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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being mean?

122 replies

TheDailyWail · 17/06/2017 09:23

Dd1 12 yo is going to a swimming party today. She wants a tankini. DH bought her a swimming costume about 2/3 months ago at her request. I've attached the picture of the one my DH bought, as you can see, it's a nice costume.

I've said I'm not buying her a new tankini. DH thinks we should get her one and is trying to get me to agree to getting her one.

For context - we are towards the end of our overdraft at the end of every month. We have an upstairs toilet which doesn't work due to a leak. We can't afford to repair it at the moment. The plumber disconnected it for us. He's said it's a job we could do ourselves to make it cheaper. Thankfully we have a downstairs loo.

Dd1 keeps losing her stuff - a school jumper (£30), a pencil case, I thought she lost her Zip Card but she found that. She also complains bitterly about the fact that she doesn't have her own room, she thinks we can pluck £40-50k out of thin air to do a lift extension (although that's a rite of passage - I did the same with my mum). We both work full time, we don't have any luxuries - we don't eat out, smoke or drink.

I'm getting bogged down (if you can excuse the pun) by being the fun killer all the time. 😕

Am I being mean?
OP posts:
Afreshstartplease · 17/06/2017 09:25

Not mean no but I expect her friends have all said they have tankinis so she wants one too

therootoftheroot · 17/06/2017 09:26

No you're not being mean. She will be under water and nobody will be able to see her bloody swimming costume!
She'll be be expecting you to buy a card and gift to take to the party too? And give her a lift there and back?
Tell her to jog on

PurpleDaisies · 17/06/2017 09:26

Sorry things are tough for you. Flowers

To be honest, none of that context is relevant. She got a new swimming costume very recently and she doesn't need a new one. Don't feel guilty-you're not mean.

cunningstunnt · 17/06/2017 09:27

My DM was a single mum when I was growing up and we had NO money. I'm only 29 but I remember going to school with holes in my shoes and I had to hold my school bag in front of me in both arms as both straps broke. I never complained because it wasn't mum's fault.

I'm not being a martyr but your DD sounds quite spoilt. You're doing your best and you need to make her understand that the money just isn't there. 12 is old enough to get her head around this instead of demanding a tankini knowing you don't have a working toilet upstairs.

SquidgeyMidgey · 17/06/2017 09:27

YANBU to.not buy a tankini for one wear when she has a perfectly good swimming costume.

Original poster
TheDailyWail · 17/06/2017 09:28

Yes, that is the reason FreshStart.

OP posts:
Eolian · 17/06/2017 09:28

YANBU at all. She doesn't need a tankini whatever your financial situation.

MrsLion · 17/06/2017 09:29

No, you're not being mean. She has a nice swimming costume, she doesn't need anything else.

Afreshstartplease · 17/06/2017 09:29

Peer pressure is a bitch but you can't afford a tankini so she does need to accept this

She will also probably get to the party and other girls won't have tankinis so it will hopefully not be an issue

therootoftheroot · 17/06/2017 09:30

i am so mean that i would be saying that if she didn't stop going on about it, she wouldn't be going to the party at all but i am quite hard core

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 17/06/2017 09:30

It's not mean, you already bought her swim wear that she wanted not very long ago - you can't keep replacing things because of the current trends her friends are doing, plus it can become an ongoing habit.

You could always cut the costume in half Grin

SaucyJack · 17/06/2017 09:35

When you say "at her request"- does that mean she chose and asked for this particular costume? If so, then YANBU- especially as you can't afford to replace it.

I do sympathise a bit with her tho. It's an age where kids seem to grow up and take an interest in fashion very quickly. I remember the horror well of turning up to the first day of secondary school in my Clarks school shoes and realising everyone else was wearing platforms from Tammy Girl.

SquidgeyMidgey · 17/06/2017 09:37

Therootoftheroot me too

apostropheuse · 17/06/2017 09:39

Did your husband choose the costume, or your daughter?

PurpleDaisies · 17/06/2017 09:40

Did your husband choose the costume, or your daughter?

Why does that matter? She has a perfectly good swimming costume and doesn't need another one.

HSMMaCM · 17/06/2017 09:44

I bet one of her friends has a spare she can borrow.

BewareOfDragons · 17/06/2017 09:44

I would tell her no. She has a new swimming costume, and she doesn't need another one.

And volunteer her for a few shifts serving food in a homeless shelter. Or have her watch the footage of all those poor families that have just lost their homes and everything they own in the Grenfell fires.

You could also tell her to start offering to wash cars, mow people's laws, etc to earn some pocket money if she wants 'extras' that she doesn't actually need.

MissBax · 17/06/2017 09:46

Don't worry OP, you're being completely reasonable :) I'm sure she'll have a strop, which will be over and forgotten by tomorrow!

MissBax · 17/06/2017 09:46

Could she start a paper round or something and learn to save up if she wants something?

apostropheuse · 17/06/2017 09:46

It matters to me because if she chose it I would be telling her that she had to use it as it was her choice. If she didn't then, at her age, I wouldn't force her to wear something she didn't like. Fathers and 12 year old daughters don't always have tge sane taste in clothes.

LunaMay · 17/06/2017 09:53

If she chose it she should wear it. It's not something my 12 yo would have worn but she would have been made to wear what she had or not go.

NavyandWhite · 17/06/2017 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheDailyWail · 17/06/2017 09:56

FakePlastic - what a way to get me out of the doldrums!

SaucyJack - I sympathise with her too. I was that kid when I was young and she's not saying anything that I didn't say at her age. I would love to go and give my younger self a good shake for being so ungrateful!

RootoftheRoot - yes, I've said that to her.

By the way, when I say we don't have luxuries - we're not martyrs, we're those odd kind of people who don't particularly need a drink, at home or away.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 17/06/2017 09:59

I think swimwear is something you only have one of (or possibly two if you do a lot of swimming) until you grow out of it. It's not necessary to have a selection. If you buy her a tankini, next month a new style might be the in thing.

regarding the room of her own - I can understand that, as i had to share a bedroom as a child - and sometimes you really want some privacy especially when you are entering your teens.( Does she share with a sibling ? - If so can you divide the room somehow with a curtain or something? My sister and I built a sort of wall across the room using the furniture Grin )
But that's life, if you don't have the space you don't have it. On the plus side, I have always been fine sharing with anyone -so have saved a lot over the years in accomodation by being happy to share rooms, use youth hostels etc.

In the longer term life can be a bit easier of you are used to managing with what you have and being able to sort out what is really important and worth saving for. Everyone needs to learn to prioritise. So what I'm trying to say is don't feel bad that she is missing out compared to her friends - she isn't

MidnightSheep · 17/06/2017 10:03

Well I'm flying in the face of others......the costume is nice, but not what 12 year olds consider nice.

Asda/Sainsbury's/Tesco all do good cheap swimwear - go and get her a tankini from there..... you could always explain she needs to pay you back from savings/pocket money or by doing extra chores- that way she "earn" it.

She's only young once....we always remember the things we wanted and didn't get....so surprise her and make her happy