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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

giving a 15yo alcohol?

141 replies

user1494161156 · 20/06/2017 08:47

I hosted a big family gathering recently, and at dinner I gave my 15 year old niece one glass of white wine. An in-law was absolutely shocked by this and told me off after my niece had left. She basically said it amounted to child-abuse. My niece's parents weren't there and admittedly I didn't ask their permission to give her wine, but they are sensible people and I'm sure they wouldn't object.

I'm really astonished that anybody would think that giving a 15 year old a very small amount of alcohol, with food, while at home surrounded by older family members, was dangerous. I think it's much safer for kids to learn to drink sensibly and enjoy alcohol for the taste, rather than getting dangerously smashed on cheap vodka for the sake of it as soon as they turn 18.

AIBU?

OP posts:
coconuttella · 20/06/2017 12:45

Why does a 15 year old even need a drink

They don't... No one needs a drink though. I have a glass of wine with a meal because it's pleasant, and I'd think a 15 year old is of an age that I'd want to include them in having a glass of wine too if they wanted. It's unhealthy and counter-productive to have this cliff edge attitude where everything is totally forbidden one day, then on some magic Birthday, everything is permitted... that's not very sensible parenting imo.

Beeziekn33ze · 20/06/2017 12:52

How big was the glass? Did you offer her an alternative? Had she had wine before? Did she even want or ask for wine?
It really wasn't your place to give alcohol to a child who hasn't had it before.

Mercime · 20/06/2017 12:55

's unhealthy and counter-productive to have this cliff edge attitude where everything is totally forbidden one day, then on some magic Birthday, everything is permitted... that's not very sensible parenting imo.

It's not at all unhealthy! This attitude that we have to allow alcohol whenever they show an interest to 'demystify' it is why we have such a problem with alcohol in this country. France had this attitude and the levels of wine alcoholism are very high. Attitudes have changed in France.

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2017 12:58

"Is MN a magnet for the world's neurotic over-reactors, or am I living some kind of parallel life?"

Over reactors up to the age of 16, under reactors thereafter.

NotCitrus · 20/06/2017 13:20

Agreed, Bertrand.
I think that it's more important for kids to see people who can drink alcohol sensibly and know when to stop, than them drinking or being prevented from doing so themselves.

I dont drink much, rarely got drunk as a teenager compared to other kids, and I think that's down to my parents not drinking much. They actually drink much more now theyre retired! They also dinned into me that you never, ever drink alone, ever, and that is alcoholism. Which is a pretty good general rule - which I felt guilty about breaking age 40 to have a whisky when DP was out one evening. I texted him to assuage my conscience!

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 13:24

FFS a 15y/o is not a child can we please stop saying that!

coconuttella · 20/06/2017 13:24

It's not at all unhealthy! This attitude that we have to allow alcohol whenever they show an interest to 'demystify' it is why we have such a problem with alcohol in this country.

I'm not arguing for a moment we should give children and young people free rein when it comes to alcohol!... Sensible introduction to alcohol is responsible parenting imo.... a single glass of wine with a meal for a 15 yo constitutes that.

In my experience, when someone is strictly denied something, and then it suddenly becomes available, that person will be more likely to over-indulge. The wildest ones at College were often those with the strictest upbringings.

leonardthelemming · 20/06/2017 13:31

The point is I know my brother and I know his ex-wife and I know they are extremely sensible about issues like this - it was extremely unlikely they would have minded him taking it and if they did they also would have fully understood and accepted my position and my decision

This refers to giving a 14-year-old paracetamol.

A 14-year-old can buy over-the-counter medications for themselves. It's their decision.

nigelsbigface · 20/06/2017 14:01

Oh lord, it's a small glass of wine not a gallon of buckfast.
If this is all you have to worry about with a 15 year old then you are doing pretty well.
It's fine.

timeismovingon · 20/06/2017 14:16

'At 15 a doctor doesn't even have to tell the parents if they prescribe something as long as they deem that the 15 y/o fully understands the information and decisions involved. '

Gillick competence is related to medicine, I'm not sure why this is trotted out every time! Yep shall we let 14/15 do what they want? who picks up the pieces? not the state that's for sure.

Anyway, I don't have a problem with my 15 having a taste of alcohol however to give a child alcohol without asking the parent first isn't on. Personally I always err on the side of caution with things like this.

ThePurpleOneWithTheNut · 20/06/2017 14:20

I let my 15 yr olds have wine, beer or a snowball or pims etc with lemonade. But I def prefer to be asked in a gathering scenario as described by the op and I like to monitor what they're having and how much.

This for me is one of many mil bones of contention. She just makes up a big jug of Pims and I realise my Dd has been merrily helping herself on a nod and wink from mil to far more than Im happy with. But Mil is of the give her and inch and she'll take a mile or ten variety in many respects Hmm

Clalpolly · 20/06/2017 14:24

One of my siblings gave their dd access to spirits at this age. It is no guarantee of a sensible switched on adult no matter how loving and supportive you are. I will not share my niece's problems now other than to say she has a lot of them.

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 14:25

Because it involves making a choice about their own body without parental knowledge time it is a fair comparison.

I never said let a 15y/o do what they want, I just don't think mummy and daddy need to be informed of every decision their teen makes.

But some people are clearly more risk averse than I am.

Not sure what "pieces" you expect to be picking up from one glass of wine with dinner though. Unless of course the glass gets knocked over!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 20/06/2017 14:29

I wouldn't want ds to be given a glass of wine,he's still at the 4% cider stage,wine would be quite strong if you're not used to it. I definitely wouldn't give it to an under 18 without parents' permission.

NavyandWhite · 20/06/2017 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

absolutelynot · 20/06/2017 14:38

i don't think the wine is the issue, it's the symbolic nature of what you did. I think the steps into drinking are those a parent needs to take, not even a close relative. I'm not there yet with mine, but I think if one of my dd's aunts (my sisters) gave one of mine wine, for the first time without my being there, I would have an issue.

It's about boundaries I think. I understand the wine was consumed with masses of boundaries in place but it isn't for you to decide what boundaries can be relaxed. If the in-law was reacting because of the wine, they need to chill. It isn't as though you got a piercing with them or you followed it up with a shot of tequila, but at the same time this type of decision (the 'growing up' decisions) are not yours to make.

funnily I was talking with an acquaintance the other day about their daughter's 16th party, he apparently sent out a text to all parents of attending kids that they have a bar, they will not be policing the bar, they wouldn't be taking drinks elsewhere but the host parents would not be watching for kids who had drank too much....essentially expect them to come back worse for wear or don't send them. I don't think any parents stopped their kids going but I was shocked to find thebar was not riddled with alchopops, it was full on spirits, beer and wine....for 15/16 year olds. I was less 'judgey' (i said it! i was that guy!) of the honest host parents, i was more 'judgey' of the parents who sent their kids.

it is a minefield of an age. just not your minefield to manage.

timeismovingon · 20/06/2017 14:39

It is about weighing up risk. IMO a 15 year old is still not old enough to see the big picture and weigh up all the consequences. In this case, I agree, it's quite minor - one of glass wine isn't a big deal. However my point was broader and about the state encroaching into peoples lives and giving youngsters all these 'rights' when in many cases they aren't mature enough to handle the consequences. I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about it, so sorry it was a bit of a rant!

coconuttella · 20/06/2017 14:41

Dame

Surely they have more than a wine glass of 4% cider though?!

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 14:45

I don't mean to come off abrasive, I just think that at 15 being treated like a "child" is humiliating, and in many cases unnecessary.

I went through a lot from 15-18 that my mother is unaware of, not because we aren't close but because I felt adult enough to deal with it with out her support. I turned out fine and our relationship is still close, but being treated like a child would have made things so much worse for me. But I do realise this wouldn't be the case for all teens.

It really is a minefield because maturity levels vary so widely at this age!

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/06/2017 14:47

I think alcohol is akin to cigarettes. Parents who smoke seem to like their children joining them for a smoke. Whilst parents who drink like to think their children will join them for a drink. This they call demystifying alcohol. What happens when the demystifying alcohol has the opposite effect and your hold gets a taste for it.

Ds is 15 and would be horrified if someone poured him a glass of wine. DD is older and at college and goes to parties and get togethers. There are people who don't drink and people who do.
DD doesn't and is glad she doesn't as going to a party one night she commented on how everyone went into the local supermarket to buy drinks. Dd spent £2.50 on 2 bottles of cola. Everyone else's bill came to between £40-60.

Allergies aside, I don't think dd can afford to drink and I don't see how all these others can afford to.
They are the first to complain that they are broke.

absolutelynot · 20/06/2017 14:50

time, didn't fully read the thread but agree. Going off my own mis-spent, poorly supervised youth, to my time now as a parent/trying-to-be-grown-up; i see how young people are, when they are starting to be told how mature they are becoming. It's a hormonally charged period that some lifelong precedents are set within, not necessarily the best bed fellows. Not enough money in the world could get me back to that age.

claraschu · 20/06/2017 14:57

All of you parents who are shocked at the idea that anyone would offer your under-18-year-old a drink without consulting you are really deluding yourselves.

claraschu · 20/06/2017 14:59

I am not saying that all kids drink, by the way, just that there is a lot of alcohol around under age teens in the UK.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 20/06/2017 15:00

There's a lot of drugs too, doesn't mean I'd offer a teen a joint.

Mercime · 20/06/2017 15:02

I wouldn't expect any grown up parent to offer my 15 year old a glass of wine without at least making eye contact with me first! That's not delusional. If she goes to a party and drinks cider that anither teen smuggled in - different issue

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