Am I being mean?

[TheDailyWail]

Dd1 12 yo is going to a swimming party today. She wants a tankini. DH bought her a swimming costume about 2/3 months ago at her request. I've attached the picture of the one my DH bought, as you can see, it's a nice costume.

I've said I'm not buying her a new tankini. DH thinks we should get her one and is trying to get me to agree to getting her one.

For context - we are towards the end of our overdraft at the end of every month. We have an upstairs toilet which doesn't work due to a leak. We can't afford to repair it at the moment. The plumber disconnected it for us. He's said it's a job we could do ourselves to make it cheaper. Thankfully we have a downstairs loo.

Dd1 keeps losing her stuff - a school jumper (£30), a pencil case, I thought she lost her Zip Card but she found that. She also complains bitterly about the fact that she doesn't have her own room, she thinks we can pluck £40-50k out of thin air to do a lift extension (although that's a rite of passage - I did the same with my mum). We both work full time, we don't have any luxuries - we don't eat out, smoke or drink.

I'm getting bogged down (if you can excuse the pun) by being the fun killer all the time. 😕

The only only way I'd consider it is if it was an outdoor party I'd get a long-sleeved one (you can get them cheap in Decathlon) - just because kids/sun/pool is a recipe for sunburn.

For me it would depend on your daughters personality, if she's a gobby mare like my daughter and won't get bullied for wearing a childish costume then I'd not buy a new one, if she's shy though and not very good at standing up for herself then I'd buy her a tankini

For me it depends on if your dh chose the last one of your dd? If it was your dd then I would think suck it up buttercup but if it was your dh I would be more understanding, I mean you can't give her what you don't have either and your not mean either way but I would be nicer about saying no if he picked it without her last time and no sympathy if she picked it herself

rally midnight sleeep? despite the rudeness and stroppines??
nfw!

The standard answer for this type of thing in my house is ' Yes you can have ........ if you can afford it?'

If she wants a tankini instead of a swimsuit chocchoc I doubt she will want a long sleeved one

She's only young once....we always remember the things we wanted and didn't get....so surprise her and make her happy

When you can't afford stuff you have to make choices over what you buy. Twelve is old enough to understand that a leaking toilet takes priority over a new swimsuit especially when you have perfectly good swimsuit already.

At twelve it wouldn't have made me happy to think I'd badgered my parents into spending money on a luxury for me that they couldn't afford.

I would probably cave in and buy one, only because I was always the odd one out wearing out of fashion clothes and still remember how awful it feels. If you change your mind and are near an Asda they have several girls tankinis at the moment for £5 or £6.

Depends!

I'm not sure what "at her request" means - did she choose it or not?

Posting a pic sounds like he chose it and you're trying to assure us it's nice. My 8yo would find butterflies babyish and want something with blocky neon colours.

Also - does she want a tankini for its short style bottoms, many are like that? If it was also about a 12yo not wanting to expose her mum or bikini line, I'd be sensitive to that.

Is she a regular swimmer? My 8yo has about 3 costumes in various states of bleached out-ness as we swim loads.

Bottom line though - if you're in your overdraft right now then your husband and daughter need to understand that there is no money.

I can see where your Dds coming from, the costume is quite babyish, I'd get her a tankini from Primark for a fiver.

I think that, given how cheap some tankinis are (£5 or £6 being quoted), I would get one for her. Teens and almost-teens are subject to a lot of peer pressure, and wearing the "right" clothes can really influence how much youngsters fit in and enjoy social occasions. Sadly, it can also play a part in how popular they are too. Shallow, but that's teenage life.

YANBU

We didn't have an awful lot growing up. At 14, I did a mid-week paper round, and at 15, I got a Saturday job for this very reason.

Who choose the original costume?
Because at 12 - that is relevant imo.

I'm going to be honest and say that costume is quite childish for a girl of 12. Could that be the reason why she wants something else?? She may feel embarassed by it......... even though she chose it. Has she worn it in front of these friends before, and perhaps someone commented? Girls are very delicate about clothes at that age, I'm very glad to be out of the other side and mine wear what they want regardless of what their friends are wearing. But I completely appreciate the money aspect....could you agree to Ebay that one and get her something else?

I can completely sympathise with you but I do have to agree with Janeeyre - that is a very very young costume for a 12 year old.
However if she did specifically ask for that one (it's not clear from your post) rather than just asking for e.g "a green swimsuit" and your dh picked that one then tough luck.

I might if in a good mood and not annoyed by the nagging I might look out for a very cheap tankini in supermarkets or something if possible because even if she grows a plain tankini will be more likely to last her for next year, whereas there is no way that bathing costume will a) fit or b) be age appropriate for long

Give her a choice - a new tankini but no party. Or the party but using the existing swim suit. Simple.

That is quite a babyish swimming costume. Did she pick it out? I would have said to her before buying, she's only getting ONE swimsuit/tankini or whatever so make sure she chooses one she likes.

If she didn't choose the original one, I would probably buy her a cheap one. Spending a few pounds (Asda, Tesco etc) isn't going to have an impact on whether you repair your toilet or not.

Pre-teen/teeage years is a horribly awkward time. I would do whatever I could to help her fit in.

Also, if she's starting to develop and is self-conscious about her body, maybe she feels more comfortable in a tankini. She might not be able to verbalise that to you.

"We didn't have an awful lot growing up."

TBF I don't think it's a case of the OP's daughter not having an awful lot in this situation anyway.

M&S isn't cheap, and it's a very pretty swimsuit that many (younger?) girls would love. My 10 year old DD would adore it.

Whether or not to replace new and good quality items for the sake of fashion is always going to be an issue regardless of one's household budget.

Am quite shocked as to how many people don't seem to reinforce the 'no means no' rule. It doesn't mean maybe if your dad can persuade me, or maybe if you carry on pestering, it means no. What happens when she next asks for something which is 3 times the cost?

I think you have to stick to what you have said, and have a serious word with your DH so that he's backing you up too.

On another note though, like with this costume, to put an item of clothes in an age range of 3-14 is ridiculous, if it suits a 3 year old it's probably not cool enough for a 12/13/14 year old and if it suits a 12-14 year old it's probably too grown up for a 3 year old. It drives me mad shopping for dd's

Does she get pocket money? In this situation my kids would be expected to pay for it themselves. My daughter is shoe obsessed - I buy the basic ones she needs (school, trainers, sandals) and anything extra she pays for. Last week we went to the bank and she drew out £15 of her money because there were some t shirts she'd seen and wanted - I said no to buying them for her as she has enough t shirts but she chose to pay for them herself.

So in your situation my daughter would pay for her own tankini! I appreciate this isn't helpful if you aren't in the position to give pocket money, it's only something we've been able to do recently.

I'd also buy her a cheap one for a fiver. I've also been that kid and it's no joy. The swimsuit is very young, I'm surprised she chose it, if indeed she did?

I don't understand the point of tankinis. They are basically swimsuits cut in half. I always associate them with much older large ladies. Swimsuits are very in at the mo so she should wear what she has.

I had a navy-blue regulation swimming costume for lessons. I clearly remember going to a swimming party in my early teens & everyone else had a bikini on. I stuck out like a sore thumb & felt ridiculous.

I wasn't in any was "trendy" & my parents were completely unaware of this sort of stuff.

I'm sorry you are struggling a bit at the moment, but I can see your DD's point, even though that costume is lovely & nothing like my old school one.