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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want sex when dh has is drunk and has been horrible to me?

114 replies

Luluj85 · 17/06/2017 21:12

Hey ladies, looking for some impartial views. Currently sitting here feeling very upset. DH has had a few drinks today. We got into a row on the way home because I refastened DD's car seat before we set off, I didn't think he had done it properly and this pissed him off. He said "he couldn't stand anymore of me being like this anymore" he was miserable with me etc etc and was basically being pretty shitty to me. So this naturally got my back up and I was not in the mood. Later he propersitions me and I say no, less than an hour ago he's telling me how miserable I make him, I was in a rush to drop my knickers. Besides if I'm honest I prefer us both to be sober or both to be drunk when we have sex, perhaps that terrible of me I don't know? Anyway he's since said to me "I don't know why I'm married to you sometimes I really don't", "fuck of you fucking idiot", "we have he worst sex life of anyone I know", "you'll do anything you can to put it off" basically an angry tirade. I went upstairs because I didn't want to listen to him and he followed me up there and started talking about divorce next. He's drunk but he's coherent enough to know what he's saying. He has got such a bee in his bonnet about sex, we've got a four-yea-old and a two and a half year-old and as they are only 21 months apart it really took it out of me physically, my hair was coming out practically in handfuls last year. I'm only really in the last six months starting to feel anywhere near my normal self, I've had thyroid problems, severe vitamin deficiencies, anemia, my hormones are all over the show and I have periods that last 12 days, sex has not been top of my list. Last time he had one of these rants we had a frank conversation about sex and he didn't feel he was getting enough, I acknowledged that and he acknowledged I hadn't been feeling myself etc and we agreed to make more effort and we have been. We haven't had sex for a little about two weeks at the moment because I had one of my mega long periods, dd had chicken pox and I was zonked and now ds has chicken pox and we've had sleepless nights. If ive been too tired or on a period I've offered other stuff. I'd say on average we have sex at least once a week now and often twice. Is once a week so terrible when you have two small kids? Sometimes I am so tired I can barely function. Sorry for the long message but I'm just wondering if I really deserve what has been levelled at me tonight?

OP posts:
robinia · 18/06/2017 08:21

If his biggest issue is worrying that you don't want sex with him then maybe once in a while (and assuming you don't already) you could initiate it?

IrritatedUser1960 · 18/06/2017 08:29

He doesn't verbally abuse me all the time, but he is very petulant about sex.

This says everything you need to know about abuse.

AyeAmarok · 18/06/2017 08:32

Worth giving him a chance OP.

IrritatedUser1960 · 18/06/2017 08:34

I gave mine a chance for 15 years, nothing was ever different and he left me when I got sick.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2017 08:47

It's a never ending g cycle of abuse that will continue. He sounds like he has driven k issues he needs help with and to take responsibility for.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2017 08:47

Drink issues silly auto correct

Tinseleverywhere · 18/06/2017 08:58

You need to stand up for yourself more OP. You are being too nice. Tell him straight when you are both calm and sober that he has to lay off with the drunken abuse whether he wants more sex or not, is not the point. You do not have to put up with being badly treated, if he can't control his temper when drunk he'd better stop drinking. Put your foot down. Tell him you won't be having any sex at all till he sorts himself out.
Don't let yourself be a doormat in this relationship, speak up now.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/06/2017 09:04

Exactly Tinsel.

Fanciedachange17 · 18/06/2017 09:08

I hope at the very least you sit him down and make him read all the comments.

I stand by my first post. We will see you again sometime although I do wish you well OP

Tinseleverywhere · 18/06/2017 09:22

Just saw your update OP. You Dh is saying the right things, but judge him by his behaviour in future not his talk. Don't go back into doormat mode. Remember you deserve to be treated well all the time. He doesn't get to abuse you when he's drunk or stressed or any other reason. Make sure he knows that you mean it 100%.

Lasagnabreath · 18/06/2017 09:23

Some people are so negative on here. Must enjoy reading about a good fallout.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/06/2017 09:36

I agree with Tinsel.

So your dh is telling you this morning he's insecure? Poor lamb.
Let me remind you that he gave you a tirade of abuse; He can't stand me anymore, fuck off you fucking idiot etc
And you said last night I'm just wondering if I really deserve it

He will destroy your self esteem if this continues.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/06/2017 13:13

Sounds good so far. But I suggest zero tolerance of either drunken verbal abuse or day-to-day sex-related petulance. Good luck!

CocoaLeaves · 18/06/2017 17:13

In your OP, you said last time he had one of these rants, you had a frank talk about sex afterwards.
This time he had one of these rants, you had a frank talk about sex afterwards.
Next time he has one of these rants, you will probably have another frank talk about sex afterwards.

  • or whatever is then the cause of the rant.

And so on. And as your children get older, the rants will wake them up and they will lie in bed listening. And each time, you will wonder what you are doing to deserve this.

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