AIBU that childminder forgot to pick up DD?

[AVY1]

We use a close family member as DD's childminder.

Yesterday I got a call from DD's teacher to say no one has picked her up. When I finally got hold of CM she said she's realised when she got in but could I go and get DD and snapped at me that I shouldn't be angry. There was no apology.

So I had to leave work to get DD and take her back to CM (who lives on the same road as the school!) and then return to work.

Arrived and got told it didn't matter as DD was safe but I said, 'but I didn't know where she was,' to be met with, 'well you haven't told me when I'm having her' - we have a contract and also flexible hours which I give at the start of each new month and is pinned in the office. Friday is a day she always has her though, and has for two years.

DD is still distraught today that she could be forgotten and myself and DH, who are both pretty laid back, are aghast that we haven't actually had an apology.

She also doesn't seem to realise how this may look for her business - if she can forget a family member who else could she forget?! I know people make mistakes but for a CM this is a pretty big one and if it were anyone else I wouldn't think twice about looking for a new one.

AIBU to expect an apology rather than being blamed?

DD was in permitted numbers. It's all above board, contracts etc.

In that case I'd look for a new care giver

I love my childminder. She's had my kids since the end of my first mat leave. I actually can't imagine her doing this (me, dh, grandparents, I can envisage, not her). If she did it, I think if it was a complete one off if be ok, as in, not end it with her. But what is this nonsense about you leaving work? I can't leave work, hence I employ a childminder!
One reason I love mine is that she has contingencies for everything. Multiple registered assistants, signed consents for medical treatment in her glove box. She would do anything for the kids, and has procedures in place to enable that. Part of what I'm paying for is peace of mind. If she forgets to pick a kid up, that's gone.

If the conversation went like that then I'm afraid you seem a bit of a mug. The conversation would have gone.

Me - The school have called and you haven't picked up x.
Her - Yeah I realised blah blah
Me - no, I'm at work.
Her - so am I...
Me - yes, and part of that work is picking up dd. You need to go and get her right now. I will call the school and tell them you are on your way.

OK - yes, not treating you as one of her clients, treating you as family (and walking all over you.)

That you work for yourself from home does not mean your working time is less valuable than other people's.

You pay for a service the same as the other clients - she needs to offer the same service.

Ask her "if you'd forgotten to collect any of the other children, and the parents rang, would you have asked them to collect themselves? If not, why not?"

I would bet she didn't go back with the other DC when she realised "halfway" because a) she didn't want to admit to school it was her fault (professional reputation) and b) she didn't want the other kids telling their parents (professional reputation).

In short, she screwed you and your DD to save her own skin. Very not cool.

Grovelling apology in order.

So she realised she'd forgotten your dd and just thought 'fuck it' and decided not to ring anyone?

Paid or not, family or not don't leave your dd with her anymore. She's demonstrated quite clearly what her concerns and priorities are and your dd doesn't feature.

I would look for new childminder. Thats awful and must have been distressing for your child. It was also awful she didnt go back to collect her. I wonder if thats more due to she didnt want other children mentioning to parents she forgot someone.

I'd be looking for a new childminder.

Is she looking after 6 kids then? I thought there was a limit to how many a child minder could have at any one time?

It's my mum by the way. That's why I'm so angry but was worried I was being irrational about it.

Some of them are over 12 so they don't come into permitted numbers.

"Mum, shall I look for new childcare arrangements for DD?"

"Why would you do that?"

"Because when you forgot DD on Friday you expected me to drop my work to sort out your mistake - and I pay you for your time. Not only that, DD is so upset her nana forgot her - and you've not apologised. I don't want your relationship with DD and me to be about obligation, but I'm really hurt, and so is she. So perhaps best we do things differently?"

I was going to ask how close a relation she is. Your mum! That explains it, but she is still in the wrong. You can be frank with your mum on this issue.

That does make it worse. I thought it might be some distant cousin. I'd be very honest with my mum when telling her why I was unhappy. I would say I expected to be treated the same as other clients. I would also say she didn't respect my job (is there a reason she thought you could leave work to collect dd? (As I have never known a job where that would be okay)

I don't think it matters in this case that you're family; it sounds like you've done it very professionally, with a contract etc. No excuse for her forgetting, IMO. Of course she should apologise.

I think that's what we'll have to do. I'm not even biased, she really is the best around here and that mistakes can happen.

My mum is one of those who never apologises - in personal life I can live with it but this was a business arrangement.

That does make it much more awkward but your daughtee can't protect herself from this kind of thing, you have to do something tangible.

If it's out of character- if she really is usually great - then you need to find out what's going on anyway. You mum may not apologise to you in personal life but I'm damn sure she would grovel to one of the other parents if she forgot their DC at school!

From what I can gather she had to rush to school as two of the parents of her day babies were late picking up. Not sure why DD got forgotten but no one else did though.

Do you pay your mum the going rate for looking after DD?

If yes, then you can expect the exact same professionalism that her other mindees' parents will expect.

If no, then there does have to be more give & take from you and I can understand her not wanting to take her fee-paying DCs back out to collect DD as she would no doubt have to explain what she was doing to them! She wouldn't want them going home saying "mummy, CM forgot to pick up XXX today. We had to go back for her!"

That said, yes, I would be very hurt that my mum could ever forget to collect her own DGD in the first place. But, for me, how you should expect the situation to be resolved does depend on whether you pay the same for the service as the other parents.

Nah I'd be saying look this mistake is unforgivable in the circumstances. Not apologising to dd is out of order let alone the apology you're owed.
Look for a new childminder. Mums not up to scratch

We do pay full rate.

Thank you for everyone's responses. I've been working myself up wondering if I'm just being over emotional about it as nothing bad did actually happen. And I wouldn't want her reputation to suffer as I know she would never do this with anyone else. She's meticulous.

Will go and see her tomorrow.

My dc was forgotten once by the after school club - based elsewhere - as she was busy sorting something with her builder at her house. No apology and so rude. I withdrew dc from her care. Horrible woman she was.

Your mother! That explains a bit as she probably knew you could pop out easily but that's not the point. If she is being paid she should treat you the same as her other clients. Why don't OPs tell the full story straight away; very annoying as comments would possibly be different. I would dock her some pay to show how cross you are and if she has some sort of comments page anywhere then write on it that she expected you to leave work to get a child she forgot so it's there as a record in black and white..

I also withdrew from afterschool care because they were 15 mins late picking DS up from the bus one day (they school was decanted and being bussed to and from).

Her attitude was stinking when I asked about it. While I was still considering what to do about it, next day she told my then 9 yo that the fact he told me she was late wasn't a very nice thing to do and she was disappointed. That was his last day. You don't mess about with other people's kids and lay the blame elsewhere, or expect them to cover your unprofessional arse. Your mum should have been mortified. It puts you in an awkward position, but it's her who has put you there.

She's not taking your work seriously as she expected you to drop everything to fetch your child. I'm sure none of the other parents who employ her would have been treated like this, they pay her to provide childcare so they can work uninterrupted - as do you.

She's not taking her work seriously either. Yes, anyone can make a mistake, so while forgetting the child is a problem, but something any of us might do on a bad day, her response to forgetting the child is the real problem - it's her job - her responsibility to make it right if possible - to go back and fetch the child - again none of the other parents would have been treated like this.

She thinks she can get away with providing a less professional service because she's not just family, but your mum - presumably you're in that parent-child dynamic which is over spilling into the workplace. You're a child so your job is a "playing at working" job. She is an adult with a "real" job, so she can't just drag her other mindees along to fetch your child - forgetting the fact that looking after your child is also her job, for which you pay her........

You need another childminder.......