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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often is it normal/fair to have evenings out once you have children?

112 replies

Greenred · 17/06/2017 23:38

We have a baby and I am breastfeeding, I've not had an evening out since he was born. This is likely how it's going to be for some time.

My partner often goes for drinks after work, doesn't usually come home late, let's say between 5:30 and 7 (he finishes work around 3-4ish sometimes earlier) but usually comes home having had enough to drink that he's heavy handed/clumsy/forgetful/annoying to talk to/falls asleep in front of the tv. He has been known to come back later and drunker, but generally it's the above.

As well as this, he doesn't hesitate to attend evening things- watch football matches at the pub with mates, drinks for so and sos birthday etc etc at weekends.

I've spoken to him many times about feeling lonely, not feeling very supported, being fed up of having only having a tipsy or drunk partner to speak to most evenings- but it always ends in arguing.

His point of view is that- he rarely comes home late during the week (my point of view is that it doesn't really matter if he's home by 6, he's still drunk and annoying/unhelpful and that makes me feel just as on my own as I would if he wasn't in the house because we're on completely different levels, also if he came home when he actually finished work he'd get to spend time with his child before they go to bed and allow me to get on with a few things or even have a bloody bath or some of my own me time! By the time baby's asleep and dinner's done I don't have it in me to do these things as I'm exhausted- baby still waking lots during the night so I'm always sleep deprived), and it's only fair that he gets to go to random social events and he usually gets home around 11 or 12pm so it's not that late (but he's still not here and it's still yet another evening of me being on my own looking after our baby who I have looked after pretty much single handed for the last 6 or so months).

WIBU to ask how often your partners/husbands/wives go out and enjoy themselves and what you think is a fair arrangement to come to? Fwiw, I don't believe he should never be able to do anything just because I'm not able to, but I really think there should be some sort of balance (as well as this regular drunkness being knocked on the head).

OP posts:
Caterina99 · 18/06/2017 05:01

DS is nearly 2 march a sahm. DC2 due in oct. My DH goes out one night a week for a hobby. He's out all night though as he goes straight from work and isn't back until midnight. He's gone from before DS was born, but he would cancel or cut it short if I needed him to and he drives so he's not drinking. He rarely goes out apart from that. Last year he had a weekend away with a friend and he does the odd work trip away.

I probably go out on average twice a month. I'm off for a weekend away with a friend though soon and I was away visiting family for 5 days in December while DH stayed at home with DS. We are both happy with our arrangement and we usually take turns to have DS for a few hours each on a weekend so the other one can lie in or go out or whatever.

Several nights a week is too much if DH isn't pulling his weight on a weekend, and you're clearly unhappy with the situation!

kittybiscuits · 18/06/2017 05:19

You can't really barter like that with an alcoholic - oh I don't mind if it's x amount of times but not every night. He will do it as much of the time as possible and will always prioritise drinking over anything else. Trying to get him to cut down is going to generate a lot of conflict. In my opinion, you are trying too hard to be reasonable and compromise. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I would be thinking in terms of putting it on the line that he either seeks help and steps up as a parent or you will be a single parent.

jennymac31 · 18/06/2017 05:56

Am sorry that you are going through this, as you must be absolutely shattered, but you do need to have a strong word with him because this situation cannot continue. My dh rarely goes out with work, as he tends to prefer to spend his evening with the kids. I think that because our close friends also have kids then we take it in turns to get people round on the weekend so people can have a drink if they want to. Do you have any close friends near by?

PolkaDotFlamingo · 18/06/2017 06:24

I breastfed and he never went out in those early months (I didn't ask him not to). He used to come straight home from work and either take baby or cook dinner. We now have a toddler and I'm pregnant and he probabaly goes out once every couple of months.

What your dh is doing is completely unacceptable imo Flowers

mummytime · 18/06/2017 06:31

You should try to contact al-anon

Chewiecat · 18/06/2017 06:52

My DS is 4 months old now and I'm also EBF

My DH always checks with me before he goes out for drinks, not for permission as such but just as a courtesy. I never say no.

He averages 1 night out for beers every couple of weeks. Other days in the week he gets home after work and cooks dinner.

I go to the gym every weekend and DH looks after the DS while I'm there

Op, I think your DH probably should talk to a counsellor. Men can get baby blues/postnatal depression too. He may be having difficulty adjusting to his new role as a father. My DH definitely took time to adjust

kittybiscuits · 18/06/2017 06:55

Definitely agree about Al-anon!

Mix56 · 18/06/2017 07:07

Or, he simply prefers hanging about with his mates.
You 2 are not a priority. Sorry. At what point do you hope he will prefer to be your Partner then one of the lads....
IMHO its not you breastfeeding at the moment that is a problem, it's that he doesn't do being an adult. considering your feelings, work load, fatigue....Nope, I'm alright Jack
This with or without alcohol

LadyLapsang · 18/06/2017 07:10

It's a long time ago, but I only went out a few times in the 22 months I was breastfeeding and once when EBF, but DS would not take a bottle and only took a cup with some difficulty when I returned to work P/T at 8 months. DH worked long hours before he was born (say home 8.30-9.30) but tried to get back for 7-7.45 in the early days and only went out drinking after work from time to time although he did have time out with his hobby at the weekends. How much is he drinking when he goes out on a normal work night?

TeddyIsaHe · 18/06/2017 07:10

I am currently living this, breastfeeding 5 month old dd. My stbxh was going out every weekend, staying out till 4am and sleeping till 1-2pm the next day.

One of the many reasons we are not together anymore.

I hope you manage to sort this, it's awful being stuck inside, seemingly being the only one that cares about the baby you both have. Flowers

Naicehamshop · 18/06/2017 07:39

I think you need to draw a line in the sand now, op. His behaviour is not acceptable. Flowers

thenewaveragebear1983 · 18/06/2017 08:16

I haven't been 'out out' since Christmas, possibly before (I can't actually remember)

Dh has been out probably 3 times in that time, plus a few games of golf as well.

We don't go out much! We sometimes go out together if we don't have the kids. I think dh would like to go out more, but not excessively so. Genuinely, and at the risk of sounding saccharine, we actually prefer to share a bottle of wine and a meal at home than go out and spend money getting drunk.

Mothervulva · 18/06/2017 08:20

He should be coming home to see you and his baby, he's shirking his responsibilities. Just because he can go out, doesn't mean he should. I agree with pp that his drinking is heading towards the worrying end. You need company in the evening and he should support you at this time.

TheSkyAtNight · 18/06/2017 08:21

YANBU. His role is to get home & make dinner/take baby/ help with chores as needed - & to give you some adult conversation. He's being incredibly selfish. The first months are very full on but my lo is 18 months now & we are getting back to hobbies, etc every week.

My DH really struggled with adjusting to fatherhood & I would say grieved the loss of his former life. But it was only on pause for a few months in reality & the more he bonded with dd the more rewarding (& less scary) time with her became.

Please remember no generation of women have ever mothered in such isolation as we do now - his role is key. Good luck

allegretto · 18/06/2017 08:22

It's not really a question of how often he should go out but the drinking. I would be so pissed off if my husband always finished mid-afternoon but always came back drunk. I know you said you were ok with it but I think it is the crux of the problem.

SheSaidHeSaid · 18/06/2017 08:24

Drinking every day is not ok as far as I am concerned.

Must be costing a fortune, let alone everything else.

I hope he gets the help he needs and things improve for you, OP.

Westray · 18/06/2017 08:25

*t's tough. It's really tough. Because you're breastfeeding it's never ending. I really feel for you.

I bottle fed and divided tasks. He did exactly half.*

Jeez this is nothing to do with feeding method- it's to do with alcohol and being treated unfairly.

reallyanotherone · 18/06/2017 08:28

I think the suggestions of expressing/bottle feeding are very misguided.

The o/p is happy breastfeeding, and it doesn't solve the problem of having a useless drunk twat. In fact it makes it worse, because now you have a useless drunk twat trying to feed a baby. Choking hazard. Also feeding a baby is not the bulk of the work. It is one thing out of a hundred, he has another 99, more useful things he could be doing.

First issue is he needs to stop drinking, and be home after work. Helping feed is minor- far more useful is cooking, cleaning, washing, taking responsibility for his child.

One off nights out, say a couple of times a month, fine. But you need him, or you may as well kick him out then there's one less drunk, useless twat thing to worry about.

Mammylamb · 18/06/2017 08:39

We don't go out that much at night (couple of times a month if that). But as long as it's fair and each partner gets the same amount of downtime and both are happy then it's fine. You're oh is taking the piss. He needs to help you more; you must be knackered

Xmasbaby11 · 18/06/2017 08:41

Dc are 3 and 5 now.

0-6 months
me - maybe 1 or 2 nights a month usually gym Dh - 1 or 2 nights a month

6 months plus
Me - out twice a week usually gym
Dh - same

It's always been fairly equal. When I breastfed I went out straight after the last feed (7pm) and returned before the next feed (10 or 11). I breast-fed both mine for 6 months. It was actually mixed feeding but they had breast first at each feed, so I needed to be there. This was my choice but I could have made life easier and stopped bf.

I would point out you need regular breaks and work out between you when us the best time. You will feel better when you get some time to yourself!

Original poster
Greenred · 18/06/2017 08:42

Thank you LittleBeauty, I also feel that's how it should be. I know so many people with amazing partners who would do anything for their families, i'm embarrassed by how he behaves and feel really envious of other families.

OP posts:
RoganJosh · 18/06/2017 08:46

I think how often he goes out in the evening should depend on a couple of things:

How the baby is in the evening - if they are hard work then your partner should be around to help

What time you get to yourself. Maybe you can't and don't want to go out in the evening, but do you get regularly little breaks as much as is possible with a bf baby.

Regular lie ins, do you get to feed the baby and then go back to bed in the morning?

Etc etc

ComputerUserNotTrained · 18/06/2017 08:56

His workmates are probably a bit Hmm that he doesn't want to get home to his partner and baby, or meet up with them in the park or something (especially given he finishes in the afternoon), most days after work.

harshbuttrue1980 · 18/06/2017 08:57

Friends are important, and no one should have to ditch their friends when they have a baby. Once a month seeing someone other than your partner would be totally stifling. It sounds to me like your problem is that you don't have much of a social life yourself, and you're a bit envious of your husband for having one. Do you meet up with other mums during the day for lunches, walks etc? That way you would still have some company yourself. And when you aren't breastfeeding anymore, take the time to go out to see your own friends in some evenings. To me, a healthy marriage is where BOTH people have time apart doing things with other people, not having one person stuck at home 24/7, or having both people living in each other's pockets.

Emboo19 · 18/06/2017 09:06

I agree friends are important harshbuttrue but I think the OP's partner is seriously taking the piss! Why can't he come home when he finishes at 3/4 and take baby to the park or meet some other dads so he can make daddy friends? I hate that one of the suggestions to these issues is for the mum to make 'mummy' friends but the dads carry on as they were pre baby!