Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
ThanksMsMay · 15/06/2017 19:43

^Today 19:38 SwissChristmasMuseum

Aha, there! It's not "entertaining an adult with no boundaries", it's "welcoming a family member" and explaining that, although it's nice to see them (basic manner alert), they'll have to not mind you getting on with your business.^

Would you go to your dil's house when your son wasn't in and then go to her neighbour and let yourself in? Would you call that basic manners?

I thought not calling the cops was lovely if the op

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:43

And who's defending? Just encouraging a different attitude.

NavyandWhite · 15/06/2017 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:44

No I jolly well wouldn't but that doesn't mean I'd assume it was ok to behave badly if I was on the receiving end.

AvoidingCallenetics · 15/06/2017 19:44

I'd rather be considered cold and inflexible than be put upon and resentful, although I don't actually consider it to be cold if I expect to be consulted before someone else dumps their plans on me.

I do hate it when posters say 'you'll be sorry when she's dead'. You can't go through life always pandering to other people's unfair expectations just because they will be gone one day. My mil is dead. I am sad about it and sorry, but I would still not be at all happy about this. I wouldn't want my own mum doing it either, so not just an anyi mil thing, more like an anti being manipulated thing!

problembottom · 15/06/2017 19:45

DP's family did this kinda thing once. They were going to some big sporting event and were meeting at our house before setting off. SIL had decided BIL would sit on our sofa all day and night watching football as he didn't fancy said sporting event. They arrived and told us this was happening. We had no warning.

I had a friend arriving in an hour from London (I live up north so she'd come a long way), prosecco and fancy nibbles in the fridge. I told DP to tell them no, he wimped out and told MIL to tell them, she started crying as she couldn't face it. So I bloody told them and BIL fucked off. SIL blanked me for months afterwards until I told DP his DSis wasn't welcome in our home unless he confronted her about her rudeness. He never did but she thawed.

Families!!!

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:45

MN, don't worry Grin

NavyandWhite · 15/06/2017 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:48

Don't disagree with your second paragraph, Avoiding, and the first can be dealt with in a better way - be nice but explain that you prefer a next time. Where's the problem? Some people enjoy outrage too much.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:49

Yes. You?

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:50

Doh, I mean - a phonecall next time!

peukpokicuzo · 15/06/2017 19:50

Is she gone yet?

NavyandWhite · 15/06/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OohMavis · 15/06/2017 19:52

What an unlikely predicament you find yourself in OP.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 19:53

Moi aussi but I was really only on a handful of threads. Well, one particular one.

Cessj · 15/06/2017 19:59

Havilleland
It's a short step from rumpy pumpy to hun and menz and fam-a-lam and then I'm afraid we shall have to call the police.
(101 of course! Just to get it logged.)

I have been out of the world too long. Please translate so that a 56 year old grandmother can understand. I'm unshockable, by the way.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/06/2017 20:00

I'm guessing by the radio silence from Amber that she may be driving her MiL to a B&B that happens to have availability but isn't close enough for MiL to rock up again tomorrow.

I would have shouted at her for scaring the living crap out of me and made it very clear that nothing like this was ever to happen again! Then I would have called a taxi for her and made her leave to get the train home again!

Seriously strange behaviour there!

LouBlue1507 · 15/06/2017 20:01

SwissChristmasMuseum The OP hasn't acted 'badly'. From what I can make out, she has been calm and politely told MIL that she has guests already tonight.

GabsAlot · 15/06/2017 20:01

my fil did this once-not the key just turnd up with his suitcase

i ran uptairs having a panic attacks-i just cant cope with things like that i hav to prepare

he did stay the night but saw how distressed i was an never did it again-so far

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 20:04

Absolutely, Lou, that's why I said (see below) not you OP Grin

AvoidingCallenetics · 15/06/2017 20:06

I guess the problem swiss, is that OP had plans already, which involve someone who did consult her first.
In this situation, one person is going to he unhappy. Why should it be the OP, who hadn't actually done anything wrong?

The kind of person who travels for 2 hours, gets a key from a neighbour and just assumes this is okay, will not be deterred by a polite request not to do this again. Getting her own way validates this sort of behaviour. I don't think the OP has been unkind - she has merely informed mil that she cannot stay as OP already has a guest. Which mil would have known if she had bothered to ask!
I just think that sucking up behaviour that inconveniences you and makes you unhappy is a way to build lasting resentment.

nctime · 15/06/2017 20:07

What would the OP have done if she didn't have plans?? So lucky that she wasn't just planning wine and a box set. I honestly don't think I'd have to balls to send her away then!

AvoidingCallenetics · 15/06/2017 20:10

And mil didn't want to just stay one night. She was settled in for days. How much of her own plans is the OP supposed to sacrifice so that she doesn't offend someone?

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 20:11

Again, Avoiding, I did say not you OP. All those others breathing fire and spoiling for a good kicking-out. Anyway, I have to leave you to it, as I have been procrastinating. Happy debating!

Butterymuffin · 15/06/2017 20:24

It really is extraordinary that anyone would go to such lengths, and that they'd be fortunate enough to have had their son tell them in a phone conversation where the spare key is, apropos of nothing.

In the event of this actually happening, to me, however, I'd have to agree with Navy that it seems harsh to chuck them out straight away. I would let them stay one night but then say I had plans after that and they'd have to go home the next day. If this was my MIL I'd be thinking long term.