Am I being mean?

[TheDailyWail]

Dd1 12 yo is going to a swimming party today. She wants a tankini. DH bought her a swimming costume about 2/3 months ago at her request. I've attached the picture of the one my DH bought, as you can see, it's a nice costume.

I've said I'm not buying her a new tankini. DH thinks we should get her one and is trying to get me to agree to getting her one.

For context - we are towards the end of our overdraft at the end of every month. We have an upstairs toilet which doesn't work due to a leak. We can't afford to repair it at the moment. The plumber disconnected it for us. He's said it's a job we could do ourselves to make it cheaper. Thankfully we have a downstairs loo.

Dd1 keeps losing her stuff - a school jumper (£30), a pencil case, I thought she lost her Zip Card but she found that. She also complains bitterly about the fact that she doesn't have her own room, she thinks we can pluck £40-50k out of thin air to do a lift extension (although that's a rite of passage - I did the same with my mum). We both work full time, we don't have any luxuries - we don't eat out, smoke or drink.

I'm getting bogged down (if you can excuse the pun) by being the fun killer all the time. 😕

I see what you did there @Bettercallsaul1

I try, sssm.

Hi, I have returned from picking her up from the party. We didn't buy her a tankini.

Dd1 asked for it yesterday afternoon. No notice to saveup for or earn the money for the tankini. Neither of us get paid until Wednesday.

Dd1 has worn the existing swimsuit to a Guides swimming outing without complaint last month. My husband admittedly chose the swimsuit but is has been worn plenty of times.

I've spoken to my mum and she's said she'll get her a tankini for her birthday present.

I acknowledge that it is not nice being the odd one out.

I've linked to the one which she wanted. It's not that dissimilar in pattern to her existing costume IMO. The cut is different, of course.

And to earlier questions - lift extension = loft extension.

I don't think it uploaded the photo in the last post.

That tankini is much more grown up in design and that makes alll the difference, because that was absolutely the problem here.

I do think it's a shame something so basic has to be a present but if you're really struggling then there's not much more you can do.

If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. But, I think it's odd that her father picked out her bathing suit. Why didn't she get to choose? My daughter is 6, and she chose both of her bathing suits. Both tankinis, by the way.

At 12 my DD was choosing her own clothes, when I came home with items for her that I liked they would end up unworn in her wardrobe, such a waste.

I enjoy shopping with her and watching her own style developing, she knows what she likes and it's good to encourage independence.

Steff13 - her father bought the swimsuit because he works near a shopping centre. The only shops I get to during the week are Morrisons and Lidl. Dd, when I said no to buying her one yesterday, texted my DH with the tankini picture and asked him to get her one.

Do you know what, I think we can all agree that it's a bit of a shit situation from either my perspective or my daughter's (maybe even both depending on your view - although that's pushing it, we are on AIBU after all ).

How's it a shit situation for you op? Because of the lack of funds?

I agree it's a shame something like this has to be a birthday present, but plenty of kids don't get anything and money is tight for many. If you don't have the eighteen quid then explain that to her. Kids understand more than we give them credit for.

Your husband wanted to buy it though, why the different view on your available funds?

I don't think being near the shopping center is a good reason to exclude her from the decision making process. If she needed a new bathing suit, take her to the store and let her pick one. It's a little different than needing a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk; it's something she has to wear, she should have a say.

Yes, she should absolutely get a say in what clothes she's wearing.

Mine are younger but if I could possibly afford it, I would get it.

It's hard being 12 and she's not asking for much really.

That's a lovely tankini op and hopefully as she'll have to wait for it she'll appreciate it even more, when I grew up my parents didn't have a lot of spare cash, but when I did get treats and presents I loved them even more. I totally agree with others though that say your daughter should choose her own clothes, or have a say in what she gets. Good luck with everything Op.

There IS a big difference between the design and cut of the tankini and the swimsuit but more importantly it's thy your Dd chose one, rather than her dad.

You say Dd has the ability to send images to her dad. So even if dad is nearest to shops maybe getting dd's important first would be the way to go when buying her new clothes in future. Just a simple text or photo to choose between a couple.

I think by 12 most girls will be wanting to choose their own clothes and it probably doesn't always match what their Dd would choose for them.

Have you considered that she might be self-conscious about her developing body? The costume in your picture doesn't do much for this.

How about a trip to Primark or the local supermarket? Much cheaper and it would be a good compromise.

Now the pool party is over does she still have the same burning need for the tankini? Probably not and by next week it will be something else that she simply has to have.

I remember this stage very clearly and thinking how mean my mum was for refusing to buy every single thing almost anything.

Have a chat in the next few days about how easy it is to get these passions for owning a certain item which passes the next minute/ week/ day. It's just not possible or sensible to buy all of it and it's a good life lesson.

I hope she still enjoyed the party and realises that not having a swimming costume at all would have been a problem but the wrong one less so. And nothing wrong at all with a fashion item for a birthday present. Isn't that what all tweets want? Not like buying her a multi pack of knickers.

She's at that age now where she wants more input into her style and fashion sense. We have very little money in this house but from that age I'd take dd into town and let her (within reason) chose herself. She knows it's the cheaper end shops we go to and can't afford designer, but this isn't an issue for her, as instead she is being allowed to develop her own identity.

Maybe use this experience to change the way how you buy clothes? And also in this I would include stopping requests for items the next day - she has to learn to plan better i.e. If this is happening on a certain day, what do I need as an essential and what would I prefer although that will need guidance!

At 12 she needs to be picking the clothes within reason.

The original swimming costume was very babyish.

the tankini is covered in butterflies too
she's not changing her style hoices much

and she's not asking for a cheapy from primark for a fiver, she's asking for an expensive one from marks and spencers

if you are at the end of your overdraft then i am sorry but buying a swimsuit for a child who already has a swimsuit is not a priority surely?
I can't believe that people can't see this.

perhaps this is why people end up in so much debt and taking out payday loans and stuff because they think their children's every whim has to be satisfied.

OP i am with you-i wouldn't have bought it either

The original baby's swimsuit was also from Marks and Spencer therootoftheroot

As people have said I suspect a trip to Primark or even Sainsbury's would find the daughter what she wants at a cheaper price. I suspect she linked to M&S because that is where Dad (who is on a budget) chose from initially.

There is a world of difference between the 2 and it is indicative as to why M&S are in the trouble they are in if they a marketing a 3 year old's swimsuit to 14 year olds

I was the 12-year-old without the right clothes. It was fucking hideous, I still remember the sense of panic I felt heading off somewhere.

Please OP, allow her to select her own clothes from now on.