AIBU to not want sex when dh has is drunk and has been horrible to me?

[Luluj85]

Hey ladies, looking for some impartial views. Currently sitting here feeling very upset. DH has had a few drinks today. We got into a row on the way home because I refastened DD's car seat before we set off, I didn't think he had done it properly and this pissed him off. He said "he couldn't stand anymore of me being like this anymore" he was miserable with me etc etc and was basically being pretty shitty to me. So this naturally got my back up and I was not in the mood. Later he propersitions me and I say no, less than an hour ago he's telling me how miserable I make him, I was in a rush to drop my knickers. Besides if I'm honest I prefer us both to be sober or both to be drunk when we have sex, perhaps that terrible of me I don't know? Anyway he's since said to me "I don't know why I'm married to you sometimes I really don't", "fuck of you fucking idiot", "we have he worst sex life of anyone I know", "you'll do anything you can to put it off" basically an angry tirade. I went upstairs because I didn't want to listen to him and he followed me up there and started talking about divorce next. He's drunk but he's coherent enough to know what he's saying. He has got such a bee in his bonnet about sex, we've got a four-yea-old and a two and a half year-old and as they are only 21 months apart it really took it out of me physically, my hair was coming out practically in handfuls last year. I'm only really in the last six months starting to feel anywhere near my normal self, I've had thyroid problems, severe vitamin deficiencies, anemia, my hormones are all over the show and I have periods that last 12 days, sex has not been top of my list. Last time he had one of these rants we had a frank conversation about sex and he didn't feel he was getting enough, I acknowledged that and he acknowledged I hadn't been feeling myself etc and we agreed to make more effort and we have been. We haven't had sex for a little about two weeks at the moment because I had one of my mega long periods, dd had chicken pox and I was zonked and now ds has chicken pox and we've had sleepless nights. If ive been too tired or on a period I've offered other stuff. I'd say on average we have sex at least once a week now and often twice. Is once a week so terrible when you have two small kids? Sometimes I am so tired I can barely function. Sorry for the long message but I'm just wondering if I really deserve what has been levelled at me tonight?

I really feel for you OP.
I don't think you can win. Your DH has been horrible tonight and I sincerely hope this is no a fair representation of him at all. Mumsnet loves to reply with LTB and I think you need to jot up the good vs the bad. Yo say you've previously tried to discuss this with him. Does he cherish you in any way? Are you his priority usually?

I don't think I would ever want to have sex again with a man who spoke to me like that.

I know he loves me, I've no doubt about that. I'm sure he'll be very apologetic in the morning. He doesn't regularly drink either so it's not like that's the problem. We just have this one particular row so much that it's driving me insane. I'll admit we weren't having a lot of sex before when my health problems were at a peak but I genuinely thought thing should had improved. He would be in tears tomorrow if I showed him all this

He sounds like a complete dick. A selfish inconsiderate dick.

I'd be considering whether I had a future with him tbh. He doesn't seem to care about your wellbeing at all.

What a nasty little cunt he is

Get rid of him asap. He's abusive and it will get worse

Sorry but men who torment you about sex when you have been through what you have are abusers.
Nobody has the right to force you to have sex when you are tired or ill and if they do that they are not worth shit.
It doesn't matter one iota if he is a good dad he doesn't have the right to coerce you over sex, make you feel bad about it or do what you don't feel like doing.
You are not a blow up doll, you are a human being.

I think divorce is a great idea. You can do better.

He is obviously a good guy most of the time. Drink can change even the nicest of people and whilst that isn't acceptable if he is a nice man sober and it's not a regular problem. I would put the insulting side of what he's said down to the drink.
However you definitely have differing sexual appetites and once a week with 2 young kids is more than enough. But does he feel like your doing you duty because he wants more. Someone once said to me that a man needs sex to feel loved whereas a woman needs to feel loved to want sex. I think that's true and he isn't making you feel very loved.
It's a shitty situation and not easy to resolve but there's 2 young kids here I think a LTB response is a bit harsh it doesn't sound like you want to leave him.
Maybe once he's sober see what he does. If he apologises maybe point out how he'd feel when your DD is grown up if her BF spoke to her like that because he wanted more sex.
Say you'll go back to both trying to make an effort more and tell him what he could do to make you more likely to want sex even if it's more around the house or time on your own for hobbies, money spent on pampering...whatever you want so it's not all one sided, so you have time for yourself. Then your attitude towards sex may be different if he isn't prepared too NO sex till he is and if he really wants to leave because of that tell him to shut the door on his way out

we do have a future, I love him and I really do mean it when I say he treats me very well otherwise, he just makes incenses me with all this crap about sex. Perhaps if tell him he's been absolutely savaged on MN he'll realise he doesn't have the worlds worst sex life!

Even if he is the best husband ever in all other respects being petulant about sex is a potential deal breaker. Coerced sex is rape. If you are not enthusiastically consenting (i.e. Not just giving in because he'll somehow punish you if you don't) then he needs to back off or he is assaulting you.

40andfat gives great advice.

You have made no mention whatsoever about enjoyment of sex. You haven't mentioned anything about what turns you on about him and gets your motor running. You said he propositioned you. No warm up then?

If you don't get turned on by him more than once a week then surely that's the problem. Surely that's not a problem with you not putting out. That's a problem with him being bad at the sex. Or am I wrong, is it great?

Never get into discussions with a drunk person either. Pointless.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt..

I hate these threads. Op always starts with 'look at what a prick my husband is' we all agree and then it's 'oh no no no, he's not that bad, actually he's great, such a great husband, such a good dad' it's fucking bullshit op. He's not a good dad is he? He's a selfish, abusive prick of a dad because he treats the children's mother like a hole in the mattress.....but you don't want to hear that so you tell yourself because he cooks and cleans and maybe throws the hoover round once a week he's one in a fucking more lion and you should be more grateful. Is this all you're worth? Really? Do you think so little of yourself that you'll put up being treated like this? I pity you op, not because your husbands a knob but because you'll never see it, he'll never change and you'll never leave so you just carry on making each other fucking miserable.

Periods 12 days long ..not good at all.you don't have to put up with that.see yr gp.

Make him watch this

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

This isn't a one-off and he continues to get drunk enough to verbally and emotionally abuse you. So he obviously thinks its ok.
I'm hearing you say he's a good dad and a good father. But I'm also hearing you ask if this state of affairs is ok. This is so far from ok I'm wondering if your bar is so low in other aspects of your relationship.
Living with an abusive man is a really effective way of eroding your self-esteem and your boundaries, so I think it would be worth having a good look at the other parts of your relationship. You know the bits that make you feel a bit rubbish or things where you're not sure if you're overreacting but are upsetting. Check this stuff out with someone you trust/mumsnet/read up on abusive tactics/do the freedom programme.

Woah! I have not been raped, believe me if I do not want to have sex I do not have sex, I'm not in any way shape or form in a threatening situation at all. I love my husband and I enjoy the sex we have he just has a bigger appetite for it than I do.

Once a week. My DH would be made up. the only thing I want to do in bed is sleep. He has never complained.

Your DH sounds like a prick.

brilliant dad it's the kiss of death phrase.

He sounds awful op the things he is saying to you are really disgusting, I think he is showing you who he is but you are determined to not see it!!

LTB.

And to be clear, I know we do have an otherwise good marriage, I should know because I am in it. This is why I am questioning if there is something wrong with the state of affairs because we do have a very good relationship otherwise. So am I only allowed to post on here about a relationship problem if I agree with the posters who say my husband is an absolutel dick and I have to leave him? If I don't take your advice my post is "bullshit"

Does he not know how to wank?

I think it's an essential skill if you need more relief and your poor DW is so tired she can't function. What sort of person would demand more of someone that is being run into the ground, just so they can get their rocks off. He clearly has a problem.