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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want sex when dh has is drunk and has been horrible to me?

114 replies

Luluj85 · 17/06/2017 21:12

Hey ladies, looking for some impartial views. Currently sitting here feeling very upset. DH has had a few drinks today. We got into a row on the way home because I refastened DD's car seat before we set off, I didn't think he had done it properly and this pissed him off. He said "he couldn't stand anymore of me being like this anymore" he was miserable with me etc etc and was basically being pretty shitty to me. So this naturally got my back up and I was not in the mood. Later he propersitions me and I say no, less than an hour ago he's telling me how miserable I make him, I was in a rush to drop my knickers. Besides if I'm honest I prefer us both to be sober or both to be drunk when we have sex, perhaps that terrible of me I don't know? Anyway he's since said to me "I don't know why I'm married to you sometimes I really don't", "fuck of you fucking idiot", "we have he worst sex life of anyone I know", "you'll do anything you can to put it off" basically an angry tirade. I went upstairs because I didn't want to listen to him and he followed me up there and started talking about divorce next. He's drunk but he's coherent enough to know what he's saying. He has got such a bee in his bonnet about sex, we've got a four-yea-old and a two and a half year-old and as they are only 21 months apart it really took it out of me physically, my hair was coming out practically in handfuls last year. I'm only really in the last six months starting to feel anywhere near my normal self, I've had thyroid problems, severe vitamin deficiencies, anemia, my hormones are all over the show and I have periods that last 12 days, sex has not been top of my list. Last time he had one of these rants we had a frank conversation about sex and he didn't feel he was getting enough, I acknowledged that and he acknowledged I hadn't been feeling myself etc and we agreed to make more effort and we have been. We haven't had sex for a little about two weeks at the moment because I had one of my mega long periods, dd had chicken pox and I was zonked and now ds has chicken pox and we've had sleepless nights. If ive been too tired or on a period I've offered other stuff. I'd say on average we have sex at least once a week now and often twice. Is once a week so terrible when you have two small kids? Sometimes I am so tired I can barely function. Sorry for the long message but I'm just wondering if I really deserve what has been levelled at me tonight?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 17/06/2017 21:13

He sounds like a cunt.

Squeegle · 17/06/2017 21:14

YANBU. He sounds awful. Does he have any good points?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 17/06/2017 21:15

He's shown you who he is. Flowers

Now you need to find the strength to look out for you and your daughters. You get one life.

TenForward82 · 17/06/2017 21:16

He's a cunt.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 17/06/2017 21:16

Why exactly are you not jumping at the prospect of divorce? Because I would be and I guarantee you can do better.

Wolfiefan · 17/06/2017 21:16

Your on your knees with exhaustion.
He gets pissed and verbally abuses you?
And he can't figure out why you aren't in the mood?! Confused
Is he honestly that stupid?!

Oldraver · 17/06/2017 21:16

He would be getting a kick out the door talking to me like that never mind sex

Janel85 · 17/06/2017 21:18

He has many good points, he's an absolutely great dad and a very good husband to me generally but we have this great divide about our sex life. He's not a good drinker so perhaps i should just ignore him when he's like this, if he's all apologetic and expecting me to just get over this tomorrow I'd like to show him this.

GeekyWombat · 17/06/2017 21:18

Of course you don't deserve this. He's being a dickhead.

Janel85 · 17/06/2017 21:19

Is once a week a terrible sex drought ladies?

Squeegle · 17/06/2017 21:19

Well a great dad would not go on like this, and all that swearing- so unnecessary, and he's not looking after you is he?

AllStar14 · 17/06/2017 21:20

No-one in their right mind would say YABU. Why are you still with him? He sounds awful, he's not a good husband, and you deserve better.

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 17/06/2017 21:20

Name change fail?

Janel85 · 17/06/2017 21:23

Yes that was a fail lol, I realised it's practically my email address and I have many friends that use MN. I don't normally post on such personal matters 😳

Janel85 · 17/06/2017 21:25

Does sex once a week (sometimes more or sometimes not at all that week) uncommon and really tight of me though? I would have thought that's normal married life when you've got two small kids, or is everyone else swinging from the chandeliers everry five minutes?!

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 17/06/2017 21:26

It's not your job to provide sex when you don't want it. If he wants more sex, he needs to think very carefully about the reasons you're not in the mood and problem solve them

You're too tired - he takes over some of the workload
You're ill - he makes sure you get enough rest to recover
You don't feel like it because he's being a dick - he stops being a dick

Etc

If you don't want it you shouldn't have it - simple as that

VladmirsPoutine · 17/06/2017 21:27

Forget whether or not sex once a week is a drought, I'd be getting my house in order with a view to divorce. He has treated you with absolute contempt.

PickAChew · 17/06/2017 21:27

I wouldn't want to have sex with him when he's sober, the next day, either. He's a petulant abusive dickhead.

Topseyt · 17/06/2017 21:28

I'd be tempted to call his bluff here. If he witters on about divorce tell him he can have one.

WallisFrizz · 17/06/2017 21:31

To be fair, I think he should be over the moon with weekly sex with 2 young children including one poorly one and a wife with awful periods. The world does not revolve around his dick.

MotherOfBeagles · 17/06/2017 21:31

Ok i'm going to address two things -
First your dh sounds horrible, i mean it. How can he think this behaviour is acceptable in ANY circumstances? You seriously need to consider either kicking him out or having an extremely serious and frank discussion with him regarding his behaviour and what this is going to mean going forwards.

Second! Once a week is not a draught! Once a week in my group of friends is pretty normal - some are a lot less than that. And if you're offering other activities when on your period in my opinion he is a very lucky man. Not a chance that would happen in my house. But in the end the important thing is what you feel comfortable with and not what other people are doing. This is YOUR sex life, not a committee, not oh so and so has more than us, sod them.

I really hope your dh gets a grip on his behaviour, and quick!

VacantExpression · 17/06/2017 21:31

Once a week with two small children is bloody AMAZING. But regardless of that your problems are nothing to do with sex and everything to do with what an idiot your H is

Mari50 · 17/06/2017 21:31

He sounds like my ex. We had sex more frequently but only because it was coerced. My ex would moan about how shit our sex life was and I should put more effort in.
He would
Come home pissed, wake me up at 3am and expect sex, when I said no I'd get all kinds of abuse then in he morning I'd get pestered all over again. He'd tell me how he hoped to marry someone nice and have a normal life instead of the shit life we had etc
He was utterly oblivious as to why I had little/no interest (because he was an abusive arse)
I wish I'd left him the minute our DD was born. I've never been happier since we split.
You aren't BU, your H is a dick. It doesn't get better.

Janel85 · 17/06/2017 21:32

I don't want to paint him as this awful verbally abusive horror of a man, he does absolutely loads around the house after coming home from working full time, and he is a brilliant dad I cannot fault him on that at all. And he genuinely is a good husband in all other areas and I do love him dearly, the only thing we row about is sex. He doesn't verbally abuse me all the time, but he is very petulant about sex.

FuckingSausageFingers · 17/06/2017 21:32

In my experience, people who are cunts when they're pissed are just cunts. They're just better at hiding it when they're sober. You deserve so much more than this, really you do. Never mind "is once a week a drought?" - ask yourself why you are happy to EVER have sex with a man who treats you with such utter contempt. His behaviour is fucking despicable and in no way normal or excusable because "he's drunk".

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