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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's finally happened. I've been dumped.

108 replies

CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 17/06/2017 19:54

Been in a relationship with him for just over 4 years. He belongs to a religion,I am an atheist. He knew the score right from the start,and has always known that I would not convert. Today he phones me and says that if I convert,we can get married,if not,our relationship is over. I'm gutted. I cannot put aside my principles and convert to a religion,ANY religion. He said he still loves me but if we stay together unmarried,he will 'go to eternal hell'. And he can only marry me if I convert. So that's it really. I just feel numb. I should have seen it coming shouldn't I? He had gradually become more 'fervent' (if that's the right word) about his religion over the last 18 months. So I can't say it is a total surprise. But even so,now it's actually happened,I just feel gutted.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/06/2017 19:56

Flowers be kind to yourself op

Materdolores · 17/06/2017 20:01

Oh heck OP, what a horrible situation.
You must be feeling bruised about this. But think about a future with a religious fervent. Grim.
You'll have a better and brighter life with someone who will put his love for you first.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/06/2017 20:01

Sorry OP. You must be so upset and hurt Flowers

BossyBitch · 17/06/2017 20:03

I'm really sorry!

That having been said, well done on standing your ground and not fake converting for love. It's a recipe for disaster as a childhood friend of mine found out the very hard way. She and her super-orthodox Jewish now ex husband are more or less engaged in world war III over how to bring up the kids - and that's after a very messy divorce and a miserable marriage in which he (rightly, to be fair) accused her of not being committed to the faith and she (equally legitimately) felt imprisoned by a rule set that never made much sense to her. And that's without the entire hell thing, which I understand is not a big deal in Judaism.

It hurts and is horrible, but IME religion is not one of these things you can easily disregard in a relationship.

Have a good, long sob, grieve, and then eventually pick yourself back up. And have some Flowers, Cake and definitely several Wine to get you through the worst!

Guavaf1sh · 17/06/2017 20:03

It's actually a lucky escape. There is nothing worse than a religious self righteous partner. The sooner all religion is swept from the earth the better. It's a virus that once a person is infected never lets go

wizzywig · 17/06/2017 20:04

Let it all out op. Ive seen this happen a lot. Id be furious at him. Letting this carry on for 4 yrs despite knowing you wouldnt convert.

Whocansay · 17/06/2017 20:04

You are totally incompatible as a couple - imagine the problems if you had children together?

I'm sorry that you are hurt, but I really can't see how this would ever have worked as you both have such strong feelings. This is probably best for both of you.

Boulshired · 17/06/2017 20:07

I only dated one heavily religious guy, I realised at one point he would have to choose between his family or us. I did not believe it would be me so I took the decision out of his hands and I could sense the relief in him. It was a horrible time, so sorry for you.

Original poster
CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 17/06/2017 20:13

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I'm properly crying now. I know it was for the best and to be honest,I knew deep down it would never work on a permanent basis. I came on here half expecting to get flamed for not wanting to compromise my beliefs for marriage to him. So glad everyone seems to understand.

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 17/06/2017 20:21
Flowers

Why should it be you who converts, why not him? You can't make up believing something if it's not what you really feel.

The right person is put there and you're free to be with them now. Be kind to yourself.

Gemini69 · 17/06/2017 20:22

why did you stay for 4 years with a man you knew would never accept you as you are Sweetheart ...

you need to take good care of yourself over these next few weeks... read a good book ..make sure you eat properly even when you do not feel like it and be kind to yourself x

BossyBitch · 17/06/2017 20:23

Why would anyone flame you for that? Realistically, it would be a very hypocritical thing to do and would also not be a good basis for an honest relationship if it included lying to him about it, too. And he arguably wouldn't be content with you 'faking it' with his knowledge.

Crying is good, though, it helps.

Flyinggeese · 17/06/2017 20:26

He did this by phone? He's appalling OP. I'm really sorry. As a PP said, be kind to yourself.

EmmaC78 · 17/06/2017 20:30

Sorry that he did this. You did the right thing though xx

hellobonjour · 17/06/2017 20:32

May I ask what religion he belongs to?

He sounds very committed and I'm not sure I'd be interested in someone who was so entrenched in a doctrine.

Well done for standing your ground

notknownatthisaddress · 17/06/2017 20:33

I am so sorry for you OP but I think you dodged a bullet.

To be frank I am amazed it lasted 4 years if he thinks you are such a failure as a potential wife because you are an atheist! Hmm

Weirdly, in the Church, (the Christian one anyway,) it seems to be OK for a woman to be Christian and the man not, but not the other way around. When a woman is a believer, it's believed that she carries enough faith for the man too, but when HE is the believer and SHE isn't; he is seen to have failed in his control of his woman. Men with non believing wives are frowned upon.

I know one woman who is a very self righteous bint - she said to my friend who is a Christian with an atheist husband (worked fine for 30 years together!) that she would only have an atheist husband if her religion meant nothing to her. Nasty bitch.

That's like saying to a couple who have been together 20 years (and are not married,) 'I would only not get married, if my partner meant nothing to me.' Horrible judgy remarks. Hmm

Some of the loveliest people I know are Christians, and some of the nastiest people I know are Christians.

It's hard now OP, but it would never have worked. It's just awful that he has strung you along in the hope you would 'convert.' Nasty.

PacificDogwod · 17/06/2017 20:34

Oh, that's crap, so sorry! Chocolate

It won't feel like that just now, but it is easier to have split now than after marriage/more time/children etc.

youaredeluded · 17/06/2017 20:35

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Original poster
CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 17/06/2017 20:36

wizzywig - you've hit the nail on the head. I AM angry. He KNEW right from the start that I didn't believe in any god and that I disliked organised religion. But I never let it affect my love for him,and thought he felt the same about me. Obviously I was wrong. But I feel angry that he let it go on for 4 years,knowing that I would never convert to his,or any religion. I would be lying to myself and him if I did,and he would see through it sooner or later. I just feel like the last 4 years have been a waste of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 17/06/2017 20:38

youaredeluded Thank you,your comment actually made me smile.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 17/06/2017 20:38

I wasted 5 year with a complete wanker (it was drugs rather then religion but they have there similarities imo) looking back it was a blessing in disguise.

I'm sorry though it's hard Flowers

Mummmy2017 · 17/06/2017 20:39

That Barstool, he has lost someone he will compare every other woman to and she won't be you,,,,,

I know your crying but if he gets like this now can you imagine the hell it would become as time went on, as he has proved he won't change for the good.

Cinema and ice cream.

Original poster
CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 17/06/2017 20:40

hellobonjour He's a Muslim.

OP posts:
notknownatthisaddress · 17/06/2017 20:41

On the contrary OP.

The comments by @youaredeluded were totally out of order. And judgemental and rude.

If you thought your partner was' nuts' why the hell did you stay with him for 4 years? Hmm

PacificDogwod · 17/06/2017 20:43

Fervent religiosity does tend to not be compatible with rational thinking IME.

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