AIBU that childminder forgot to pick up DD?

[AVY1]

We use a close family member as DD's childminder.

Yesterday I got a call from DD's teacher to say no one has picked her up. When I finally got hold of CM she said she's realised when she got in but could I go and get DD and snapped at me that I shouldn't be angry. There was no apology.

So I had to leave work to get DD and take her back to CM (who lives on the same road as the school!) and then return to work.

Arrived and got told it didn't matter as DD was safe but I said, 'but I didn't know where she was,' to be met with, 'well you haven't told me when I'm having her' - we have a contract and also flexible hours which I give at the start of each new month and is pinned in the office. Friday is a day she always has her though, and has for two years.

DD is still distraught today that she could be forgotten and myself and DH, who are both pretty laid back, are aghast that we haven't actually had an apology.

She also doesn't seem to realise how this may look for her business - if she can forget a family member who else could she forget?! I know people make mistakes but for a CM this is a pretty big one and if it were anyone else I wouldn't think twice about looking for a new one.

AIBU to expect an apology rather than being blamed?

They always say that you shouldn't mix family and business and this is a good example of why not. Her attitude towards her mistake was really bad. I would be particularly angry about the fact that she expected you to leave work to pick up your child because of her mistake. I can't imagine any other childminder would do that.

I'm not for a second saying DM doesn't adore DD, just that she is aware of how differently she is treated to my nieces and nephews.

Up to this point mum was the only person DH and myself trusted to look after DD to the same standards and values we do. Her dismissiveness has unsettled us.

We will be moving her. I'm so grateful for everyone's perspective. Alongside the obvious safeguarding, including emotional wellbeing, it seems clear that this is not going to work long term without other issues coming up and I wouldn't want family relationships to breakdown over something easily remedied.

Especially since your last update re: Nana having favourites, her 'issues' with you working (it's never the dads is it? ) her total lack of apology I'd definitely find a new CM.

I'm not for a second saying DM doesn't adore DD

But, clearly, she doesn't. Or she'd have been mortified when she realised she had forgotten her.

God I find this quite upsetting to read your poor dd.

Your mum sounds awful (sorry) I honestly can't believe she would forget her own Granddaughter and the fact she did but then did nothing to rectify the situation is unforgivable. If cm forgot my dd I would be livid and if it was my own mother I would be heart broken

I have to say, there is a huge difference between forgetting to collect at the right time, and remembering to go but forgetting to collect one child, while getting the others.

I didn't set an alarm correctly once when collecting DS from preschool, and I was pregnant and feeling awful so thought I would nap. I felt dreadful when woken by a phone call. But I can't fathom going, collecting the kids I wasn't related to, but forgetting my own grandchild, when I'd been getting her for two years, too. I cannot compute that.

Awful situation, OP, and so bloody unfair when lots of us do get loving, committed and reliable childcare from GP free gratis. You've done everything right! Sadly, as you know, this isn't workable.

"so bloody unfair when lots of us do get loving, committed and reliable childcare from GP free gratis."

Yes it must be very hurtful to the OP and her DD.

All good things must come to an end - find a new CM for next school year and revert back to straightforward daughter / mother and granddaughter / grandmother relationships

I'm not saying for one second DM doesn't adore DD

But clearly, she doesn't. Or she'd have been mortified when she realised she had forgotten her.

This. As I said, I'm the unfavoured child. My mother tried this one on with my dd even acting as though my dd (then 7) had bullied her then 46 yr old son. It didn't end well.

Get another CM, why are you putting your dd through this just because she is your mum!

I'd be livid if my DD was forgotten but understand that mistakes do happen. Up until your mum said she'd remembered on the way home and not turned around to get her. Did she expect your DD to walk to hers? Surely she should have rung her or the school to make arrangements instead of knowingly leaving her alone and confused. WTF? Did she contact your daughter?

Getting rid as a CM isn't going to save family relationships being spoilt in my opinion. They already are. She favours her other grandchildren. Forgot your DD. Don't return when she realised. Didn't call anyone therefore lessening the stress for your DD as she realised she'd been left and therefore shortening the time of worry. She doesn't respect your career or your choices. That enough?

She's obviously not meticulous is she could even forget her grand daughter.

More so Going she does not respect your dd, bet she would never do that to one of her other charges.

I am afraid your mother does not adore your dd, or she would never have treated her like she did, and also allow her to be less favoured than her other grandchildren. Time to put your dd first over the feelings of your mum.

Getting rid as a CM isn't going to save family relationships being spoilt in my opinion.

I agree.

I wouldn't go as far as no contact. But it would cool any relationship right off. At least until I got a proper apology and some decent behaviour.

I would not go NC, but she would no longer by looking after dd, only when op is there.

Her behaviour towards your dd was appealling. Forgot to collect her, realised when she got home, failed to inform you and the school, and to rectify the situation (going back and collecting her), no apology, PA behaviour. Not the behaviour of a CM and certainly not the behaviour of a living and caring grandma.,

What the he'll did she think dd would feel, and who did she expect to collect dd. I would not trust her around m child unsupervised again, nasty woman.

No contact is not an option but I do understand posters who are saying that.

DH and I have discussed it and will be finding new childcare. I'm just so disappointed - the more I think about it the worse it gets in my head. DD deserves better than this.

Someone asked about me being least favourite. I'd never describe it as that but I am definitely least understood.

I've had a few more messages (not sure why she doesn't just pick up the phone) so I think it's sunk in that I'm not upset / overreacting. But still trying to justify it. Feeling like the only parent in this situation

It really does blur the lines for you, especially when you're paying the going rate. Not a childminder but if my Mum had forgotten to have DD when she said she was going to she'd be mortified. That clearly isn't the case in your Mum's case. Moving DD will mean she gets used to more adults in her life and maybe this will change the relationship she has with your Mum to make it more meaningful when they do see one another.

My childminder forgot one of my kids about 6 weeks ago. Pretty much exactly as you described.

Difference is, she realised when she got home, rang me straight away and apologised profusely and offered to go straight round and collect him there and then (I had already arranged to collect him at school).

Maybe it's because she apologised it because I'm very laid back that I wasn't that bothered, I have an irrationally schedule so it changes a lot so no regular pick ups which makes it harder to manage. kiddo was safe, everyone did what they were meant to do with an uncollected child and as others have said, we all forget things sometimes so for me it wasn't a big deal and kiddo laughed it off and was reminded he did all of the right things.

Your daughter will pick up and feed off you, despite feeling rubbish, you really need to try and make light of it for her so it doesn't become a big thing.

YANBU. I would be extremely annoyed. Forgetting someone else's child is much worse than forgetting your own but a minded child!?! She is being paid to look after her. When she realised the mistake, she should have gone back to get her. If I was the childminder and forgot a child I would be extremely apologetic. I hope you did not pay her for this day. I would get a new CM. You need someone reliable.

1981 I'm pretty laid back too as is DH. I said earlier if she'd just rung when she realised and explained I would have been fine. I even understand that she was flustered, probably got her days muddled up, and made a mistake. It's the fact it was somehow made our fault that I've spent the past 24 hours a bit pissed off.

With DD we've just taken the silly forgetful nanny approach and she's stopped mentioning it now.

Children remember these things.
DS still talks about the time his dad was late to pick him up when he was five or younger.