AIBU to not want sex when dh has is drunk and has been horrible to me?

[Luluj85]

Hey ladies, looking for some impartial views. Currently sitting here feeling very upset. DH has had a few drinks today. We got into a row on the way home because I refastened DD's car seat before we set off, I didn't think he had done it properly and this pissed him off. He said "he couldn't stand anymore of me being like this anymore" he was miserable with me etc etc and was basically being pretty shitty to me. So this naturally got my back up and I was not in the mood. Later he propersitions me and I say no, less than an hour ago he's telling me how miserable I make him, I was in a rush to drop my knickers. Besides if I'm honest I prefer us both to be sober or both to be drunk when we have sex, perhaps that terrible of me I don't know? Anyway he's since said to me "I don't know why I'm married to you sometimes I really don't", "fuck of you fucking idiot", "we have he worst sex life of anyone I know", "you'll do anything you can to put it off" basically an angry tirade. I went upstairs because I didn't want to listen to him and he followed me up there and started talking about divorce next. He's drunk but he's coherent enough to know what he's saying. He has got such a bee in his bonnet about sex, we've got a four-yea-old and a two and a half year-old and as they are only 21 months apart it really took it out of me physically, my hair was coming out practically in handfuls last year. I'm only really in the last six months starting to feel anywhere near my normal self, I've had thyroid problems, severe vitamin deficiencies, anemia, my hormones are all over the show and I have periods that last 12 days, sex has not been top of my list. Last time he had one of these rants we had a frank conversation about sex and he didn't feel he was getting enough, I acknowledged that and he acknowledged I hadn't been feeling myself etc and we agreed to make more effort and we have been. We haven't had sex for a little about two weeks at the moment because I had one of my mega long periods, dd had chicken pox and I was zonked and now ds has chicken pox and we've had sleepless nights. If ive been too tired or on a period I've offered other stuff. I'd say on average we have sex at least once a week now and often twice. Is once a week so terrible when you have two small kids? Sometimes I am so tired I can barely function. Sorry for the long message but I'm just wondering if I really deserve what has been levelled at me tonight?

He's a dick. No one 'owes' someone sex. Maybe if he didn't call you names, if he was up with the sick dc you might feel like shagging him.
Btw I think once a week is fine I'm pretty sure my dh would be overjoyed with once a week.
I'm not telling you to LTB but if it was me he'd be gone.

I wasn't overly clear about the divorce thing, he wasn't threatening me with the divorce he was prempting me threatening him with divorce, I just told him to shut up and I'd talk to him in the morning when he'd sobered up

I'll answer your question re how often we have sex. It really varies-sometimes its 3 times a week, others once ever couple of weeks, then it could be once a month. It all depends on how well DD is sleeping, how long his working day has been and how fat I feel .

He occasionally says "we ought to have sex soon" or something similar but I often say it too.

Hope you're ok op-

If I've been too tired or on a period I've offered other stuff

Why can't he take no as an answer? Why (as another PP has asked a few times) can't he have a wank?

I suggest pointing out that hassling people for sex is a) illegal and b) deeply unsexy and suggesting he helps you work on getting better and feeling less tired before you even consider discussing this further. Once he's sober!

Do you like having sex with him?

Oh and him following you to another room when you'd had enough doesn't surprise me, it's like his sex issue: he doesn't respect your wishes and thinks what he wants is more important than what you want.

Just popping this here. If he does more than a couple of these, it might be worth reading 'why does he do that'.
HOW CAN I TELL IF A MAN I’M SEEING WILL BECOME ABUSIVE?

• He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
• He is disrespectful toward you.
• He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.
• He is controlling.
• He is possessive.
• Nothing is ever his fault.
• He is self-centered.
• He abuses drugs or alcohol.
• He pressures you for sex.
• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
• He intimidates you when he’s angry.
• He has double standards.
• He has negative attitudes toward women.
• He treats you differently around other people.
• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

You are defensive of him. I've seen that a lot on here.
OP posts something along the lines or "is he cheating/gaslighting/abusive/just being a tosser?" . Posters reply honestly and forthrightly with variations long "yes/yes/yes/he is and LTB".
For many posts the OP leaps in to defend her position and tells us we are all wrong and really he is "amazing, a good husband and brilliant Dad".

Quite often, a few pages in, we see the gradual realisations sink in as the OP becomes wounded and distraught as her world falls apart.

FWIW I think the OP is hanging on to this DH. We can all see the worth of the man from what she has posted but she is neither ready nor willing and is making all the familiar excuses.

Call me cynical but I reckon the OP will appear again in a "Woe is me" thread in which we all commiserate and say "told you so".

Sorry OP. I like to see the best in people but in fairness from what you have revealed the man is selfish and only concerned with his own needs. LTB in a couple of years when you have really had enough and cannot even bear him to touch you.

You're right pp, I have defended the man I am married to. He has behaved like an absolute prick tonight and we will be having words tomorrow when he is sober. Posting on here and the responses I have had have confirmed what deep down I already knew, this behaviour is unacceptable. BUT I do not agree that I am somehow weak because I am not packing his bags as I type this, and don't sneer at me because I don't accept your labels of "abuse victim". He is drunk and he has been verbally abusive to me tonight and that is not on, but I'm not a victim of abuse, I don't have sex with him unless I want to, I don't do anything that I don't want to do and to be completely honest I would say that out of the two of us it is me that rules the roost. I do enjoy the sex we have as I have said previously, I just don't feel like having sex every other night. Most of the time this just hurts his pride a little bit but he accepts it and there's nothing else to it, tonight he was drunk and way out of line. Surely you don't just destroy your children's lives and cut a man you love out of your life on the say so of MN? This is an issue that urgently needs addressing and he definitely has some work to do but please don't tell me you know all about my marriage on the basis of one post.

Is everyone who's partner swears at them during a heated row a victim of abuse?

Fair play OP you don't sound weak to me . Hope the talk tomorrow goes well.

Op almost everyone here has told you this is abusive behaviour. Honestly you're not ready to accept that he's abusive but the way you've responded on here is actually pretty common. Go away and think about his behaviour- not just tonight but in general, read up a bit about emotional abuse and keep your eyes peeled for the signs. Don't be scared to post again if you feel you need to. You may receive blunt responses but you'll also receive support

Thank you, I will be sure to update

OP once a week is more than enough. He is falling into that "male dissatisfaction" trap where he genuinely believes that everyone else lives are amazing and his is shit.
We all feel a bit like that sometimes, but I've noticed that men really run with it and it causes big problems in their relationships.
I won't go on about how badly he has behaved as it's been said a lot already. But in answer to your question - we have a toddler and have had sex exactly once since.
So. Maybe your husband can think on that.

Firstly, once a week is plenty of sex, its quality not quantity. Second, that was a horrible tirade of nastiness, quite uncalled for and hurtful. for you. Thirdly, next time he does this if there is a next time, hand him a porno mag, a tube of lube and a box of tissues and tell him to sort himself out. What i prize dickhead.

I know you're asking for ladies' opinions so i'll risk breaking a MN rule and state that I am a man. In a healthy relationship, sex is not a commodity to be served up by one party to the other. It is a mutual expression of love. The key word there is mutual. Nobody, man or woman, should be expected to give their partner a minimum ration of sex. You are going to go through many periods in your life when your desire for sex will peak or wain. A partner worth sharingvyour life with will have the vompassion and empathy to accept that. Your partner lacks that empathy and drink is not an excuse.

Well said HerOtherHalf

No not ever person whose partner swears at them is a victim of abuse. It's only human to get worked up now and again and say some nasty things.

The problem here is not that your DH got annoyed but why he got annoyed. He got annoyed because he expects you to give him the sex that he is owed. He believes that because you don't give him the sex he wants, you're a fucking idiot and he doesn't know why he married you. Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to expect a partner to have sex they don't want because that is rape. And yet, despite the fact that he knows how unwell you've been (and still are, with 12 day periods) and despite the fact that he is already getting very regular sex, he feels, on some level, justified in putting you down and verbally abusing you for not letting him use your body as he wishes. He has stepped way way over a line.

Also, I'm sorry to say that I find it hard to believe that you've never once given in to sex to avoid a row.

OP, how does he romance you and try to put you in the mood for sex? Put the children to bed , cook nice food, tidy round, be sweet and romantic (or whatever you like)?

So an update, dh woke up this morning and said he didn't really remember what he'd said last night but he knew he'd been out of order and was sorry. Told him exactly what he'd said and that I'd posted that on MN and around 90 people had completely savaged him, said what he'd done was emotional abuse etc. He agreed he'd been a complete wanker and said he was more than happy with our sex life but he has a mental hang up thinking that I don't want to have sex with him and this has come out when he's had a drink. He's agreed to drink far less in future and to not drink gin at all. I'm going to give him a chance, I'm sure there are many people who will now crucify me for this but that's up to them. Thanks everyone

Op the drink has revealed who he really is. It's not a good example for your dd, he thinks that little of you and has very little respect for you. Not leave now that's too big to take in, but stRt preparing and think of a future without him in it. The children should not have to witness their dad treating their mum like dirt.

So what's he going to do about his hang ups and abusive behaviour?

Just read your recent post, what if he gets drunk again and the same thing happens! It would still unnerve me as the drink has only made him more relaxed and able to tell you what he feels inside and I just could not over that, I could not!

if we have a row about sex on the odd occasion he has had way too much to drink sometimes he is verbally abusive to me, this only happens on these odd occasions, I'm not saying it's right, it's not right which is why I have read him the riot act this morning, but he's not continually hurling abuse at me in front of our children. If that's how I have made it sound then I apologise for misleading you. To answer the pp's question he is not going to drink anywhere near as much as he did yesterday and he has agreed that he will not so much as mention the word sex when he has had even one drink. He knows he needs to work on his insecurities but surely I should give him a chance to do that rather than just binning him off straight away eh?