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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that childminder forgot to pick up DD?

129 replies

AVY1 · 17/06/2017 14:33

We use a close family member as DD's childminder.

Yesterday I got a call from DD's teacher to say no one has picked her up. When I finally got hold of CM she said she's realised when she got in but could I go and get DD and snapped at me that I shouldn't be angry. There was no apology.

So I had to leave work to get DD and take her back to CM (who lives on the same road as the school!) and then return to work.

Arrived and got told it didn't matter as DD was safe but I said, 'but I didn't know where she was,' to be met with, 'well you haven't told me when I'm having her' - we have a contract and also flexible hours which I give at the start of each new month and is pinned in the office. Friday is a day she always has her though, and has for two years.

DD is still distraught today that she could be forgotten and myself and DH, who are both pretty laid back, are aghast that we haven't actually had an apology.

She also doesn't seem to realise how this may look for her business - if she can forget a family member who else could she forget?! I know people make mistakes but for a CM this is a pretty big one and if it were anyone else I wouldn't think twice about looking for a new one.

AIBU to expect an apology rather than being blamed?

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/06/2017 15:50

def get a new cm,its almost worse it was your mum

and if she reliesed on way home she didnt have dd/dg then why didnt she turn round and get her

you pay this woman/your mum for her services and she failed,and worse doesnt seem bothered

Goingtobeawesome · 17/06/2017 15:51

Everyone forgets something in their lives but it's how she you deal with it and she's dealt with this appallingly.

Get someone else.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 17/06/2017 15:52

Wow. How does a grandmother forget to pick up their grandchild? Your DD must be hurt by that.

Find new CM. I'd be pissed off.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2017 15:53

She thinks she's doing it as a favour for you, doesn't she?

IloveBanff · 17/06/2017 15:54

She lives in the same road as the school, realised she'd forgotten her own granddaughter when she was halfway home, yet didn't go back to get her? That's appalling. She didn't ring you either, you had to ring her, so wasn't she going to do anything about your daughter being left at school? What a bizarre way to behave and to refuse to go and get her and tell you you'd need to leave work instead is un-sodding-believable behaviour.

IloveBanff · 17/06/2017 15:57

"I wouldn't want her reputation to suffer as I know she would never do this with anyone else. She's meticulous."

So you get treated worse than anyone else. How charming is that? Why should you get inferior treatment? You're her daughter!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2017 15:58

Her attitude was appealling, yes mistakes can happen, but she should have offered you a sincere apology. I would seriously find a new CM. No I have never forgotton my child anywhere.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2017 15:59

She should have gone straight back and collected her, not expect you to go and collect her and bring your dd back to her. I would have collected her, gone straight home with her and cancelled her contract.

Dailystuck71 · 17/06/2017 16:00

My CM missed DS when he was in primary one - 3 weeks into his first term at school. His infants teacher also just let him go.

He was found on the road trying to work out how to get to my work when thank god a friend found him.

As a result, CM and the entire school changed their policies on pick ups. Both were massively apologetic. I stayed with both because of the apologies, new procedures and reassurance it would never happen again.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 17/06/2017 16:01

Get rid of her and get a new CM. She sounds awful, I wouldn't want her in charge of any DC with her attitude.

Original poster

AVY1 · 17/06/2017 16:01

I wasn't trying to dripfeed. I wanted objective opinions as felt it being my mother may have affected it.

More infuriatingly it wasn't convenient for me to leave work - I was in my office not at home. I had to change appointments etc and work til 10pm instead of 7.

DH and I are going to talk to her together and ask if there is an issue with us being a client as she just sent me an odd message about how we need to readdress our priorities but with no mention of yesterday and whether 'we' meant DH and I or me and her?!

All I wanted was an acknowledgement that she messed up and a sorry, mainly to DD!

DH also just told me that DM never mentioned it when he picked DD up!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2017 16:03

She sounds awful and unprofessional. She did nothing about the situation, she should have gone and collected your dd and offered a sincere apology. YOu employ her so that you are able to work uninterrupted as somebody has said, she did not do her job properly and sounds as though she could not be arsed.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 17/06/2017 16:03

I'd look for a new childminder.

She isn't bothered about your DD being worried by being forgotten, she isn't bothered that you had to leave work (which could have made you look bad to your employer), and the way she spoke to you makes me think she resents caring for her grand-daughter. I'd go back to her being fun grandmother, not paid child minder, trying to mix business and family obviously isn't working. You see her as your child minder during work hours and she sees herself as your mother. That's bound to cause friction at some point.

MouldyPeach · 17/06/2017 16:04

What would have happened if you hadn't called her/missed the school's call somehow? Time for a new CM.

UrsulaPandress · 17/06/2017 16:12

I bet she's reading this thread.

lalalalyra · 17/06/2017 16:12

I'd look for a new childminder. It sounds to me like she sees you as her DD and DGD rather than her client. No way would she have asked any other parent to fix her cock-up.

When you mix business and family you need to be extra professional imo. Not less.

Inertia · 17/06/2017 16:13

I think she's trying to minimise it because she's your mother, and it sounds a bit like she's used to telling you what to do.

The fact that she didn't go back for your dd, or apologise, would make me think that she's expecting you to pay full whack for a level of professionalism that she isn't willing to deliver. You can bet your bottom dollar that she wouldn't have brushed off any off the other parents so lightly, nor told them to pick up their own child. As a PP said , she was working but part of her work was collecting your DD.

Original poster

AVY1 · 17/06/2017 16:17

The thing is if there'd been an apology straightaway and she hadn't posed it that I had no choice but to pick DD up then I would have accepted it and that would be that.

However, that she can be so dismissive of DDs emotions is devastating. I think we're going to have to see out the rest of term but am looking for alternatives now.

OP posts:

IloveBanff · 17/06/2017 16:18

"she's expecting you to pay full whack for a level of professionalism that she isn't willing to deliver."

Yes, which is truly disgusting.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2017 16:19

She's dismissive of you, too, and you're equally important in this. She saw your job as nothing, that you could just up and do her job in the middle of the day.

IloveBanff · 17/06/2017 16:23

It's baffling to me that she didn't go back and get your DD as soon as she realised, didn't contact you or the school either. What the hell?

Lweji · 17/06/2017 16:25

So, she forgot her own granddaughter, realised on the way home but didn't bother to go back, even though she lives on the same street (assuming it's not miles long), waited for the school to call you and told you to go and get the child, and now is sending messages about priorities?

Change childminders and don't allow her responsibility over your child again.

I'd be expecting an apology, a proper one, and would let her know that. And let OFSTED know.

Shame you can't find an alternative right now.

BLUEsNewSpringWatch · 17/06/2017 16:26

eternal next day she told my then 9 yo that the fact he told me she was late wasn't a very nice thing to do and she was disappointed
no one should ever tell a child it's wrong to tell their parent something! That alone is enough to say that person should not be in childcare - at all.

OP The fact this is your mother makes it worse. She didn't give a fuck about your DD, she only cared about saving face and ensuring other parents didn't find - that makes her an appalling cm. No way in hell would I be able to let DD go there again. If she'd have rushed back to school when she realised, apologised profusely to DD, teacher and you, then as a one off it could have been forgiven. Your poor DD must feel awful - it would have been horrible enough to be forgotten by 'just' a cm but to be forgotten by your nan and for your nan to not even say sorry is terrible. Give her lots of extra hugs poor girl.

Original poster

AVY1 · 17/06/2017 16:28

I know Banff - even if she'd quickly text me a sorry and an I know it's awkward but can you go and get her!

I think there is definitely a blur of lines here. She has nothing but the utmost respect for all of the other parents and bends over backwards for all of them to ensure good relationships and happy clients. Feeling a bit stupid right now to have expected the same.

OP posts:

MakeItStopNeville · 17/06/2017 16:32

I wouldn't change your childminder personally because it's your DDs Grandma, unless your DD isn't happy going there. Shit happens. It's ok to call her out on her attitude but I really wouldn't cause a whole load of family drama over it. Life's waaaaaayyyy too short.

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