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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being mean?

122 replies

TheDailyWail · 17/06/2017 09:23

Dd1 12 yo is going to a swimming party today. She wants a tankini. DH bought her a swimming costume about 2/3 months ago at her request. I've attached the picture of the one my DH bought, as you can see, it's a nice costume.

I've said I'm not buying her a new tankini. DH thinks we should get her one and is trying to get me to agree to getting her one.

For context - we are towards the end of our overdraft at the end of every month. We have an upstairs toilet which doesn't work due to a leak. We can't afford to repair it at the moment. The plumber disconnected it for us. He's said it's a job we could do ourselves to make it cheaper. Thankfully we have a downstairs loo.

Dd1 keeps losing her stuff - a school jumper (£30), a pencil case, I thought she lost her Zip Card but she found that. She also complains bitterly about the fact that she doesn't have her own room, she thinks we can pluck £40-50k out of thin air to do a lift extension (although that's a rite of passage - I did the same with my mum). We both work full time, we don't have any luxuries - we don't eat out, smoke or drink.

I'm getting bogged down (if you can excuse the pun) by being the fun killer all the time. 😕

OP posts:

Peanutbuttercheese · 17/06/2017 11:32

I was always the kid that didn't have what they wanted as one of five girls money was always tight. If there is anyway you can stretch to a Primark tankini then get one but you also need to tell her that losing stuff means less stuff and this is a one off.

There's no way my nieces who are in a similar age group would wear that swimsuit. Did her Dad choose it?

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/06/2017 11:34

This thread has been a revelation.

I had no idea what a tankinin or lift extensions are.

I like the swimsuit your DH bought your daughter. Can't see how it's too juvenile for 12.

TanteJeanne · 17/06/2017 11:35

I think that swimsuit is gorgeous. It's not like some plain boring sporty black speedo type thing.
I thought tankinis were for middle aged women who no longer felt confident to wear a bikini.

KurriKurri · 17/06/2017 11:38

TanteJeanne -you are right,- I am a 57 yr old slightly overweight woman and I wear a tankini (convenience of a bikini but covers a multitude) - If you tell that to your DD OP you might put her off

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 17/06/2017 11:39

Does the swimsuit still have tags on? If so then could you exchange it for something more age appropriate? Then you're not backing down on "no means no" but she still gets the tankini.
Also is this something she does regularly? That would make a difference to me.. If it was a one off then I would be more inclined to believe it was genuinely important to her and try to help.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2017 11:40

She's also only lost a pencil case and a jumper. It happens quite often with kids that age. It doesn't appear she is a repeat offender who is careless with her belongings as many kids are.

The things you are throwing in to justify your decision to not buy her a tankini, like the fact she wants her own room or thought she'd lost her card and hadn't, are irrelevant and don't strengthen your case.

Oh and,,There is a reason that swimsuit is suitable for three year olds.

If you can't afford the fiver, fair enough though. But justifying not buying her one because she moans about having to share or the fact your loo leaks isn't ok in my opinion.

Sisinisawa · 17/06/2017 11:43

I need to know what a lift extension is.

And yabu. Get her a cheap tankini. It's horrible being the odd one out.

LittleBearPad · 17/06/2017 11:45

The swimsuit is lovely and perfectly fine for a 12 year old. She's old enough to understand that money is tight. If she really wants a different one she can save up her pocket/birthday money and buy one.

You are not being mean at all.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/06/2017 11:48

Oh and,,There is a reason that swimsuit is suitable for three year olds.

It's also suitable for 14 year olds according to the ad.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 17/06/2017 11:48

I think a lift extension is a typo of loft extension. Although I'm prepared to be corrected!

VeryButchyRestingFace · 17/06/2017 11:50

I think a lift extension is a typo of loft extension. Although I'm prepared to be corrected!

And here was me thinking it was a typo for lash extensions!

BastardGoDarkly · 17/06/2017 11:52

I'd get her one, a tenner won't fix the toilet will it?

We don't have a lot of money to throw around, but if the kids are doing something special with their friends,I want them to feel great doing it, so go the extra mile for that.

lifetothefull · 17/06/2017 11:55

She shouldn't be expected to choose between fixing a toilet and having a new swimsuit. However, she can choose between having a tankini and having a new top. Give her a small budget for clothes in the future and she gets to choose what it gets spent on. She is empowered. Also you can budget for what you need to give her for clothes as it is regularly the same amount.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/06/2017 11:58

I also think it's relevant whether DD chose the swimming costume or had it chosen for her. If she chose it, I agree she doesn't get a new one until this is worn out (or if she gets pocket money maybe suggest she spends it on a cheap supermarket one). however if this was chosen for her, it seems terribly mean to make her wear it even if she hates it.

I've got an 11 year old who thinks that costume looks terribly babyish - the suggested age range just means they make them in sizes to fit that range, not that children will want to wear them!

kmc1111 · 17/06/2017 12:09

You're not being mean, but given the age she's at are you sure the old swimsuit still fits ok? When I was that age one pieces never lasted long, my breasts would grow a bit and I'd have to choose between feeling exposed up top or pulling it up high and risking showing pubes. Tankini's were much more forgiving of that, and a lot of them had a built in crop top that made me feel a bit more secure.

hoddtastic · 17/06/2017 12:09

also think it's relevant who chose the costume?
I have a non-fashion-y 10 yo dd, I'd get her the tankini for a fiver- something that she's potentially going to bump into toddlers wearing it is social death at that age. whilst it shouldn't matter, it does.

marks and sparks, plus from age 3 for a 12 year old? She didn't pick it did she, hence avoiding the question...

Oldraver · 17/06/2017 12:11

I think the swimming costume lovely...for a primary aged girl..

I would but the cheap tankini if it meant her fitting in

kmc1111 · 17/06/2017 12:12

Also I do agree it's very young looking for a 12 year old. Not just the butterfly's but the basic design. It's the type of style you almost exclusively see on girls under about 7-8, so if it's for fashion reasons I get that. Doesn't mean you should buy her something else if you can't afford it, but I expect it will be a bit mortifying for her even if no one else notices or cares, so I wouldn't come down on her too hard for having a strop. This stuff feels so momentous at that age.

Helloitsme88 · 17/06/2017 12:14

I would explain about lost jumper too and use it as a lesson. If she wants a tankini she can use her money. Go to primark and get one for a fiver (using her money) if she's that desperate

Kittyhello21 · 17/06/2017 12:14

I know it's too late for today but when my daughter does this I tell her she needs to raise the money herself, sell some old toys/games/clothes and the swimming costume to raise enough money to buy the tankini, she sells on Facebook (under my supervision) helps her realise that money doesn't grow on trees and it's not that easy to come by

Helloitsme88 · 17/06/2017 12:16

Oh and I saw the picture first. Thought it was for an 8 year old. Was surprised it was for a 12 year old. I would pick a black sporty one at that age or a tankini

bimbobaggins · 17/06/2017 12:21

Does she have any of her own money she can use to buy one ? Birthday , Christmas , pocket money etc.

takeaweeseat · 17/06/2017 12:22

I would get her the tankini. It's horrible being the odd one out.

IHateUncleJamie · 17/06/2017 12:24

IF your dd chose the one in the photo and wouldn't get any wear out of having a tankini too, then no, YANBU.

IF your DH chose the one in the photo and everyone else will be wearing a tankini, then I would take her to choose a cheap one.

charlestonchaplin · 17/06/2017 12:26

There's nothing wrong with the swimming costume but I can see how older women with a standard uniform of black (slimming apparently) and other muted colours would deem it babyish.

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