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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being mean?

122 replies

TheDailyWail · 17/06/2017 09:23

Dd1 12 yo is going to a swimming party today. She wants a tankini. DH bought her a swimming costume about 2/3 months ago at her request. I've attached the picture of the one my DH bought, as you can see, it's a nice costume.

I've said I'm not buying her a new tankini. DH thinks we should get her one and is trying to get me to agree to getting her one.

For context - we are towards the end of our overdraft at the end of every month. We have an upstairs toilet which doesn't work due to a leak. We can't afford to repair it at the moment. The plumber disconnected it for us. He's said it's a job we could do ourselves to make it cheaper. Thankfully we have a downstairs loo.

Dd1 keeps losing her stuff - a school jumper (£30), a pencil case, I thought she lost her Zip Card but she found that. She also complains bitterly about the fact that she doesn't have her own room, she thinks we can pluck £40-50k out of thin air to do a lift extension (although that's a rite of passage - I did the same with my mum). We both work full time, we don't have any luxuries - we don't eat out, smoke or drink.

I'm getting bogged down (if you can excuse the pun) by being the fun killer all the time. 😕

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/06/2017 12:27

That particular swimming costume looks WAY too young for a 12 year old imo.

If she chose it, fair enough, she doesn't get a tankini.

If your DH chose it, and I suspect he did as you've dodged answering that question and presumingly don't want the answer to skew the replies, she should absolutely get a tankini, because I would have been fucking mortified to have had to wear that as an almost teenager and I bet she is thinking the same.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/06/2017 12:29

I can see how older women with a standard uniform of black (slimming apparently) and other muted colours would deem it babyish.

I'm late twenties and I adore bright colours; hardly ever wear black. All my costumes and bikinis are nice and bright.

This particular costume IS babyish, and that's the problem here.

BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 12:29

I've got to be honest, I've only just reread the original post and do feel that that swimsuit is a bit young for a 12 year old. I too thought she was younger when I saw the photo!

I know you are struggling with cash but if you had a spare bit I'm sure Primark would have a lovely one for a 12 year old, and maybe tell your daughter that she won't be getting her favorite treats in the weekly shop for a while or something similar! It's a tough one tbh.

SuperRainbows · 17/06/2017 12:30

My first thought was the costume was for a much younger child. Also a costume range for 3-14 years is ridiculous. Imagine if there was a 3 year old in the pool with the same costume on as her.

However, if your dd picked it, she obviously liked it. If she didn't pick it, then I can understand where she is coming from.

If time allows, I would get her a tankini, but definitely make her pay for it, either by doing extra jobs or from her pocket money.

BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 12:34

Oh and Charles my bikinis are bright and flowery and I think even maybe the odd butterfly (I've never owned a black swimsuit in my life), and a joy to wear on beautiful beaches but as a 12 year old girl I don't think that the one linked here would do much for my credibility and at 12 all you want to do is be accepted and be like your friends.

rizlett · 17/06/2017 12:38

I found that saying to my kids they needed to pay half from pocket money sorted out how much they really wanted what they were asking for.

dataandspot · 17/06/2017 12:44

Can anyone recommend somewhere to buy tankinis from?

Have found nice ones in new look 9-15 range before but no luck this year.

charlestonchaplin · 17/06/2017 12:57

What makes the swimsuit babyish? The neckline is appropriate for a 12 year old unless she has an ample chest. However I don't want to get too involved in what is, after all, a triviality. I hate the world we live in where being anything other than a clone is a fate worse than death for many people. It starts in primary school and never ends for many.

2ndSopranos · 17/06/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 13:19

Charles I think the fact it starts at age 3 is a big clue, it just looks like a swimsuit for a young child. Of course it's just my opinion. I expect it goes up to age 14 to accommodate larger sizes than actual 14 year olds, but of course I could be completely wrong!

charlestonchaplin · 17/06/2017 13:24

You haven't actually said what it is about the swimsuit that you think is babyish Buster. Some designs transcend age.

Primadonnagirl · 17/06/2017 13:27

I'm surprised how many replies there have been that suggest giving in to peer pressure is ok.One even mentions the possibility of being bullied. Let's face it ..it's an unpleasant part of growing up ( worse these days it seems) but that doesn't mean the parents need to struggle financially to avoid it. It's the nasty minded mean girls that are the one with the problem ( although OP hasn't said there's any potential bullying). I think the bigger issues is that your daughter still gets to go, she has a swimsuit that yes maybe she's gone off now but that's really no big deal. She needs to appreciate what she has because there will always, always be something someone has that's better. Help her to see what a nice time she's going to have.

BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 14:07

I can't quite put my finger in it Charles, just to me it looks like it's made for a younger child, but I'm a mother of a boy so I'm not up to date with trends for girls. I could be completely wrong in my opinion and probably am. Maybe the colours and design look like they are for younger girls but then again plenty of older girls wear those colours. Maybe just the overall look of it.

DonaldStott · 17/06/2017 14:44

Or have her watch the footage of all those poor families that have just lost their homes and everything they own in the Grenfell fires.

The poor kid only asked for a tankini ffs. What an ott reaction.

tireddotcom72 · 17/06/2017 14:52

My dd is a little bit older but I know when she was 12 she wouldn't have worn that swimsuit. She has a plain speedo type one for swimming and a selection of bikinis and tankinis from new look and primark for summer. There is an open air pool near us that dd and her friends spend most of their summers at the conversations always involve are you wearing a costume or tankini - the tankinis always win. They are really cheap in primark or peacocks

MidnightSheep · 17/06/2017 15:58

Yes, really theroot.

Losing things is a different argument to the (non) suitability if the swimming costume to a pre-teen/teen pool party.

It's not her fault that the toilet is broken..... yes she's old enough to understand that it is a priority to get it fixed.....but I doubt a few pounds for a tankini is going to make the difference.

I went without when I was at my lowest ebb so DS and DD could have things.......neither are spoilt, but I came from a poor background and promised myself my children wouldn't miss out like

Dancergirl · 17/06/2017 16:01

buster you are completely right, my 10 year old dd would say that swimsuit is babyish.

It makes no sense to deny this girl a cheap tankini that's she's happy with just to make a point that money is short.

OP, hope things worked out ok, come back and let us know what happened.

statetrooperstacey · 17/06/2017 16:15

I Would buy her the tankini. Perhaps she doesn't want a camel toe round her friends!
Just get her a cheap one if you possibly can .
It's a bit like a man rocking up in speedo budgie smugglers and everyone else wearing board shorts.

Ellisandra · 17/06/2017 16:18

Of course, at 12 she could earn the cost of it by being put on YouTube tutorial search re the toilet leak.
Get her to find some videos, and make a list of materials needed from the hardware store.

FoodGloriousFud · 17/06/2017 16:24

I'm in the minority but I think that looks like a young child's swimming costume. But if you can't afford it that's all there is too it so she can wear it or not go!

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/06/2017 16:28

Although the swimsuit is sold for 3-14 yrs let's face it anyone over 8 will not want to be wearing the same suit as a 3 year old. Of course it is therefore relevant if her Dad a middle aged man who would have selected on size alone chose it and not her! The same as it is irrelevant if lots of ladies of whatever age on here like it. Dd clearly does not.

There are very cheap tankinis in the supermarkets. Does DD get pocketed money or the chance to earn money through chores because that may be a compromise?

zeeboo · 17/06/2017 16:28

I think that swimsuit is very young for a 12 year old. If Dad chose it then I'm not surprised she's asking for something more mature. I would buy my DD the tankini but I can afford to and I like my kids to have multiple swimwear so they don't have to get back into wet ones when swimming twice in one day on holiday.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2017 16:54

Wonder if the op will come back.

The fact she's pointed out it's a nice swimsuit could indicate the daughter doesn't like it and doesn't want to wear it and the father is saying they should buy her a tankini because he bought it and realised later it's too young for her.

I guess the party is either underway or over...wonder what happened...

woodhill · 17/06/2017 18:09

I know where you are coming from OP but that swimsuit looks babyish imo.

Could you buy her a cheap tankini and eBay that one. Someone may have a large dd who is younger itms.

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/06/2017 18:38

Here's hoping all went swimmingly.

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