Is the school BU? Sorry for length but don't want to drip feed.

[WateryTart]

I think so but an outside perspective would be helpful. It's about my niece's child B.

18 months ago B was very unhappy in school. She had a friend D who was becoming increasingly demanding and making her very unhappy. D insisted on sitting beside her and being her partner whenever they had to pair up. If B wanted to play with other DCs D would complain to the teacher and the dinner ladies about being excluded and B was told to "be nice". But D didn't want to play with the others she wanted B to herself.

It came to a head when B asked another friend round for tea after school and D got very upset, screaming and crying in school. D's mum sent a very nasty text to B's mum about B being a bully etc. B's mum had had enough and went into school to try to sort it out. She made it clear that she was very unhappy that B was being forced into a friendship that wasn't working for her. She asked that B be moved and not compelled to sit beside D or always be her partner. Or that B be forced to play with her when she didn't want to.

This was met with resistance but B's mum insisted and B was allowed to move and play with others. She did sometimes play with D but D didn't like group games and B does, so not very often. D's mother still complains to the school but B is no longer forced into anything. Things have calmed down and B was happy in school.

The class is having a wonderful day out soon but D's mum has said that D "must" be paired with B or she's not going. B has already agreed to pair with another child and doesn't want to be D's partner because D will dictate the whole day. The teacher has put a lot of pressure on B and has said she "may have to insist" or D won't be able to go. They are 9 years old.

Niece is going in this morning and is very anxious. I've told her to stick to her guns. I was a teacher and I know these things can be difficult but this is very wrong, in my eyes. Is the school BU?

Well it's becoming apparent why school have gone out of their way to avoid upsetting D's mum.....

This enrages me.

As parents of disabled children we fight tooth and nail for inclusion and support and for people it to set us apart from the adult group because our children are different.

Parents like this set us back. Inclusion is giving the child what they want at the expense of others feelings and being included means accepting the parents as another parent - not them being the dictator of the group.

I also agree I can see why the school are placating parent of D - but it's making it worse.

Woah! I agree. Keep copies of the texts and report D's mother to the school. It might also be appropriate to contact the police in case of further harassment. I'd also advise the school that she's considering legal options. They need to sort this. Now. It's completely unacceptable.

I'm glad that B had a good day despite everything going on.

That's shocking. Two of my kids are autistic. DC1 (13) has been very dependent on another child but AnotherChild's mum and I make sure AC isn't pressurised into anything - for all the reasons people have mentioned viz not fair on AC, not helpful for DC1 to be dependent, DC1 needs to learn (as much as he can) to deal with social complexity of secondary school. So I have huge sympathy for an autistic child struggling socially.

D's mum bullying your child and sending you abusive texts is absolutely not on. I'd certainly report the texts to the school. I hope she hasn't deleted them already.

I'm glad your niece has her daughter's back. That will help her enormously, seeing her mum stick up for her when she is being bullied. School really needs to step up.

I agree re mentioning 'safeguarding' at the meeting tomorrow. The school needs to ensure your daughter is safe and not harangued by D's mum.

Based on your last update you can see why the school have been appeasing this bitchy bully of a mother for years.

Get your niece to save the messages and show them to school. Make it very very clear that B will not be forced into being a key worker for D.

B hasn't destroyed a friendship.
D hasn't destroyed a friendship.
D's mother has destroyed a friendship because she thinks she can bully her way about and people will give in.

Can the mother or another family member not accompany the child on the trip.

Op said today
The class is having a wonderful day out soon

I think your neice did really well. It would have been better if the school could have made arrangements earlier for the two girls to maintain a friendship as originally B didn't mind playing with D just not all of the time. I think that boat as definitely sailed now. They need to come up with a proper plan of support.

From the description of D's mother I suspect she could well be on the spectrum herself. That doesn't excuse her behaviour which was atrocious, it's just maybe an explanation.

Francis the trip hasnt happened yet!

Watery tell your neice to keep the texts and show them to the school and to keep them and note down any other contact jus in case that crazy woman escalates things.

The mother we had to deal with was also a problem. She was very determined to get what (she thought) her child needed and I think she was probably high functioning asd herself, and the father too.

The thing was she was determined to do it all herself and would not have any sort of assessment, as that would lead to 'labelling'. So she had no access to any of the parenting courses or to meeting other parents in the same boat, which I know is less than perfect, but they do give you a bit of insight. Things got bad when she told her dd to hit the people who were bullying her. She used to hit my dd out of the blue

Your nice did great.

I would suggest though that she bullet points these things in writing and adds in an update rerarding d's mum messages. Then emails to the scoop. Just to 'clarify' what was discussed today. A paper trail is always best. She should send to the head and do the same after any other meetings or incidents.

D's mum is a crazy bitch.

Niece needs to forward the harrassment texts to the school and tell them she is considering legal action, reporting to Ofsted etc. The school could and should have nipped all this in the bud ages ago yet chose not too. They now need to suffer the consequences of their inaction.

D's mum sounds awful. OP, I hope B gets some relief the school should not be using her like that!!

Niece's DH is taking the morning off work and they are going in together. Niece has read this and thanks everyone for their support and useful advice.

Good luck Watery's niece! We're all behind you, you are not in the wrong. I hope B has a lovely day today.

Good luck this morning to your niece Ds mum sounds like a nut job

Good Luck Watery's Niece, you need to show the school how far this mum is willing to go to get her own way and you will take it further if you need to.

Update.

Meeting went very well. HT a bit daunted to see niece's DH as well, she thinks.

Apology issued and B's teacher will apologise to her and have a long chat. She hadn't realised how distressing B was finding it to be around D and admitted it was a mistake to say D couldn't go if B wouldn't partner her. Now she is aware she'll keep and eye on things. B will not have to do anything with D if she doesn't want to and dinner ladies will be told the same.

D's mum will be banned from the school if she continues to harass niece and she's going to be told that today. Obviously what happens with D is confidential but the assumption is that she'll be told to leave B alone.

Niece has told B to say, "I don't want to play with you/talk to you" if D starts on and to tell the teacher straight away.

B was happy going to school today, so no lasting harm done, and she knows her parents have her back.

Thanks again for the support from all of us.

Brilliant outcome! Well done to your niece and I hope things are good for B now. Make sure that this information is passed onto B's new teacher aswell for September.

Good update.
Glad that head is taking this seriously but be warned sometimes it doesnt last long! Tell niece to keep checking with DD every day for a while that everything agreed is being followed. I found that within 2 weeks they had been 'forgotten' despite teachers insisting they were following it.

I alway found my 'meetings' were more 'robust' when kids dad was there than if I was on my own.

Hope B has better time at school from now on and a good trip.

That's a good outcome. Well doen to your niece for being assertive even when she found it hard.

I ahve 2 children with Autism. I would hate to feel school were using other children to support mine to the detriment of the other child. I ahve always told my children that it's nice to include people but that they don't HAVE to play with anyone if they don't want to. Equally I have always told them the opposite applies - other people don't have to play with them either.
As a teacher it wa show I handled the 'X won't play with me' cries on the playground. ' It would be nice if X would play but maybe they want to play with Y today. Who else in your class do you play with?'

Hope B continues to be happy at school and that she enjoys her trip!

Op get your neice to take these texts into school!
The pnly bully here is d's mom