How often is it normal/fair to have evenings out once you have children?

[Greenred]

We have a baby and I am breastfeeding, I've not had an evening out since he was born. This is likely how it's going to be for some time.

My partner often goes for drinks after work, doesn't usually come home late, let's say between 5:30 and 7 (he finishes work around 3-4ish sometimes earlier) but usually comes home having had enough to drink that he's heavy handed/clumsy/forgetful/annoying to talk to/falls asleep in front of the tv. He has been known to come back later and drunker, but generally it's the above.

As well as this, he doesn't hesitate to attend evening things- watch football matches at the pub with mates, drinks for so and sos birthday etc etc at weekends.

I've spoken to him many times about feeling lonely, not feeling very supported, being fed up of having only having a tipsy or drunk partner to speak to most evenings- but it always ends in arguing.

His point of view is that- he rarely comes home late during the week (my point of view is that it doesn't really matter if he's home by 6, he's still drunk and annoying/unhelpful and that makes me feel just as on my own as I would if he wasn't in the house because we're on completely different levels, also if he came home when he actually finished work he'd get to spend time with his child before they go to bed and allow me to get on with a few things or even have a bloody bath or some of my own me time! By the time baby's asleep and dinner's done I don't have it in me to do these things as I'm exhausted- baby still waking lots during the night so I'm always sleep deprived), and it's only fair that he gets to go to random social events and he usually gets home around 11 or 12pm so it's not that late (but he's still not here and it's still yet another evening of me being on my own looking after our baby who I have looked after pretty much single handed for the last 6 or so months).

WIBU to ask how often your partners/husbands/wives go out and enjoy themselves and what you think is a fair arrangement to come to? Fwiw, I don't believe he should never be able to do anything just because I'm not able to, but I really think there should be some sort of balance (as well as this regular drunkness being knocked on the head).

But the end problem, like lela suggests, is that he's disappearing for hours a day to leave OP with the baby.

OP has said that he has an alcohol problem.

Your partner is an alcoholic and you're doing neither of you any favours by dressing it up as anything else. If he isn't drinking in the house, it won't be long before he is, and he most definitely will if you curtail his social drinking. He won't do it openly though, you'll need to check behind furniture, the shed, bins...

You aren't dealing with him alone, you are dealing with him and an alcohol depency and you need to get proper support for yourself until he can wake up and smell the coffee. Sadly he may never do that but he definitely won't while you gloss over the issue. I do understand why you want to do that but it's not helpful for either of you.

I have two family members who fell into exactly the same pattern.

One is dead - his wife couldn't ever acknowledge the issue and he never did either. He was in his early forties before his world started to crumble, he got into trouble for not taxing or insuring the car (alcohol is expensive), took out a second mortgage and forged his wife's signature, lost his job... He died in his early fifties. This guy was life and soul of the party but very, very devious and very defensive. Nobody wanted to believe he had a problem. He even managed to convince people it was the medical profession letting him down and not his addiction that made him tear out drips and run for an off licence in the latter stages of his life.

The second family member followed the same pattern initially, but he is still alive. His wife left him and he went badly downhill for a few years and lost contact with his children as he couldn't be trusted, but the family would never let him deny he had a problem. This guy is also life and soul of the party and also devious, alcohol makes them devious, you really need to understand that. Eventually he went into rehab and it's taken several years but he has his life back and has all but repaired the damage he did to his children. He is grateful every day for the chance he's had. He won't ever work full time again and has ongoing health problems but he doesn't drink any more.

I don't want to frighten you but you are wrong if you think this is just an adjustment issue. The problems will really start to show if you insist he comes straight home - that's when you will need to check thoroughly for the methods he uses to continue drinking in secret. They can be loving and caring and say all the right things but devious at the same time because their too priority is alcohol and how to get it.

This won't get better on its own - get yourself some support so you have the best chance of supporting him. I wish you the best of luck.

It's no wonder you're feeling lonely and unsupported when your partner is out socialising so much and then when he gets home he's had too much alcohol to be able to do anything helpful or even just have a regular conversation. I'd also be interested to know how much money he's spending on going out while you're on maternity leave and no doubt that money could be put to much better use or saved up for future childcare etc.

My DH can sometimes be out 2 evenings during the week, but that's for work related things or for his hobby, it's very rare that he'd be out drinking during the week, partly because none of his friends are doing that but also because he wouldn't want to drink during the week and then get up for work the next day.

I'd say he goes out at the weekend maybe once a month. Although this weekend he did actually go out twice but he did say to me that he's just go out one of the nights and I told him to go to both as he hadn't seen both sets of friends for a while. But one of the evenings he took the car as he didn't want to be drinking two nights in a row.

I'm not breastfeeding so I can leave baby with him a bit more, so I meet friends for a coffee in the evening once baby is in bed maybe once or twice a month, and I also try to get out on the weekend maybe once a month or so, I go get my nails done and meet friends for lunch or something.

I'm still on maternity leave and am lucky to be able to socialise quite a lot during the week with other mummies and their babies, but I find it important to get out on my own too, and for my partner to have the baby and be able to do all the practical things himself (feeding, naps, getting dinner ready while having to look after baby etc).

I'm pretty happy with the way things work for us, although if those 1 or 2 evenings he was out during the week were spent socialising/drinking I don't think I'd be happy. There's a difference between being out for work related things or a hobby you're passionate about, and going out socialising and drinking. Is that the example he wants to set to his child?

I can only suggest being really clear with him about how it makes you feel. If he would prefer to continue with his current lifestyle knowing how unhappy it's making you, then he either unfortunately appears to be very selfish with little regard for your feelings, or has a much bigger problem with alcohol than you think.

Good luck.

OP ypu don't really need to know what is normal for other people. You know there is a problem here and you know that you are not okay with your partner's behaviour. He is minimising the effects of his behaviour and trying to twist it that you are being unreasonable. This is a classic pattern in alcoholic/codependent relationships.

Loopytiles she has subsequently revised that opinion (probably due to the colossal overreaction of people on here and their focus on that to the exclusion of all her other concerns). Not everyone who behaves in a selfish way around their vices have an addiction. Some people are just a bit dickish and need to have to foot put firmly down. I speak as the daughter of alcoholics, so I would be the last person to minimise problem drinking. But I think the OP could explore other avenues before LTB to be honest, to make sure it IS alcoholism rather than immaturity/insecurity/selfishness. I think if he spent his life on the terraces she'd be just as annoyed. Alcohol does play a big role in a lot of people's socialising, rightly or wrongly, as it did in the OP's pre baby. They're not all alcoholics. OP needs to find out if this is a can't or won't situation, you're all jumping to conclusions.

No, op said she thought he could be a "functioning alcoholic" but then backtracked and said perhaps not, but not that he didn't have an alcohol problem. A man drinking heavily 4+ nights a week with a tiny DC clearly has a problem.

Jiggly, you're not making me feel like shit but I do feel you and more so Loopy are pushing the responsibility back on me for 'accepting' and not picking up 'red flags' that would have been there if I'd looked hard enough- even though I've already said that I think I was quite wrong in calling him a functioning alcoholic because he's not actually alcohol dependent. In hindsight, I think it's quite simply that he just likes going to the pub- so what red flags was I supposed to pick up on? Our lifestyles were no different before we had the baby, we went out lots and had a great time. I don't have a problem with alcohol, why would I have assumed he does? His problem with alcohol I think is more the fact that it's become (probably over a long time) his only avenue of socialising.

I am guilty of trying to make things work with the father of my child, yes. Maybe he won't change, but if he does and our relationship goes back to a good place, I will be glad that my baby can grow up in a loving home with both his mum and dad. If not, I know what I have to do. Of course I should have addressed it properly sooner, but quite frankly this is the first opportunity I've really had to knuckle down with it, I had a lot going on during pregnancy and my main priority was keeping myself well and not creating additional upheaval to my life. Since the baby has been here I've been focused on looking after him and trying to get some form of sleep. Things are finally a little less hectic and I feel I can now properly focus on these issues and have it in me to follow through with whatever needs to be done.

You aren't to blame for his problems or behaviour. I asked about red flags because often having a baby is "crunch time" but there were more subtle issues before that can help develop a picture and help you respond to current problems.

One person in a relationship can't "make it work": your H needs to want to address his problematic behaviour. At present he, sadly, seems unwilling and/or unable to do so. I hope that changes. You have given him an ultimatum and need a plan should he continue the way he is now.

People can have alcohol problems without being a "full blown" alcoholic. Eg binge drinking, socialising always with alcohol, drinking over the recommended amounts. Perhaps alcohol isn't the issue, but there seems to be evidence it is, and you could benefit from advice from an organisation such as Al Anon.

Lelapaletute, you have it spot on.

And yes, I think some people are getting a bit excited due to my earlier saying he could be a functioning alcoholic. My own fault, I should have looked at things properly before coming out with that.

He11y, I think I am doing a favour if he indeed is not an alcohollic! It's no good saying 'YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLLIC AND THAT'S THAT!' If he's actually not an alcohollic? I'm not glossing over anything, I just want to tackle the situation for what it is- and I believe it's to do with him being immature, not to do with him being alcohol dependent. As I've already said, I'm fairly certain he's not alcohol dependent, he doesn't show any signs of being and doesn't drink in thouse, he's not really interested. His alcohol consumption is linked to socialising, not dependency.

Agree Loopy that one person in a relationship can't make it work. And that definitely seems to be what has been happening- hence me being at the stage of being ready to leave if something doesn't change pretty much right now. If he doesn't want to try to make things work, why should I waste my own time trying?

Why have I been putting a double L in alcoholic?!