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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that childminder forgot to pick up DD?

129 replies

AVY1 · 17/06/2017 14:33

We use a close family member as DD's childminder.

Yesterday I got a call from DD's teacher to say no one has picked her up. When I finally got hold of CM she said she's realised when she got in but could I go and get DD and snapped at me that I shouldn't be angry. There was no apology.

So I had to leave work to get DD and take her back to CM (who lives on the same road as the school!) and then return to work.

Arrived and got told it didn't matter as DD was safe but I said, 'but I didn't know where she was,' to be met with, 'well you haven't told me when I'm having her' - we have a contract and also flexible hours which I give at the start of each new month and is pinned in the office. Friday is a day she always has her though, and has for two years.

DD is still distraught today that she could be forgotten and myself and DH, who are both pretty laid back, are aghast that we haven't actually had an apology.

She also doesn't seem to realise how this may look for her business - if she can forget a family member who else could she forget?! I know people make mistakes but for a CM this is a pretty big one and if it were anyone else I wouldn't think twice about looking for a new one.

AIBU to expect an apology rather than being blamed?

OP posts:
Original poster
AVY1 · 17/06/2017 16:34

And I would have understood as a one off if she had been flustered by late arrivals of other parents etc. I am human, I do get that the unexpected happens.

OP posts:
Inertia · 17/06/2017 16:37

The thing is, it's not just your time that she's shown a lack of respect for. The teacher had to keep your child with you until you could get out of work and get to school. What if the teacher had meetings to go to , or an after-school club to run, or a tournament to ferry a car-full of other children to?

LagunaBubbles · 17/06/2017 16:38

I know this is a professional arrangement, contracts etc but this sounds as if the dynamics of your daughter/mother relationship have influenced the situation. For example you say it was massively inconvenient to leave work - so why did you? If the child minder wasn't your Mum would you or would you said "no I pay you to pick up my daughter"?

Original poster
AVY1 · 17/06/2017 16:42

I wasn't really thinking of anything at the time apart from wanting to make sure DD was ok. It's not the first time the family dynamic has affected the arrangement but that has usually been minor, unimportant and easily solved things. We did talk about this all at length but obviously it is an issue.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2017 16:44

Its best if you find a childminder from outside.

Whatawaytomakealiving · 17/06/2017 16:46

If your mum is OFSTED registered this ought to be reported as a safeguarding concern. I have had to do this in the past when a CM left a child at school and had no idea she was a child down when we called.

I'm not suggesting you do this, though the school may have. I am trying to show that your mum is doing a professional job, bound by rules to keep children safe. Those rules are no different just because you are a relative. They are in place to keep children safe.

I'm not even sure if your mum would normally be expected to report this. She does need to see how serious this is.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2017 16:46

You should not have come to collect her, you should have asked her to go and collect your dd, sloppy attitude just because the CM happens to be your dd grandma.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2017 16:49

She forgot her own DGD?! Who is also her charge that you pay full rates for. Get a proper CM, she isn't professional or meticulous at all if she can forget to pick up a child.

Your mother is taking the piss, her weird message about priorities is probably a passive aggressive way of saying she doesn't approve of you working (was she a sahm when you were a child?) and like a PP said upthread that she feels like she's doing you a favour.

IloveBanff · 17/06/2017 16:49

She takes your money, why does she think she doesn't have to do the work?

CuntyyMcCunterson · 17/06/2017 16:50

Her: Oh I know, I realised half way home.

WTF. This makes it even worse. She should have turned round straight away.

SACK HER!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2017 16:50

Totally agree with Whatawaytomakealiving said ^^

Goingtobeawesome · 17/06/2017 16:52

What would you do if she wasn't your mother? She isn't giving you special favours as your mum so why should you? If you'd remove immediately if a non related CM then you should do the same here.

loveyouradvice · 17/06/2017 16:57

what feels really important is that she apologises to your DC and soon - whatever else happens it is crucial your DC knows she is important and not second best which seems to be how she is reading this....

Original poster
AVY1 · 17/06/2017 17:06

I think the thing is if CM was anyone else we'd have had an apology immediately. That the onus was put on us as being at fault is what has made a mountain out of this.

DD is already pretty fragile when it comes to nanny as it's very clear who the favourite grandchildren are and it breaks my heart when she brings that up. This has not helped. I'm gently trying to find out if DM did say anything to her after I'd dropped her off.

Ofstead do know. As do other parents.

As for my work, I knew that DM had issues because she just can't understand the creative industries - but she knows I'm earning enough to afford her so she must realise I'm doing ok!

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 17/06/2017 17:06

Hang on. So even when she realised her mistake, not only did she not turn round immediately and go back to school, she didn't even tell anyone? Not you? Not the school? Just left the responsibility of her own granddaughter to someone else? Shock

Lweji · 17/06/2017 17:09

You should deduct from her pay the time you took to pick up your dd from school, plus petrol.
And give her notice.

Original poster
AVY1 · 17/06/2017 17:13

The forgetting and not doing anything about it is massively out of character so I'm not sure whether there is something I don't know yet. However, yes, she did just leave it for someone else to fix.

OP posts:
eternalnamechange · 17/06/2017 17:16

Blue exactly. I was livid when he told me, but of course, he was then begging me not to say anything because she would "shout" at him again. She didn't get the chance and he never set foot in the place again. He had been there about 5 years by then. The rest of the staff were lovely, and up until then, I thought she (the manager!!) was decent too.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/06/2017 17:18

So she is charging you full rates, as a registered CM, so you should expect a professional service, which is not what you got. Treat her like you would any other CM who behaved like this, it works both ways. Sack and report her. Does not matter if she is your dd granny, when she is caring for your dd she is the CM. She sounds awful btw, its not your fault if there is a fall out from this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/06/2017 17:23

If your dd is the least favoured grandchild, I would definitely get a nice, caring childminder for her. My dds one is lovely, approachable and mumsy in a nice way. Your dd needs to know she comes first. And she doesn't in this set up. Are you the least favoured child? I'm just wondering why you would put up with this treatment from your mother. I say that as the family scapegoat and therefore least favoured.

THirdEeye · 17/06/2017 17:24

I appreciate that this is awkward as she is your DM.

But. She left her own GD at school and when she realised didn't turn back to collect her Hmm. If that wasn't enough, she made you collect her, hasn't apologised and has taken issue with you...

OP, you have a duty to your dd. You've already mentioned she's anxious and already is aware that nanny favours the other GC.

Actions speak louder than words and she is balantantly telling you she doesn't give a shit.

Find other CC.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 17/06/2017 17:29

Grandma, you're fired.

LucieLucie · 17/06/2017 17:36

Since it's your Mum your speaking about I'd worry that there's something wrong with her medically for her to forget her grand daughter.

Is she stressed, Ill? Have you stopped the think why this happened?

Oh and it's never a good idea to hire family as paid staff. The only person I know to hire their own mother as their registered childminder was fiddling tax credits and splitting the money Hmm

Original poster
AVY1 · 17/06/2017 17:43

Well we're certainly not doing that! We just thought if we were paying someone it may as well be mum.

My mum is perpetually stressed.

She's text again to say she meant her priorities, which knowing her is an attempt at an apology but for DDs sake we're going to have to make some changes.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 17/06/2017 17:46

DD is already pretty fragile when it comes to nanny as it's very clear who the favourite grandchildren are and it breaks my heart when she brings that up.

This alone, after 2 years of paid for childcare, would get me moving her. What is it doing to her self-esteem and sense that she is lovable and has value, being cared for regularly by a grandparent who nakedly prefers her cousins?

I think you have all the disadvantages of family provided childcare and not a single one of the usual advantages - you pay going rate for a substandard and (this week) actively unsafe service. And it doesn't sound ideal emotionally for your child, either.

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