How often is it normal/fair to have evenings out once you have children?

[Greenred]

We have a baby and I am breastfeeding, I've not had an evening out since he was born. This is likely how it's going to be for some time.

My partner often goes for drinks after work, doesn't usually come home late, let's say between 5:30 and 7 (he finishes work around 3-4ish sometimes earlier) but usually comes home having had enough to drink that he's heavy handed/clumsy/forgetful/annoying to talk to/falls asleep in front of the tv. He has been known to come back later and drunker, but generally it's the above.

As well as this, he doesn't hesitate to attend evening things- watch football matches at the pub with mates, drinks for so and sos birthday etc etc at weekends.

I've spoken to him many times about feeling lonely, not feeling very supported, being fed up of having only having a tipsy or drunk partner to speak to most evenings- but it always ends in arguing.

His point of view is that- he rarely comes home late during the week (my point of view is that it doesn't really matter if he's home by 6, he's still drunk and annoying/unhelpful and that makes me feel just as on my own as I would if he wasn't in the house because we're on completely different levels, also if he came home when he actually finished work he'd get to spend time with his child before they go to bed and allow me to get on with a few things or even have a bloody bath or some of my own me time! By the time baby's asleep and dinner's done I don't have it in me to do these things as I'm exhausted- baby still waking lots during the night so I'm always sleep deprived), and it's only fair that he gets to go to random social events and he usually gets home around 11 or 12pm so it's not that late (but he's still not here and it's still yet another evening of me being on my own looking after our baby who I have looked after pretty much single handed for the last 6 or so months).

WIBU to ask how often your partners/husbands/wives go out and enjoy themselves and what you think is a fair arrangement to come to? Fwiw, I don't believe he should never be able to do anything just because I'm not able to, but I really think there should be some sort of balance (as well as this regular drunkness being knocked on the head).

Wow, I didn't realise that was so long! Sorry...

It's tough. It's really tough. Because you're breastfeeding it's never ending. I really feel for you.

I bottle fed and divided tasks. He did exactly half.

How many nights a week is he drinking?

Mine are 4 and 6 and we both go out once a week. We don't drink. When they were babies we each went out once month or less.

Your DH sounds like an immature alcoholic. Why did he have a baby if he doesn't want to parent him?

Him Drinking most days is not on, that is not a partnership at all!! You must be exhausted!! I would say when the kids are babies maybe once a week or
Once a fortnight he would go out with friends but daily drinking no way!

Your partner sounds like a "functioning" alcoholic. He needs to stop before it's too late.

My husband goes out maybe once every other month, not often but when he does they meet very early (say midday) and are out till late.

All of his friendship group are dad's now so it makes meeting up hard to arrange

Maybe one evening each per week, maximum? Or similar block of time at a weekend, except not to the exclusion of all family time (and if that means only one of you gets a weekend hobby, it doesn't automatically get to be him).

I'd think every 1 or 2 weeks is acceptable when there's a baby. We have a 4 year old and 9 mth old and go out in the evening probably once every 2 weeks.
We don't drink much though and I don't drink at all.

I breastfed DD until she was 15 months old but we did go out to celebrate our wedding anniversary together when she was sleeping through (which was amazing!). My husband had been out with work friends/friends maybe a handful of times? He isn't big on sports, nor is he a big drinker.

What I would say is that breastfeeding can be very lonely but it does get better/easier! I never in a million years thought I'd regain my social life but it all just fell back into place.

Start expressing so he can do feeds in an evening. Insist on going out yourself even if you just take a book and go to the nearest Starbucks for a couple of hours.

I am breastfeeding but feeding the baby is only one element to raising a baby, there are so many other areas of parenting where his presence would be helpful/appreciated. And even where he can't help, just being around for ME, as a friend, my partner, someone to talk to and laugh with while I'm dealing with the shit. hes great at playing with the baby and sometimes takes him off me on weekend mornings so I can try to get an extra hours sleep but that's about all he does re childcare.

Thesparrow I had no idea it was going to be like this. We both had active social lives before DC and had a bit of a party lifestyle at weekends, but I assumed that would all change once children were involved. He is nowhere near as wild as he was before the baby and I think he always looks at that and feels like he's changed so why is he getting such a hard time. He has changed, but not nearly enough.

Dd is three and since she was born neither of us have gone out on an evening much. It probably helps that we don't really drink. In her first year, dp went out with friends twice that I can think of, though one of those was a weekend away for a stag party but he couldn't really get out of it.

I breastfed too so although he couldn't help with feeding, he always did her bath and got to spend some time with her before she went to bed for the night. Plus it's lonely for you being at home with a baby all day (sorry if it isn't, that's how I felt though) so he should be around for you as well as the baby.

oh this is not at all about how often you should be allowed to go out. Or him. It's about him having a drink/twat problem.

Did he do this before you were pg?

Did you go out together after work? HOw many times did he go out each week and get drunk then.

It can be impossible to have important conversations when you're already so exhausted, dealing with a drunk every night. Everything is a blur and he is actually making your life more difficult than if you were alone (I'm not saying LTB! Well..not yet)..
What are the weekends like? Can you speak to him with a clear head tomorrow/Sunday?

I used to do the groceries in the evening, just to get out of the house if I didn't have a better offer, but that is not even the issue if he's not safe to look after the baby.

I'm really sorry, I've been close to someone in this position and it's really so difficult. In their situation he reduced it to a couple of times a week, but came home much later. TBH, even when he was home sober he was not engaged.

Your last post was really spot on Greenred - you know exactly what is happening, what is missing, somehow this needs to register with him. Maybe just say "I am going to start going out two nights a week at 6pm for two hours, so you need to be home and sober".

Unless you're cluster feeding, two hours should be perfectly possible, even if as pp says you just fall alseep over a book at the coffee shop.

It's bloody annoying having to give clear concise obligations when you just want them to pitch in, but it will give you some idea of how easy /or not he will find changing his patterns.

Good luck

Dh and I go out quite a lot, probably one or the other of us out 5 nights of the week, but the difference is it's an equal amount (ish) each. Also, it's for sport, not drinking; I'm not sure if that makes a difference.

Sounds terrible. I used to hang out for dh to get home at that stage and some days still do even though I'm also at work myself now and get lots of social contact and all my dc are at school! Its more physically demanding now as I'm literally stretched trying to drive 3 dc to different social/extra curricular activities in different directions, manage homework and emotional issues / meltdowns from youngest, get dinner ready, sort laundry etc. However I remember the pure relentlessness of the early days and it takes time to establish your own friendships with like minded mums so it can be very lonely.

I'd say the pub after work once a weekfor dh on Friday if you're OK with it. Then you have an hour or two off one evening for an exercise class or similar. You could also take the baby out together if he's finished work at 3,how lovely you could go for a walk or an early dinner or sit in a pub garden for a while and still be home to settle baby at 7.

This sounds like an alcohol problem, and also your partner is having problems adjusting. Would he go for help from a professional?

If you think he will not drink and be responsible enough, you may need to go out and give him the baby to look after so that he can start to experience the reality. However you need to feel that the baby is in safe hands.

In the meantime, can you make everything much easier for you as it's awful doing everything yourself. I did this, left my Ex when our baby was 1 year old - he like this, just a complete drain on me. But could you get ready meals - go to sleep early - join some local groups. Don't cook or do anything for DP, no washing, not anything. Put out a list of what you'd like him to do when he gets in - empty bins etc and give him the number of a professional or his GP to get help.

Good luck.

Both me and my boyfriend had busy social lives too OP and still do really!
How old is your baby? My dd's 8 months and I'm breastfeeding she will take a bottle though and sleeps through now. Even when she was younger I'd make sure to take a hour or two out when I could, usually straight after a feed.

We both have hobbies, I'm out at least one night mid week, sometimes two. My boyfriend it's usually 3 nights, but he puts dd to bed first and then goes. One of his nights is football and he usually goes for a few drinks after, but will miss if I want him home for any reason, the other nights he's not drinking. We alternate weekends so we get two nights out a month each and then we have the other night plus Sunday together, might go out if we have a sitter or stay in if not.
We keep one night through the week free too and that takes precedence over going out, so say something is on that night for either of us, we switch so we still get a free night.
And we do one weekend morning each.

I wouldn't be happy with drinking mid week to the point of being drunk/tipsy more than once to be honest.

What does he do to help, other than play with baby? Could you ask him to go out after baby is in bed, so he can do bath and bedtime? And tell him you want your share of nights, even if you choose to stay in.

I struggle with expressing and baby doesn't take a bottle, I don't have a problem breastfeeding, it means I have to make sacrifices but that's something I'm happy to do for my baby. I just wish my partner would consider sacrificing a bit more himself.

May I just ask, the pp suggesting one evening per week or two weeks, are we talking weekend evening and what sort of time would you be expecting partner to return? And Do you mean I n place of or as well as after work drinks?

My original thinking was maybe one day a week of after work drinks with early return home and one weekend evening out every two weeks, but at this stage I think one weekend evening a month would be more appropriate!

It's like being here without detouring is a punishment for him, I want him to want to be here and take pride in supporting me emotionally as well as practically. He isn't around the baby enough to be desperate for a break, it saddens me that he isn't eager to get home to see his family, many people would kill to be able to spend more time with their children and not have to get home after their bedtime each night etc.. yet he claims to adore us both .

He sounds like an alcoholic. My DH dealt with everything as a team and went out maybe monthly (if that) during the breastfeeding stage.

Ps thank you for all posts, I'm trying to read them all properly!

Yes, I do think he's a 'functioning' alcoholic but desperate not to admit it, presumably because he wouldn't be able to get away with his carrying on in the same way if it was outwardly known. I think he's very in denial about it. I don't expect he'll ever stop drinking and (as much as people might shake their heads) I can live with that, as long as it's managed. He doesn't really drink at home, so if he at least cuts out the bulk of the after work afternoons out it would be a good start.

I breastfed and yes it can tie you down, but there are ways to have 'me time' even if you don't leave the house. Your DH should be home (and sober) so you can have a bath, read a book for an hour, or just sit on the sofa without a baby on your lap. I'd say at least twice to three times a week. The rest of the time he needs to pitch in and help. It's fine to go out with his friends occasionally, but home and family needs to be his priority.

My DH worked shifts and I was on my own weekday evenings after working full time myself during the day. The evenings he was home at 'took over' were wonderful.

You're doing all the work, Op. You must be exhausted.

Your dh should come straight home after work. Once a month to meet colleagues for a drink after work for an hour is plenty. No more of him out and about drinking and whatever, whether weekdays or weekends, while you're home taking care of the baby. I would not put up with that for one second. Your dh has a very good friend, a best mate, sitting at home with his young child. He needs to start treating you MUCH BETTER than his other "mates" starting now. I'd just tell him, no more, just matter of factly. Others may screech, how dare I try to tell dh what to do, he's got to see his mates!!!

I don't care one bit about his mates and his need to drink all the time. His first priority is you, I don't get how any woman would let herself get put 2nd and think that's normal. Of course if it's a special occasion and he wants to be with his friends, that's different. But it's not supposed to be every night, or three times a week, that's ridiculous.

If you have someone you trust with the baby for a few hours at the weekend, your dh should be taking you out once a week or once every two weeks, could be the pub, could be out for dinner, a concert, a walk, etc. If the breastfeeding is too much right now to plan around, then you and dh take the baby with you to a family friendly place on the night out.

Good luck, OP. You deserve so much better than this. Your dh may come around, you say he's already cut back from when he was a bachelor. Right now he thinks he can do all this even though it's not as much as before. Well, no. He will be even happier spending that time with his wife (his best friend) and his beautiful baby.

Oh it's a tough one... I am currently breastfeeding my 5 month old. My DH goes out on a Tuesday to play his hobby (which he has always done) but he doesn't drink so I can call him if needed to come home.
We have compromised he sleeps on the sofa and gets uninterrupted sleep and I sleep in bed and wake up for feeds (which I would have to anyway). Then he takes him downstairs when he wakes in the morning for a few hours before work so I can have a couple of hours (without white noise playing) x