It's finally happened. I've been dumped.

[CheeseAndOnionIcecream]

Been in a relationship with him for just over 4 years. He belongs to a religion,I am an atheist. He knew the score right from the start,and has always known that I would not convert. Today he phones me and says that if I convert,we can get married,if not,our relationship is over. I'm gutted. I cannot put aside my principles and convert to a religion,ANY religion. He said he still loves me but if we stay together unmarried,he will 'go to eternal hell'. And he can only marry me if I convert. So that's it really. I just feel numb. I should have seen it coming shouldn't I? He had gradually become more 'fervent' (if that's the right word) about his religion over the last 18 months. So I can't say it is a total surprise. But even so,now it's actually happened,I just feel gutted.

OP I really feel for you and I do think you are better off out of this relationship. He doesn't know what he wants and is just going to hurt you. I firmly believe that anyone who suggests someone convert to their religion for marriage is bad news.
optional There's a big difference between being unhappy and wanting to murder someone. And when you said this- On the extremely, extremely rare occasion that a Muslim girl/woman is in a relationship with a non-Muslim boy/man - both of them will be in fear for the lives at the hands of the Muslim woman's family. This is no exaggeration That was actually an exaggeration. Most Muslims do not want to murder their relatives, even if they do something they massively disapprove of. We are humans. Bowing out now, don't want to derail.

And I would also add,that there was always a seed of suspicion at the back of my mind that even if I DID convert,would he accept me as a 'proper' muslim? I have heard of muslims being a bit 'sniffy' about converts,i.e. not thinking they are the 'real deal'. And although I had never got the impression that he thought that way,how would his family feel about it? Would they try to influence his opinion on the matter?

OP Thanks for the additional info. I think you are right to link the contact with his family with his becoming more "fervent". I don't know much about traditions of arranged marriage in the Somalian community. But in other Muslim cultures 46 would still be considered young for him to be set up with a much younger bride from back home / the extended family.

He gets to have his cake and eat it with you!! In his mind, your unwillingness to convert allows him to paint you as the culprit for ending the relationship.

How about testing him just for fun? Say "You know what? You've helped me see the benefits of Paradise over the eternal fires of hell. Let's do it! I am ready to accept Islam into my life!"

I bet he'd run mile!!

Today 14:55 StatelessPrincess
optional when you said this- On the extremely, extremely rare occasion that a Muslim girl/woman is in a relationship with a non-Muslim boy/man - both of them will be in fear for the lives at the hands of the Muslim woman's family. This is no exaggeration
That was actually an exaggeration

Stateless, when he was 17, my brother got friendly with a Muslim girl at their sixth form college. They were seen walking and talking together in the local park. Nothing physical - just walking and talking - not even holding hands. The girl was taken out of school immediately and severely beaten by her brothers and mother. Three taxis full of men armed with hockey sticks and baseball bats turned up at my parents demanding that they hand over my brother. They threatened to break windows but left before the police arrived. My 17 year old brother was warned that they would behead him if they ever got him alone.

Personal family history (not exaggeration).

OP - meet and talk to him if you feel you can stay strong and not go back to him just to go through this a third time. To other posters - OP's chap has been in this country a long time. It is perfectly possible he felt the relationship was fine in the beginning and wasn't deceiving her, but as his religious feelings became stronger ?2 years ago? he has been battling between its edicts and his affection for her.

I agree he sounds very conflicted, but what a dreadfully sad position you are in Cheeseandonion but as I said already, no matter what the condition, you cannot marry on an ultimatum. Marriage is about the acceptance of you as you are.

optionalrationale - OMG that sounds horrific. I think that a lot of the problems with Islam,indeed with any religion,stems from a 'them and us' attitude,in that they can't accept 'outsiders', who are not of their religion into their family/community. I know they are not all like this by any means,but it is so sad when it happens. At the end of the day,we are all human,and we can't help who we fall in love with. During the course of our relationship,I met quite a few of his friends and several of his cousins. On the whole,they were very nice and very accepting of me. There was one exception,a cousin,who made it quite clear that he didn't like me or approve of me. His dislike of me was such that one evening when my ex was at his house,he got hold of his phone when he went out of the room for a few minutes and blocked my number! It caused a row between me and my ex,and him and his cousin,who apparently said he was doing for his own good!

HateSummer -sorry if you thought I was trying to start a Muslim bashing thread. That was not my intention,I just wanted a few kind words of support that I'd done the right thing. Thank you Kadena for defending me. And ElleDubloo - wise words. I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying that he probably started off by thinking that his religion was something that could be compromised,but as time went on,he realised that it couldn't be. When we first met,he seemed much more,how do I put it,liberal? I think that's the word I'm looking for. I didn't even know that he WAS a Muslim until I'd been seeing him for 2 months! The religion issue had not raised it's head,until I just casually said to him one day as we were watching TV at his place,and something about Catholics came on. I said to him 'Do you have a religion?' He looked a bit surprised and said 'I'm a Muslim darling' in a voice that implied I should somehow of known! I hadn't had a clue up until that point. That's how fervent he was then!