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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's finally happened. I've been dumped.

108 replies

CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 17/06/2017 19:54

Been in a relationship with him for just over 4 years. He belongs to a religion,I am an atheist. He knew the score right from the start,and has always known that I would not convert. Today he phones me and says that if I convert,we can get married,if not,our relationship is over. I'm gutted. I cannot put aside my principles and convert to a religion,ANY religion. He said he still loves me but if we stay together unmarried,he will 'go to eternal hell'. And he can only marry me if I convert. So that's it really. I just feel numb. I should have seen it coming shouldn't I? He had gradually become more 'fervent' (if that's the right word) about his religion over the last 18 months. So I can't say it is a total surprise. But even so,now it's actually happened,I just feel gutted.

OP posts:

wizzywig · 17/06/2017 21:44

Be strong cheese (thats one of those sentences you think youll never say!!). Grab all the support you can, block him on facebook etc etc. Invest in yourself and keep busy

AguacateMaduro · 17/06/2017 21:44

Yes, OP, he's writing a script that you're not quiiiite good enough for him.

Turn it round and let him know that he doesn't have the integrity you're looking for in a man.

EmeraldIsle100 · 17/06/2017 21:45

OP very predictable behaviour. Stay strong.

BossyBitch · 17/06/2017 21:48

Don't cave, Cheese! He's already made it very clear that he's quite happy to hurt your feelings over his irrational beliefs. No need to go back for more of the same. Even if he says he's willing to accept your lack of belief, it will inevitably come up again!

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/06/2017 21:52

Turn it round and let him know that he doesn't have the integrity you're looking for in a man.

This.

Why do you have to do all the twisting and changing and conforming and converting?

Let him do it, if he's genuinely so keen to be with you!

PacificDogwod · 17/06/2017 21:57

The thing is, you really cannot win here: say, he renounces his religion, you become a couple again and everything is hunky-dory for the foreseeable. There is a real risk that at some point he will hold this against you; maybe when children arrive (and suddenly it becomes important for him that a boy be circumcised for instance) or when he gets older (there's no such thing as an atheist on their death bed - apparently; I shall wait and see ).

People of different religions can live together very well, but areligious and very pious people? Not so much. Too much scope for resentment.

StatelessPrincess · 17/06/2017 22:13

A ''religious'' muslim who has a relationship for 4 years, what a hypocrite, You are better off without him OP.

CocoaLeaves · 17/06/2017 22:18

It does not matter the reason, you cannot get married on an ultimatum, it is controlling.

ElleDubloo · 17/06/2017 22:18

So much sympathy for you, OP. Four years is a long time and you must be utterly heartbroken.

Writing as a Christian (I know your ex is Muslim, but perhaps there may be parallels) perhaps I could put forward the other perspective. I'm now happily married to a Christian man, and I had always wanted to marry a Christian. My faith is incredibly important to me (it doesn't mean I'm pious or self-righteous) and I imagine being with a staunch atheist or member of a different religion could cause real difficulties down the line. If he treated my faith with disdain or refused to let me take the kids to church, that would cause me a lot of pain. But when I was single there were times when I felt such an affinity with non-Christian men that I was strongly tempted to break my rule. Perhaps your partner truly loves you such that it's creating a conflict in his heart that he doesn't know how to deal with. Maybe he started off thinking his religion was something that could be compromised, but as time went on he realised that it couldn't be.

It's best to find this out now, rather than later. I'm really sorry for your sadness.

Woobeedoo · 17/06/2017 22:40

Don't really know how to start this but..... A good few years ago now my Mum (no religion) was in a relationship with a Muslim man. Over the years he gradually got more involved in his faith and one day rang her saying that they weren't on the same path anymore, the relationship was over and please don't call him. Understandably my Mum was devastated, she needed answers as there was no sign anything was wrong.

A fortnight later he rang her and asked her again not to call him (which my Mum thought bizarre as she hadn't). She then asked "Where are you calling me from, there's very loud music I can hear". His reply "It's my wedding today, this is the party". Yup. He'd got more involved in his religion as his parents had arranged a marriage for him and he hadn't thought to mention any of this to her.

I'm not saying this is the reason your partner ended things with you but maybe his parents were pushing him towards marriage with someone else and he's not giving you the full story to save your feelings?

pinkdelight · 17/06/2017 23:19

A male friend of mine converted to Islam to marry his Muslim girlfriend and it was very low key and nominal. They said that Islam is like a house and it's up to you how many rooms you fill with it. He's filled the bare minimum as it was clearly just done so he could marry the partner he loved, after many years of waiting and proving their love to the family. So it can be done in the right circumstances even if you don't believe. But only you would know whether your ex is free-thinking enough to go that route or whether he is much stricter deep down and is more likely to marry a Muslim girl like the guy with the arranged marriage in the PP's example. Is the religion just a box to be ticked and you can both carry on being who you've always been together? Or is there a whole part of him that you don't and possibly can't ever really understand?

scottishdiem · 17/06/2017 23:39

pinkdelight It may also be the case that even to acknowledge that religion is even a box to be ticked is a step too far for OP. It would have been for me.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 18/06/2017 00:03

Im a convert to Islam (before I met my husband) but I have seen many many women of either athiest or christian backgrounds "convert for love" and it just never works out. Not only that but certain cultures will struggle to accept you anyway, even if you became the most pious muslim to walk the earth, its very much to do with caste and family values and probably sod all to do with religion. Not a nice situation to be in, sorry your going through this.

grandmainmypocket · 18/06/2017 01:51

I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope it gets easier with time. 4 years is not a short time.
As to people insulting his faith or him I think it's a bit unfair. People change and grow, even aside from religion. They wake up and realise something is a deal breaker.

grandmainmypocket · 18/06/2017 01:54

Elledubloo I love your post.

ToeInTheWaterSlowly · 18/06/2017 02:43

They said that Islam is like a house and it's up to you how many rooms you fill with it.

Seriously? So do extremists have a conservatory, an extension and a random set of out buildings?!?!

Not sure this is a good analogy.

OP - I agree with the turn it around policy. I would say to him "what would you say if I said to you "unless you become an atheist and "convert" to atheism it's over?".

It's probably for the best for you and although 4 years is a long time - it's not a life time.

Toadinthehole · 18/06/2017 02:45

My mother is a deeply religious Christian, and one of the most sophisticated thinkers I know. My father is an atheist. They have been happily married for many decades, and their differences on religion have never, as far as I know, been the slightest problem. This is because they have always respected each other's beliefs. Contrast their attitude to the unpleasant and uninformed remarks on this thread, which not only indiscrimately denigrate all religion (or "virus" if you prefer) of any sort but implicitly the OP too, by her choosing to have been in a relationship with a religious person.

OP, it's true that you're better off out of the relationship, but you do have my deepest sympathies and I really do hope you don't feel stupid for pursuing it even though you knew his religious beliefs posed a risk. Things might have worked out, so you shouldn't feel that you wasted your time.

MickeyRooney · 18/06/2017 02:47

You've had a very lucky escape.

pinkdelight · 18/06/2017 07:04

"They said that Islam is like a house and it's up to you how many rooms you fill with it.

Seriously? So do extremists have a conservatory, an extension and a random set of out buildings?!?!

Not sure this is a good analogy."

Extremism is a whole different thing, whatever the religion. I know people can be quick to associate Islam with extremism but millions practice it everyday without going that far and that's who the analogy refers to. No need to get extreme with the ?!?!s.

BalaRua · 18/06/2017 07:11

You've done the right thing - I converted to a religion for my now DH and I regret it

Angeldt · 18/06/2017 07:23

I worked in a prison for near 9 years and come across a lot of men from many different cultures and religions. Whilst I'm not saying all men have this attitude a fair few of them did. Being brought up with a toe in both cultures is quite hard for them to deal with. They have the strict home side with the expectation of regular attendance of their place of worship and the want of the family to make a good marriage within that religion, but they still want the western lifestyle. Most will eventually marry into their culture with little regard to the girlfriend they had/have.

HateSummer · 18/06/2017 07:31

I can tell this is going to turn into another Muslim bashing thread, is that what you wanted op?

Islam clearly states that converting for the sake of love, marriage and your partner is not allowed. Your conversion must be based on your willingness to submit to Allah and must come from your heart spiritually. This most certainly applies for any religion.

So how your partner can expect you to change your religion is beyond me. Anyone Who changes their fundamental beliefs just for marriage is living in la la land thinking everything will hunky dory at the end. You are lucky you've escaped so now block him and move on.

Kadena127 · 18/06/2017 07:40

@HateSummer op didn't even mention the religion in her first post. Lay off eh?

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/06/2017 07:47

You will look back and thank God (irony) that you were spared, he is clearly a few marbles short. Time and distance will give you a new perspective and help you realise how lucky you were to get out.

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 18/06/2017 08:02

HateSummer this isn't an Islam bashing thread. It's a support thread for a woman who's been badly tested by a religious hypocrite.

They are the worst kind, imo.

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