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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

giving a 15yo alcohol?

141 replies

user1494161156 · 20/06/2017 08:47

I hosted a big family gathering recently, and at dinner I gave my 15 year old niece one glass of white wine. An in-law was absolutely shocked by this and told me off after my niece had left. She basically said it amounted to child-abuse. My niece's parents weren't there and admittedly I didn't ask their permission to give her wine, but they are sensible people and I'm sure they wouldn't object.

I'm really astonished that anybody would think that giving a 15 year old a very small amount of alcohol, with food, while at home surrounded by older family members, was dangerous. I think it's much safer for kids to learn to drink sensibly and enjoy alcohol for the taste, rather than getting dangerously smashed on cheap vodka for the sake of it as soon as they turn 18.

AIBU?

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 20/06/2017 10:56

Well I would have been fuming. It is not your decision to make whether this child should or shouldn't drink alcohol at 15. It is her parents decision she is still underage and a minor. You should have checked with her parents and if that was not possible not have given her any.

Ditto. If anyone gave my underage child alcohol, they would be very firmly put in their place.

Oblomov17 · 20/06/2017 10:58

I don't see what the issue is. If it's family, I know my 6 bil's and 6 sil's well enough to not HAVE to ask. I would know how they felt.

My ds has recently asked to taste a cider, a lager, and a wine. And thought that all of them were vile!! Grin

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 11:01

Can we please stop infantilising 15 year olds - they are not babies or children.

Yes they are minors but babying them is not a good thing.

This site is so weird, it's like yes shelter my babies until they are 17 and 364 days old then cast them out into the world without a care... Hmm

Haliez13 · 20/06/2017 11:01

I think I was allowed a glass of wine at dinner when I was 15. I wouldn't have thought it a big deal either, but maybe better to check with parents as some folk are funny about that sort of thing.

Clalpolly · 20/06/2017 11:09

Who is infantilising 15 year olds? Nothing wrong with double checking first. A minor is a minor.
We don't know the 15 year old; we don't know any family history with alcohol. Nothing wrong with adults exercising extra judgment for the 15 year old.

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 11:12

Calling a 15 year old a child is infantilising IMO.

leonardthelemming · 20/06/2017 11:12

Ditto. If anyone gave my underage child alcohol, they would be very firmly put in their place.

I suppose it depends on the definition of "underage".

The situation arose in a private house. The minimum age for drinking alcohol in a private house is five. Many people are under the impression that eighteen is "the" age for drinking alcohol whereas it's actually the minimum age for buying alcohol.

And I completely agree with the PP who deplores a 15-year-old being referred to as a child. Of course they're not a child - except in the legal sense where anyone under 18 is officially a child so they can benefit from child protection legislation. In reality a 15-year-old is an adolescent - that peculiar state of being no longer a child but not yet an adult. Far closer to adulthood though, and perfectly capable of making their own decisions.

I quite like the German system which - if Wikipedia is to be believed - allows 14-year-olds to drink wine, beer or cider in a pub, under supervision. 16-year-olds can buy their own. 18-year-olds can buy spirits. There is no minimum age in a private house. It's a gradual approach and I'm not aware of any problems with it.

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 11:15

You put it much better than me leonard.

purplecollar · 20/06/2017 11:25

I'd be furious if you gave it to my 15 year old dc.

For some, they don't believe that idea, that giving them an early taste makes them sensible drinkers for life. They might have very strong views on the matter. It definitely hasn't proved to be the case in my extended family, where we have several with lifelong drinking problems.

StealthPolarBear · 20/06/2017 11:27

"Today 09:49 Nameynamechangeforthis

It seems an accepted wisdom that having alcohol from a young age takes away the allure of alcohol but it didn't work for me."
The chief medical officer agrees with you.

irregularegular · 20/06/2017 11:31

I think it is OK but I think you should ask parents first. My 14 year old was recently offered cider by the mother at a friend's house. I was a bit taken aback to be honest. Not enough to make a thing out of it, but I don't think you should do that without checking with parents first. She turned it down anyway!

Mercime · 20/06/2017 11:32

dd went to a 15 year olds birthday party last week and the parents supplied a case of fruit cider for them to drink

I was quite shocked but it seems really normal round here for 14 and 15 year olds to drink. dd (14) drank some and really liked it Hmm

SoupDragon · 20/06/2017 11:33

she isn't a baby one glass of wine won't kill her.

In this case it's a family member but you don't necessarily know the medical history of other children. There are some who have been told never to drink alcohol for medical reasons and that is why you just check with parents first.

Basecamp21 · 20/06/2017 11:40

My 14 year old nephew was with me Sunday night and when he went to school Monday morning I felt he would benefit from some paracetamol - not going to explain why - it was a justifiable reason.

I tried to ring my brother to double check but he did not answer his phone - my nephew knew he took paracetamol at home and so there was little chance of a negative reaction so I gave him some and sent some to school with him.

The point is I know my brother and I know his ex-wife and I know they are extremely sensible about issues like this - it was extremely unlikely they would have minded him taking it and if they did they also would have fully understood and accepted my position and my decision.

I know they would not mind me giving him alcohol as they would trust that I was doing it sensibly - I guess you knew that this was the situation and made your decision accordingly

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/06/2017 11:40

The reason you check with the parents is because some people have an "allergy" to alcohol. It is genetic.
I don't drink because I don't metabolise alcohol like other people. I can be incapacitated by a teaspoon of brandy in a gallon of water. DD has been tested and has the same thing

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 11:42

Or check with the 15 year old who should also know if they are not supposed to drink for medical reasons? Presumably this 15 year old is able to speak and answer questions?

And no they wouldn't bother lying about any medical reason for not being able to drink for a small glass of wine at a family party... that would be totally pointless. The vast majority of 15 year olds are not irresponsible idiots, especially when surrounded by adults that know them.

The OP seems to know this 15 y/o well, so I would suggest they trust their own judgement and ignore busybody in law who appears to just be causing trouble.

SoupDragon · 20/06/2017 11:48

Or check with the 15 year old who should also know if they are not supposed to drink for medical reasons? Presumably this 15 year old is able to speak and answer questions?

Yeah, because all 15 year olds are perfectly sensible. They might think one will be fine even though they've been told not to drink it at all, they might feel embarrassed.

Bottom line is you ask the parents.

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2017 11:49

The attitude to teenagers is very wierd on Mumsnet. A 15 year old cannot be trusted to know her own medical history, or decide whether or not she wants a glass of wine at a family party, but a 16 year old s old enough to get married and you WBU to try to stop them doing anything they want...............

coconuttella · 20/06/2017 12:01

I have a wide range of friends with the tendency to be a bit 'conservative' rather than lax when it comes to their kids... yet I'm always amazed at the number of posters on MN who get so uptight about stuff like this, being "furious" if their 15 yo was given a glass of wine with lunch. It's true whenever someone brings something like this up.

Is MN a magnet for the world's neurotic over-reactors, or am I living some kind of parallel life?

HairsprayBabe · 20/06/2017 12:01

At 15 a doctor doesn't even have to tell the parents if they prescribe something as long as they deem that the 15 y/o fully understands the information and decisions involved.

So based on that I would say as long as the OP knows the 15 y/o well enough to make that judgement then it is fine.

Mumzypopz · 20/06/2017 12:05

You should have checked with the parents first. My thirteen years old daughter came back from a party once, happily telling me they had all been given cans of shandy to drink. I was livid.

coconuttella · 20/06/2017 12:06

As for allergies, they could be allergic to the food you provide too. To those who believe a 15 you parents need to be consulted about a possible alcohol allergy, do you also think it necessary to run every item of food you might give them too? And if someone brings chocolates to dinner, do you seriously say "sorry dear, you can't have one... I've not checked with your parents whether you're allergic to this".

She's 15 ffs, not 5! Stop infantilising!

Var1234 · 20/06/2017 12:21

Thinking of DS (15), he wouldn't want to drink alcohol. I know because he doesn't like the taste whenever I have offered him some. He never wants more than a sip and he wouldn't choose to have some unless he was being pressured (by peers or whatever).

However, I know he would feel pressured into just drinking the glass of wine if his aunt or uncle gave it to him, made it appear like it is the adult thing to do and generally seemed very keen that he have it.

Purplepotatoe · 20/06/2017 12:24

Why does a 15 year old even need a drink? It's no wonder we have the drinking culture we do really. YWBVU not to have checked with parents first anyway.

Mercime · 20/06/2017 12:26

Why does a 15 year old even need a drink

I agree!