Is the school BU? Sorry for length but don't want to drip feed.

[WateryTart]

I think so but an outside perspective would be helpful. It's about my niece's child B.

18 months ago B was very unhappy in school. She had a friend D who was becoming increasingly demanding and making her very unhappy. D insisted on sitting beside her and being her partner whenever they had to pair up. If B wanted to play with other DCs D would complain to the teacher and the dinner ladies about being excluded and B was told to "be nice". But D didn't want to play with the others she wanted B to herself.

It came to a head when B asked another friend round for tea after school and D got very upset, screaming and crying in school. D's mum sent a very nasty text to B's mum about B being a bully etc. B's mum had had enough and went into school to try to sort it out. She made it clear that she was very unhappy that B was being forced into a friendship that wasn't working for her. She asked that B be moved and not compelled to sit beside D or always be her partner. Or that B be forced to play with her when she didn't want to.

This was met with resistance but B's mum insisted and B was allowed to move and play with others. She did sometimes play with D but D didn't like group games and B does, so not very often. D's mother still complains to the school but B is no longer forced into anything. Things have calmed down and B was happy in school.

The class is having a wonderful day out soon but D's mum has said that D "must" be paired with B or she's not going. B has already agreed to pair with another child and doesn't want to be D's partner because D will dictate the whole day. The teacher has put a lot of pressure on B and has said she "may have to insist" or D won't be able to go. They are 9 years old.

Niece is going in this morning and is very anxious. I've told her to stick to her guns. I was a teacher and I know these things can be difficult but this is very wrong, in my eyes. Is the school BU?

[Quadrangle]

Definitely

[UnicornSparkles1]

Brilliant outcome. I hope the school deliver on their promises. Also agree with whoever posted earlier that your niece needs to make sure that B's new September teacher is aware of the situation. Maybe request a meeting with the new teacher and head in advance of the new school year starting?

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Hope that it's all resolved for good now

[MsJudgemental]

My DS had the same problem when he was in Year 1- another boy was monopolising his time and DS was upset that he wasn't 'allowed' to play with anyone else. The other boy was NT but from a troubled family and DS was/is G&T and socially mature so I think they thought it beneficial for the other boy. I raised it with the school and reiterated it when it seemed to have been forgotten. Stick to your guns.

[Offred]

I have a DD who is likely on AS and who has had this episode. IMO everyone is looking for the easiest path in this and the idea that B should just give in to D all the time is not good for anyone. The point of D being in mainstream is that she has an opportunity to develop social skills that she may lack due to ASD and that other children get an opportunity to learn about ASD.

If everyone just lets her off by not supporting her to push herself re social skills she will not benefit from the experience of school in the way that she needs to. If everyone teaches the NT DC that this is the way you deal with ASD children they won't learn the appropriate ways to deal with ASD children either.

If the school can't cope with providing for D's needs and is just taking a firefighting easy path approach then they need to say so, do an ECHP and look at a different provision more appropriate to D's needs.

[Gr33nT3a]

Good grief! Can't believe the bullying and emotional abuse from school (and D's parent) to B!

I have one autistic child and one NT, and would be furious if either one's wellbeing was thrown under the bus to appease the other! School and D's parent's actions have caused upsetting consequences for both kids.

[kastiekastie]

I work in special needs schools, dreadful how they are treating B. All children need to learn that they can't have what they want all the time, whether NT or on spectrum. I would write to the Head/Governors if this continues. If diagnosed with Autism usually there'd be some funding for one to one support and that TA would be going on the trip. It is up to the school/family to help teach friendship skills such as sharing and making choices, not up to one little girl to sacrifice her own happiness for someone else's. And if they think they are helping D like this, I'm pretty sure they are mistaken in the long term!

[Helentad]

I have twin boys one is on the spectrum the other isn't I don't expect one to be the crutch fir the other and I certainly would not expect a classmate to do what the school are expecting your nieces daughter to do it's wholly inappropriate and unfair and will have a negative impact on her education and her wanting to actually go to school at all. I certainly wouldn't allow this behaviour to continue in any way if it were either of my children.

[FairyFlake45]

Does D not have a 1-1 TA? It's their job to help D, not B's?
I would have the kids in class take it in turns to partner up with D whenever 'partners' are needed. I understand exactly what it's like for D as my daughter has Asperger's but allowing her to be obsessive about one person is not going to do her any good.

[SenoritaViva]

Many children with autism/Aspergers don't have one to one TA, only if they have an ehcp in place (used to be known as a statement).

[Riv]

Well done to your niece and her DH for standing up for your DN and getting such a good outcome.
Before they celebrate, make sure that they write up the meeting (maybe like minutes and in bullet points)and send a copy to the school with a "Thank you for the productive meeting this morning. These are the outcomes that we agreed on, have I missed anything?" type message. I'm sure the school will have already have done this in their own way, but it's best that they know you have done that too. It will also enable them to check the information and for everyone to be sure they are on the same page. Your niece may want to send a copy to the school governors as well (maybe via the school's parent governor). It just helps to keep them in the loop and gives a tiny bit of added "clout" without being too heavy.
Incidentally, If D's mum has treated B like this before, it is verging on child abuse. If it continues it is quite serious. If it is happening on school property (e.g within the school grounds) the school are in a very difficult legal position if they don't take clear steps to safeguard your niece.
The texts and the verbal abuse to your niece at the gate are harassment and, if they continue, they need to be reported to the police. The school certainly need to know about them as they could have an impact on the education of both children (B and D).

[Riv]

oops, it posted whilst I was trying to edit and can't seem to change it now.
I have referred to your niece and B as "your niece" as if they were one person. I meant that the school need to safeguard B.

[Shona52]

I have an autisic son and know just how hard it is to have a child that has no friends/ or small number of friends. However I would never force child B into the situation she finds herself and ruin what friendships there is. As hard as it is for D they can't have her relying on B. What happens when they go to high school.

It really is something everyone needs to be at a meeting so the interest of both children at met. Getting it right for every child means just that and when it's not right for both involved then the school is not getting it right for B

[Earthmother1]

D's mother is using blackmail and the school are supporting it. B cannot be expected to be D's carer/keyworker - that's an adult's job. The school should provide D with a TA who will support her needs while enabling her to learn about socialising and having her needs met in a healthy way and who can also mediate with D's mother.

[Greensmurf1]

Wow, what kind of example is the school setting for helping kids build healthy relationships? What does it say to a young girl when authority figures are pressuring her to succumb to the demands of an exclusive friendship relationship with D, implying/Insisting that B is responsible for ensuring D's happiness and security? I don't think that it is overly dramatic to suggest that the school and D's mother are conditioning B to normalise codependency. A child should not be taught the lesson that her own psychological needs are less important than her classmate's. Sure, care and attention need to be paid to ensure that D isn't being excluded but there are behavioural therapy methods to help kids on the autism spectrum to acclimate to uncomfortable situations. Coercing a kid to have that kind of responsibility for a friend or classmate is inappropriate.

[pollymere]

Yes, very. I still have the physical scars from my friend D. My dd had this problem and luckily they ended up at different junior schools, although I would have made sure they didn't! The school need to realize that you can't make a child be friends with another...first rule of playground duty in my opinion!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

VERY good point from Riv - the school may have done just this, they may not, but if your niece and her DH do it, and email it to the school, requesting acknowledgement, then that shows that everyone has it in black and white.

I recently had to see the deputy head at DS1's school and she minuted the meeting, and later sent me the minutes to check and sign. I thought this was a very good idea - and it also meant that I knew she had understood my concerns correctly, not got some skewed idea of what I was talking about.

PLease do tell your niece to do this pronto, so they don't forget any of it - and get it sent in to the Head asap as well.

[dstill1964]

I'd be mortified if I was Ds mother. Is there any reason for D to be clingy. What age group are we on about ? X

[Zebra31]

Just read your update. Great to hear this has hopefully been resolved. No child should have to deal with that level of pressure.

[mumindoghouse]

Maybe if teacher insists B's Mum withdraws consent for B to go on trip and complains to governors. School BVU

[Willow2017]

mum
Why would they do that? Why should B miss out on her school trip because D's mum is a bully?