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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me, DP and Birth Control

104 replies

FakePlantsOnly · 20/06/2017 12:40

I recently had the birth control implant removed because I was getting two periods a month, I had tried having a new one fitted as my GP didn't know whether it was me or because the implant was coming to the end of its life.

I've since gone on to the pill, Celeste to be precise and have noticed that despite being just as active and eating just as well as I normally do, I'm putting on weight and really struggling to shift it; I had previously lost just under three stone and was finally in a place where I was happy with the way I looked, now I've put back on the best part of a stone and cannot get rid of it for love nor money. I mentioned this to DP and said that I was thinking about coming off of the pill because I can't deal with the weight gain and the mental state that then puts me in and said that after doing a lot of research I don't really want to have to take anything as I think it's the change in hormones causing all the issues; DP's first response was to become irate about the fact that this was massively going to affect our sex life and that he felt I was being selfish.

I guess I'm asking AIBU by not wanting it to be my responsibility as when it is I'm the one that has to deal with the changes that happen to my body not him, I've gained weight, my skin is breaking out more than ever and it's tearing my self esteem to pieces.

Any advice?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 20/06/2017 12:42

Could you try the copper coil as it has no hormones?

DisorderedAllsorts · 20/06/2017 12:43

Tell him to get the snip, if he wants sex then he should take equal responsibility for it. Typical blokish behaviour & thought process, they want the fun but not the responsibility that comes with it.

Kezi4 · 20/06/2017 12:44

It's hard. I'm in a similar position. YANBU.

Whilst I feel the correct and feminist is to come off hormonal birth control and just use condoms, there's huge societal pressure for it to be the woman's responsibility.

Have you considered a non-hormonal coil?

Kezi4 · 20/06/2017 12:46

*correct and feminist response

Slimthistime · 20/06/2017 12:46

well YANBU for a start.

my advice is that you have a serious talk with him about his priorities. If you end up from that that he doesn't respect or care for you.... you might need to reassess the whole relationship.

btw can he get the snip?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 20/06/2017 12:47

HE felt YOU were being selfish?!?

Your DP is being an utter dick. It's one thing to calmly and thoughtfully express that you don't love condoms, but you've been putting up with unpleasant hormonal side effects for a long time already evidently. He's being an entitled twat for getting irate at the idea that you might 'selfishly' not wtf to take something that makes you miserable.

You could try the copper IUD, but I think you've uncovered a big problem here. Does he have form for being this selfish? I find it hard to believe he doesn't.

pinkyredrose · 20/06/2017 12:48

What's wrong with condoms?

Any why is your partner happy for your body to suffer all these side effects? Does he not give a shit about you?

bebebunting · 20/06/2017 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepotatoe · 20/06/2017 12:49

I'd second the copper coil although down that road painful periods for a few months lies. You could also try a diaphram. In my experience they'll try and talk you out of both. Family planners like hormone coils, pills and implants.

I'm also VERY anti hormones, exactly why should we put our bodies through this and take on 100% of the risk of side effects/feeling shit.

However, absolutely not just your responsibility. Can he get the snip?

Newjob12345 · 20/06/2017 12:49

My advice is that you do as you please with your birth control.

Your previous BC was inconvenienceing you but I guess he wasn't bothered about that.

MissBax · 20/06/2017 12:49

YANBU - I stopped taking hormonal contraception a few years ago as I'm convinced it caused alot of health problems for me, and after reading various forums online I found literally thousands of other women with the same issues. I think it's dreadful we so willingly pump our women with these things. As another PP suggested, have you thought about the copper IUD?

RainbowPastel · 20/06/2017 12:49

He is being very selfish. It's as much his responsibility as it is yours.

Boring12 · 20/06/2017 12:50

YANBU, you don't get side effects from condoms! I gave up on using contraceptives for women about 5 years ago, it's just not worth it for some of us. You are not selfish for stopping medication that affects you negatively.

FledglingFTB · 20/06/2017 12:53

I was in this similar situation a few months ago. Although he was supportive I basically have DP an ultimatum and made it quite clear he had equal responsibility from now on. Funnily enough since I've had the implant out things have dwindled, the responsibility seems to be less of a mood-maker for him too. Funny that Hmm

FizzyGreenWater · 20/06/2017 12:54

Wow- well that tells you a lot of interesting information about your choice of partner!

He'd rather you feel ill and miserable than have his sex life affected.

How long have you been together? Have a good think if you want to stay with someone so selfish and entitled.

MandateMandy · 20/06/2017 12:54

Your body your choice. Have you discussed the possibilty of him having a vasectomy? He is being very unreasonable in expecting you to put up with horrible physical side-effects to make shagging a bit more convenient for him. I'd seriously question his attitude towards you.

mygorgeousmilo · 20/06/2017 12:56

YANBU and your partner is being an utter pig. Why is he assuming it's only your responsibility to take physically take on birth control, no matter what the consequences for you? Is he usually this awful?

EchidnasPhone · 20/06/2017 13:02

I decided after the birth of my 2nd child not to go back on any birth control. It messes with my physically & mentally. We chose to use condoms & after the birth of my 3rd my dh had the snip. His choice. Your dh is being very selfish.

ShesAStar · 20/06/2017 13:02

I know it's a pill so sorry if you've already thought about it but I take a progesterone only pill (POP) due to having a brain tumor which effected my hormones this is the only pill I'm allowed to take. Have a read about it because it doesn't interfere with your natural periods.

Original poster
FakePlantsOnly · 20/06/2017 13:04

I'll try to answer as many questions as possible to avoid drip feeding:

  1. The snip is not an option as we are both in our mid-twenties and plan on having children in the future
  2. We've been together for four years and have obviously had to have discussions about birth control before, we discussed everything before I had the implant put in and discussed me coming off of it and he fully understood that I couldn't spend-at that time-half my life on my period. I think the difference then was I was saying "I'll have it taken out and go on to the pill" whereas now I'm saying "I'm stopping birth control completely so WE now need to figure out what WE are going to do to make sure WE don't have a baby"
  3. Please don't get me wrong, besides this one occasion he is wonderful and couldn't be more supportive/do anymore for me which is why I'm really struggling with this
  4. I've done a lot of reading about the coil and really don't think I could deal with it, there are many reports of it being painful to have put in, I know people that have been on regular antibiotics to combat the subsequent infections; and I couldn't deal with the heavy/painful periods-I was put on the pill at 13 to stop that exact thing from happening as I was missing weeks worth of school and was very ill and now that I'm in full time employment in a job that I really like I don't want to be off sick all the time.
  5. In regards to condoms, obviously they appear to be our only remaining viable option-abstinence is not an option as I don't want to lose my sex life just as much as he doesn't- but we're saving for a house and only just getting by as it is without the added cost of condoms

Maybe I just need to speak to my doctor to see what my options are, but I'm really worried that I'm just going to get stuck in a cycle of "try this it might be ok" and all the shit stuff continues

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 20/06/2017 13:10

go to family planning and get a massive bag for free

DesignedForLife · 20/06/2017 13:15

YANBU to do what is best for your body. What's wrong with condoms?

Have you considered the implant or injection? I've no idea if it's better in terms of weight gain.

RatherBeRiding · 20/06/2017 13:15

There are other options - there's the cap (bit fiddly but no side-effects) and if used correctly is just as effective as condoms.

Also worth a more in-depth discussion re the coil - you may decide it's not for you but worth a chat to your GP/Family Planning clinic.

category12 · 20/06/2017 13:16

Regarding the coil, you can have a local injection when it's put in to avoid the pain. You would need to ask for that as they generally expect you to put up with it (take a couple of paracetamols beforehand, dear - no, fuck off, give me the good stuff).

I'm on the Mirena which is the hormonal coil, but it's low dose and it does stop my periods altogether. Might be worth thinking about?

Lovestonap · 20/06/2017 13:16

This isn't really the point, as the issue in your OP is your relationship with your.husband, however, for balance I have had the copper coil for over a year now, wasn't painful to put in (INSIST on anaesthetic injection), had a couple of heavy periods and am now back to the same cycle/experience of periods I had prior to using hormonal contraception.

I think it's fab. I too was fed up of hormonal contraception- I suffer from depression and it's so hard to work out what is causing which bad feeling etc....

You must find your own path, and as I say, I think the lack of understanding from your dp is the real issue - but just wanted to counteract some of the horror stories.

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