How often is it normal/fair to have evenings out once you have children?

[Greenred]

We have a baby and I am breastfeeding, I've not had an evening out since he was born. This is likely how it's going to be for some time.

My partner often goes for drinks after work, doesn't usually come home late, let's say between 5:30 and 7 (he finishes work around 3-4ish sometimes earlier) but usually comes home having had enough to drink that he's heavy handed/clumsy/forgetful/annoying to talk to/falls asleep in front of the tv. He has been known to come back later and drunker, but generally it's the above.

As well as this, he doesn't hesitate to attend evening things- watch football matches at the pub with mates, drinks for so and sos birthday etc etc at weekends.

I've spoken to him many times about feeling lonely, not feeling very supported, being fed up of having only having a tipsy or drunk partner to speak to most evenings- but it always ends in arguing.

His point of view is that- he rarely comes home late during the week (my point of view is that it doesn't really matter if he's home by 6, he's still drunk and annoying/unhelpful and that makes me feel just as on my own as I would if he wasn't in the house because we're on completely different levels, also if he came home when he actually finished work he'd get to spend time with his child before they go to bed and allow me to get on with a few things or even have a bloody bath or some of my own me time! By the time baby's asleep and dinner's done I don't have it in me to do these things as I'm exhausted- baby still waking lots during the night so I'm always sleep deprived), and it's only fair that he gets to go to random social events and he usually gets home around 11 or 12pm so it's not that late (but he's still not here and it's still yet another evening of me being on my own looking after our baby who I have looked after pretty much single handed for the last 6 or so months).

WIBU to ask how often your partners/husbands/wives go out and enjoy themselves and what you think is a fair arrangement to come to? Fwiw, I don't believe he should never be able to do anything just because I'm not able to, but I really think there should be some sort of balance (as well as this regular drunkness being knocked on the head).

He should come home straight after work at least mon to thurs. Seems to be common here to have drink on fri. Most dms are ready to hand baby over as soon as dh comes in the door so having one with drink on is totally out. Could you join a gym and say you need him straight home so you can go? If he is not prepared to do this he is a rotter. He has a drink problem as drink is coming first. Do something different. Are your dps close by. Tell him if he is not straight home you are gone to dps for the night and do it. Dont be available and dont have his sweet baby availale for a drunk to handle him.Most dfs are still excited enough about the baby to rush home to see whats happening .
I would accept fri only. Does he not be hungry?
Im sorry op but you are stting yourself up for misery. These are the exciting first days he will only get worse.

He either has a drink problem or a being-an-arse problem. Either way he is missing out on some wonderful times with his little one and putting his relationship on a trajectory toward divorce.
Once a week out at the pub, and he should think he's in clover.

How old is he? How long have you been together? Was the baby planned?

I think he has a drink problem AND a being an arse problem. I know you say it doesn't bother you and you were aware of his alcohol problem but a functioning alcoholic was never going to step up to the plate and look after the baby. They can fit work in around the booze but that's about it.

What are you going to do when your baby is older and notices that dad is always pissed?

Harshbuttrue, no, my problem is that my partner goes to the pub almost every day after work for up to 4 hours or so, comes home drunk and useless and then doesn't think twice about going to unfiltered outings of his choice at the weekend while I look after our baby, despite me trying to communicate to him several times that I could do with more support and would appreciate him being more hands on. I agree friends are important, it wouldn't be once a month seeing someone other than me, I wouldn't keep him locked in a cupboard the rest of the time. I think you misread my previous post, I actually said after work drinks once a week and a weekend evening once a month or so is what I feel at this stage would be appropriate, and this would obviously be negotiable depending what things were on that month. We could also see friends during the day at weekends as a family, so in fact that would be a reasonable amount of socialising I think? Or perhaps not to some people.

Indeed my own social life is not great at the moment and I do feel sad about that but I don't feel he should give up his social life because of that. However, in his shoes, if I knew my partner was feeling lonely I certainly wouldn't be going out so frivolously.

It's also quite a lot to do with that fact that when he does get home after all these outings (as mentioned in first post) he's drunk. If he went out after work to play or sport or something and was in his right mind when he came home, I wouldn't feel frustrated in this way.

You can't negotiate 'reasonable' with an alcoholic.

He's not really being a husband/partner or a father, is he? I mean, he lets you get an hour's sleep at the weekend. Amazing. Even my neighbour would do that for me. That's not being a parent.

Tell him you're spending all day next Saturday in bed. He can bring the baby to you for a feed, then he takes baby away again and deals with nappies, pram walks, play, naps, meals (assuming your DC has started weaning as 6mo?) himself.

I've got a 12 week old. My fiancé has been out socialising once (as have I) without me& baby. He does go to the gym/for a run 3-4 times a week. He gives me one night off totally a week where I don't get up during the night, also if I want an hour or two to do my hobby (sewing so in the house) he has no problem with it. Unfortunately I'm not breast feeding as sure it'd be different but you really need words with him. Maternity leave is lovely enough without feeling alone when he's home!!!

He is an alcoholic unless he chooses at some point to address the alcohol issue you are on a hiding to nothing. Some workplaces do have. a massive after works drinks culture, worked somewhere like that once and you did feel as if you were missing out but I was single at the time.

Point is life has to change when you have dc that's why having dc is something that can basically destroy a relationships even though it shouldn't.

I remember still going out for drinks once a week when DS was little and I was back at work but was only one or two and I never got drunk. What he is doing is wholly unreasonable. You do need to do something for yourself but he also needs to realise what he is doing is quite frankly crap. I'm very much a believer in couples still having social lives apart but this is a piss take.

Thanks again for all posts, I would love to respond to many of them but keep losing my thread!

I understand what people are saying about making my own plans but it seems quite sad that the only way I might be able to get him to be home is by forcing him to by telling him I'm going out and he has no choice.

Also, I need him to prove to me that he's going to be capable of looking after the baby in my absence before I leave him to it. Because he's never shown enough interest (despite me encouraging him to try doing bedtime routine with me, bath time etc), I've ended up reluctantly doing it all myself (reluctant that he takes no interest not that I have to look after my child!). It's enabled him to be sloppy with anything he does do because he knows i'm here to pick up the pieces... I don't know if he would know how to be any other way when I'm not there. I feel he's overlook things re hygiene and safety. Of course I should have pushed him to be more involved from the start but in the midst of all the craziness of having a new baby I just got on with things myself because things needed to get done.

So until I feel confident that he'd be able to cope alone with the baby, I don't feel comfortable going out to do my own things. Which is really depressing.

I'm going to be really blunt. You had a baby with an alcoholic. This was always how this was going to pan out. Always.

Dump him. It's really not a good environment to bring a child up in

Ah, night's out, I remember those. This year DW has done better than me - she has been out five times (hen dos, a concert, one all-nighter where she rocked up at 6pm the next day!) and I have been out twice (drinks with a work colleague where I went home at 9.30, and a quiz evening which good out of hand).

Of course I should have pushed him to be more involved from the start but in the midst of all the craziness of having a new baby I just got on with things myself because things needed to get done.

I don't think anyone should need a 'push' to be involved with their own baby.

""Tell him you're spending all day next Saturday in bed. He can bring the baby to you for a feed, then he takes baby away again and deals with nappies, pram walks, play, naps, meals (assuming your DC has started weaning as 6mo?) himself.""

This only works if he can do without alcohol and doesn't get angry when he's rattling for a drink or hung over.

Otherwise, the OP would be putting her baby in danger.

If you think that is far-fetched then do you think all of the babies/toddlers killed and injured when they are left with Dad, knew that their Partners were capable of that?

OP you are right that whilst you can't trust him, you can't leave your child with him.

Jiggy is right to be blunt.

Now you have to decide if you can live this life as a LP and have his shit to deal with, or issue an ultimatum and stick to it.

There is another thread where the OP is just realising that at 46 her DP will not cut back on drinking so they can enjoy themselves unless he changes there won't be any family time/based holidays and you will start to resent him, which kills a relationship, anyway.

That's really unfair! It's not just about you breastfeeding/the baby needing you most, he needs to join in the partnership and be one half of 'parents'. Why should you be left on your own every evening? Plus can't imagine how much money he's throwing away every week. Not good enough at all. Sorry OP

To say I had a baby with an alcoholic and it was always going to pan out this way, as if I knew it was going to be like this, is unfair. We both liked to have after work drinks and have a party at the weekend before the baby. Why not? We didn't have other responsibilities and enjoyed drinking, socialising. Of course drinking is unhealthy but people do it. I don't think the second someone drinks above the recommended units they're an alcoholic, I never thought of myself as an alcoholic, just someone with a boozy social life. And that's what I thought of him too. It was no issue for me to stop drinking and adjust my lifestyle for having a baby and I didn't think it would be for him either. I didn't force having a baby on him, he wanted to have this baby. He actually said himself he would be coming straight home after work once we had a baby, I didn't think he was lying.

I agree very much that you shouldn't need to be pushed to play your role as a parent but unfortunately it was the situation I was faced with and I shpuld have done more to stop him getting away with it. I was so wrapped up in caring for my baby and exhausted I didn't stand my ground, I just tried to get through each sleep deprived day.

Some people are responding to "him going out". But what we have here is him abusing alcohol every day.

Sorry if he is a functioning alcoholic you won't get him to see.

Please go to al-anon. Learn more about what you are dealing with, get support and protect your DD and yourself.

To say I had a baby with an alcoholic and it was always going to pan out this way, as if I knew it was going to be like this, is unfair.

I totally agree. That is unfair (and holier-then-thou-judgemental-bollocks IMHO)

My DP and I also lived a party lifestyle before I got pregnant.
We were both heavy drinkers. We BOTH changed our lifestyles.
It is possible.

They way your DP is acting is totally out of order. He's not being a parent.

I think you need to consider how you might do this alone (as you may have to) and tell him he needs to shape up or lose you and the baby, and mean it. If he doesn't even accept this is a problem, he's not going to fix it unless forced. (And even then the sad reality is, he may still choose the booze).

I think there's quite a fine line between having a "boozy lifestyle" and becoming dependent on drinking every day. Be aware though that he is now on the wrong side of that line.

I know this sounds harsh, but you will have to deal with this sooner or later, you can't bury your head in the sand about his drinking.

I really feel for you- I know this is the last thing you need when you have a baby.

I bet he didn't stop his 'boozy lifestyle' when you got pregnant though did he? And you're blaming yourself for not getting him involved enough when the baby was born rather than being horrified to realise that your partner is such a drunk that you daren't leave the baby alone with him.

This isn't normal. I'm not being holier than thou - I'm trying to get you to wake up and smell the coffee. Because he is not going to change as long as you carry on enabling him. And that's exactly what you're doing

And I've had a boozy lifestyle too. But you know you can tell the people who are doing it for fun and the ones who are dependent. Always.

Oh I'm really not burying my head in the sand, I have been very clear with him about what needs to change and basically for the next two weeks I'm going to be assessing things closely, if things aren't getting better I'm going to have to leave him. He's known how I feel for a long time and has had 6 months plus the entire pregnancy to turn things around (carried on going out every day after work during my pregnancy leaving me to do everything around the house, carry heavy bags of shopping etc all while working full time until term).

Essentially, I just want to get an idea of what other families do regarding 'me time', going out, hobbies and indulging. I don't want to make rules, its more having guidelines of what is and isn't fair, for both of us, because we're at such other ends of the spectrum I find it hard to work that out.

We were once very happy and I would like us to be again, we have a baby together now and of course I want it to work. In fact, I think it's HIM burying his head in the sand, he struggles to face up to how unhappy he's making me, wants to carry on having his cake and eating it pretending no one is getting hurt in the process, I think in his bubble we're still a happy family despite me trying to be very straight with him about what the consequences will be if things don't change.

his problem with alcohol was not clear to me before but it is something I take seriously and I hear what people are saying in that if he's not drinking he might be shit to be with anyway because he will be wanting to etc etc. I know I may be fighting for a lost cause here but I need to give this one more chance, for my own peace of mind. He isn't a sweating, shivering wreck without a drink fwiw- he's not the bottle of whiskey for breakfast kind of drinker, but definitely gets drunk enough that I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him in charge of the baby.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

Sadly his primary relationship is with alcohol. All you can do is care well for yourself and your baby, probably by leaving him. Recommend help for yourself such as al anon.

Worrying that having realised he has an alcohol problem you say you could put up with that if he was home more. When his drinking would still be affecting you and your DC just as much were he to do so.

Did/do you have alcohol issues yourself?

Jiggly, i don't blame myself for my partner being rubbish and I quite clearly AM horrified that he's like this, I don't think any of it's ok, but the fact is- that was the situation I was presented with and I feel I should have been firmer at the start with regards to him doing his bit and getting involved as it may have broken the cycle and made him feel more confident and aware of his responsibilities.

I know a lot of people fall into this 'bugger it, I'll do it myself' attitude when their partners (who aren't with their babies all day to know their cues and preferences) attempt to help and it ends up being a bit of a hindrance, resulting in them losing confidence and backing away from trying to help. There is obviously more to it in our situation but I am willing to step down and admit where I may have gone wrong myself. I think there is an element of this with us. If he'd felt more relevant when the baby arrived he quite possibly wouldn't be behaving this way or at least not to this extent. He doesn't feel enough direct responsibility of the baby which is something I'm trying to turn around but it's tricky when it's been this way the last 6 months. Once he's shown me he can come home from work with a straight head I can begin resetting these habits and we can deal with things as a team, taking it in turns.

Actually, sorry to back track but I'm not sure if I have labelled him correctly as a functioning alcoholic, now that I think about it. I don't think he is alcohol dependent as such, I think his binge drinking is more of a lifestyle choice than a 'need', but none the less not one he'd ever be able to fully give up. And in a way it's almost more insulting! If he's not dependent, it's even more selfish for him to be carrying on this way.

Loopy, his drinking wouldn't be be affecting me or dc if he wasn't going out after work because he doesn't drink at home.

I don't have alcohol issues, I have always enjoyed drinking socially but that's as far as it goes. I didn't drink during pregnancy and chose to EBF and won't drink while I'm doing that, I hope to carry on another 6 months or so. I look forward to having a drink at some point but won't ever drink the way I used to be as a free, childless 20something. Simply because I don't want to and have other priorities now.

(I'm not saying he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, I just don't think he's actually alcohol dependent exactly, although may well be heading that way)