing too).

DS is fussy too, and actually gags if made to eat something he doesn't like. He is evolving his tastes, and generally gets enough of nutrients, so I try not make it into too much of an issue.

By contrast, I am a vegan human dustbin. Wish I didn't love food so much!

So, to go back to the OP, Sally, what helpful suggestions can be made? I think earlier you suggested that she caters to his limited diet and puts a salad or similar on the side for herself.

That seems like she would be hugely going out of the way for him. Does he have any reciprocal obligation to go out of his way for her, and try to work through his food issues so his family's diet isn't so limited?

Also, almost all eateries you go to will do a pizza, chips, or at the very least bread and butter, so I have never had to choose a restaurant according to DP's tastes. But we do eat out rarely.

So, to go back to the OP, Sally, what helpful suggestions can be made?

I've already made my suggestions twice in the thread now. I'll go again, she can either stop cooking for him or stop caring that he isn't eating what she wants him to. Both options will result in her being less stressed about this situation which certainly won't be resolved any time soon. He won't suddenly start eating all that is set down to him. So she can either stop cooking for him if she doesn't wish to make a separate meal (which is a perfectly fine option IMO) or she can decide not hold onto this resentment over it and continue cooking separate meals for him if she doesn't want to stop cooking for him.

My DP is a stereotypical Scotsman who likes processed and fried foods.

I'm as Scottish as they come and like fried foods too. But not ONLY fried foods and processed stuff. Please don't perpetuate the myth that we live on exclusively deep fried pizzas and Mars bars here. If living with a picky eater works for you then fine - crack on. But I just couldn't be cooking 5 different meals every night to accommodate fussy tastes, there's not enough hours in the day. And to me, eating out is one of life's great pleasures. I love trying new things and new tastes and am more than happy to give new dishes a try. I simply couldn't be with someone who was limited in what they were prepared to eat and whose idea of a special meal was splashing out for a Large at McD's instead of medium.