It's finally happened. I've been dumped.

[CheeseAndOnionIcecream]

Been in a relationship with him for just over 4 years. He belongs to a religion,I am an atheist. He knew the score right from the start,and has always known that I would not convert. Today he phones me and says that if I convert,we can get married,if not,our relationship is over. I'm gutted. I cannot put aside my principles and convert to a religion,ANY religion. He said he still loves me but if we stay together unmarried,he will 'go to eternal hell'. And he can only marry me if I convert. So that's it really. I just feel numb. I should have seen it coming shouldn't I? He had gradually become more 'fervent' (if that's the right word) about his religion over the last 18 months. So I can't say it is a total surprise. But even so,now it's actually happened,I just feel gutted.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through but if he's so rigid now just think how he could be with any children you may have had.

He has taken advantage of you OP. He must have known for a long long time that he couldn't/wouldn't compromise his beliefs to marry you (and marriage appears important to him because of his beliefs) and despite your being able to accept his personal beliefs, he allowed the relationship to continue. I just hope his religion makes him feel guilty for the wrong he has done you. And religions seem very competent at engendering guilt.
I hope you will get over this hurt and move on to find the happiness you deserve.

You've had a lucky escape, but tbh I don't know how it could ever have progressed further - one of you would have had to change your beliefs either way.

Fervent religion (doesn't matter which one it is) can be obsessive and all encompassing.

I'm so sorry OP. Give yourself time to get over this, be kind to yourself and accept that it was never going to be. My sister chose religion over her family 2 years ago.....we don't have any contact because she's insufferable, pious and hides her nasty little games that she plays with our parents under the guise of "doing good". I think all religion is a form of brain washing to be honest .

He had no right to lead you on knowing he would eventually ask you to convert, knowing you never would, and thereby let you waste 4 years - very mean. Usually if someone is very religious, they wouldn't consider going out with (let alone marrying) someone of another faith and to drag it out for 4 years is a rotten trick to pull

I a

Can I just say - you have had a very lucky escape. Very. Lucky. Escape.

You're REALLY better off without him, Cheese. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

He knew your views but was OK about having a relationship with you? what a total hypocrite. And he was OK about sleeping with you, but if he marries you, he'll burn in hell? What a nasty man,. and a nasty twisted religion (whatever it is).

And find your anger - he has judged you as less than him because of some old mythology. If it makes you feel cheap & unworthy, be angry about that, rather than believe him.

In my situation, I actually respected my OH's beliefs, although I didn't share them. He did not, in the end, respect mine.

It made me think that there's a fair degree of hypocrisy & narrow-mindedness in the way some people practice their religious beliefs.

Whoops!

I an religious bur I feel deeply suspicious of religious "deal breakers."

If it was so bloody important he woukd have thought about it before going on the first date with you.

I call bullshit (on his part). He is looking for a concession from you in another area. Sorry.

I am sorry this happened to you. I know you won't believe me but you will go on and meet someone new and fall in love again. You learned a lot in that relationship and it wasn't a waste of time.

Take care of yourself, eat cake and get out and about. Allow yourself to get excited about falling in love again when you are ready.

What a pile of shit. I would be a bit worried how overly religious he was tbh.

Why is it that fanatically devout people can manage to behave like utter shits whilst thinking they are displaying piety and conscience? No half decent person issues an aggressive ultimatum out of the blue like that. This has nothing to do with religion. Your ex is maniacal and emotionally immature. You are well shot.

What fucked up version of which religion are we talking about. I am a humanist and DP is a commited and active Christian. Ecumenical relationships are not hard. Mind you, religion is mostly about controlling women so perhaps you've had a lucky escape.

I lived for five years with a druggie. I hated him for it. He and I knew neither of us would convert to the argument 'How do you know if you haven't tried it?'

I never tried it. He's a passenger now.

He obviously wasn't fervent enough to avoid using someone for sex before marriage, but suddenly he's fervent when it comes to marrying to 'right' sort of girl and settling down.

You have well and truly dodged a bullet, and should be angry, not upset. It will help you move on much more quickly.

hellobonjour - I certainly didn't think he was nuts. As I've already said I don't like any organised religion,this doesn't mean I have a low opinion of anyone who follows a religion. youaredeluded's remark just made me smile during what is a dark time for me. Sorry.

TheDowagerCuntess - yes that thought has occurred to me now. And believe me,at the moment I AM angry,more so than upset. Reading all these lovely kind messages from fellow MNers has helped.

@InLoveWithAGermanFilmStar

What a nasty man,. and a nasty twisted religion whatever it is

And

@scottishdiam

What fucked up version of which religion are we talking about?

It's Islam. The OP said on the previous page that he is a Muslim. (Second from last post.)

Beats me why either of them stayed with each other to be honest. Surely both of them knew neither one of them was going to change? Maybe both of them were hoping the other one would change into what they want them to be.

My point is NotKnown that it really doesn't matter which religion - the OP's ex is a mean-spirited (in a spiritual sense) nasty man. What is the good of a religion which prompts someone to treat his fellow human being - and one he supposedly said he loved - like this?

My experience made me even more strongly an atheist. I try to treat people as I would like to be treated.

I can picture a catholic man pulling this shit too.

Fours years ago feelings were enough and now they're not.

Why is it that fanatically devout people can manage to behave like utter shits whilst thinking they are displaying piety and conscience?

Yes, I wondered that in my own situation. My ex was clergy family too.

wizzywig - he's already text me saying he still loves me,can't be without me in his life,and that we need to meet up and talk. Looks to me like he's already trying to pave the way to me being 'his bit on the side',his 'little secret' as so you so accurately put it. Either that or he's hoping I'll change my mind (about converting). No chance of that. I haven't answered his text.

I can picture a catholic man pulling this shit too.

The actual name of the religion doesn't matter. I was in much the same situation with a bog-standard CofE man.

What it is, is:
controlling women
asserting superiority
hypocrisy
misogyny

You've dodged a bullet Cheese