MIL Surprise, surprise

[AmberStClare]

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

I live with an only child. His mumseems to see us as threesome (not in that way!). Everywhere we go,everything we do, every decision we make she must be all over it. She came to see how we had progressed with new house and was saying 'oh I think you should/shouldn't do x.y.z'. No it's our house and we will do as we please.

I'm afraid I haven't read everyone's post but reading the first few pages has got my back up. Don't any of you think there's a reason for this behaviour? It's most odd for sure to be making a 2 hour train journey and turning up unannounced but is she lonely perhaps? Desperate to be needed ( sorry op I really do get the slobbing when dp is away thing and having your own space) but maybe there's something she wants to talk to you about. Maybe the tea thing is just her being a bit on edge. Crying is a big thing so you know, maybe a bit of tea and sympathy and a chance to get to know her and bond. Come on- show a kind side. Just say that next time it would be better to call, she was very lucky to find you weren't at a friend's yourself .....

But she didn't. She immediately wept, tried to get her son to let OP let her stay, and then went around shouting. That's manipulative behaviour.

This. As someone who had to hide upstairs for a bit when two entirely planned guests accidentally overlapped (I did leave DH with them, I didn't just abandon them), this "surprise" would tip me into panic. Then the manipulation would give me the rage.

I felt panicky reading the OP! But I also couldn't turn her away in the circumstances. A two hour train journey is quite extreme. I desperately crave peace and silence at home but I know one day I will miss these chaotic, busy years when someone always seems to want me and maybe I'll be lonely too. I can't help but feel sorry for the MIL even though her behaviour sounds bad. I would have been feigning a headache and getting an early night!

My MIL would need to be 5 minutes away from dying before I'd welcome her into my house under these circumstances. Stand your ground OP or else you'll regret it for the rest of your marriage.

I would agree with the kinder posters but for this: "MIL is on phone to DP wailing about me at the moment and how ungrateful I am." Someone coming into your own house and doing that is just unreal. On a weekday when you've been at work too. Just told my DP the gist of what I'm engrossed in - he asked as I must have looked furious - and his fists clenched as I told him. Both of our worst nightmares (we adore each other's mums too!)

Your DH needs to put his foot down hard and stand up for you.

Is she gone OP?

I was at a gig years ago when my friend turned to the bloke behind her and shouted at him to 'stop frottaging me'. It led to a fairly indepth discussion of what the present participle of 'to frottage' is. She followed the convention of cottage/cottaging but I feel 'frotting' to be more intuitive.

What has the MILs age or whether she is single or not got to do with it? Navy you are like a dog with a bone, neither are relevant to this situation. It could be any family member, but I doubt there are many people who would welcome someone with open arms who turned up out of the blue, got a key, let themselves in and unpacked their stuff, annoucing they were staying. It's ridiculously rude!

I think a lot of people would silently seethe, while putting up with it, which is not good for the relationship in the long term.

If my MIL turned up unannounced, I'd welcome her in with open arms. Because she is a sane, lovely, generous, hilarious person. she would never be rude enough to turn up without calling first

This MIL is a manipulative horror. Her whole reaction proves it.

Not all MILs deserve to be welcomed, just because you married their son!

To be honest, if someone was willing to make a surprise visit that involved a two hour journey and sourcing a key from a NDN that they'd never met before I'd be a bit worried about them. Is she very lonely OP? I think it might be wise to have a wider conversation with your DP when he returns.

Come on OP update us!

She is of course indulging in emotional blackmail and blackmail, as we all know, is a repetitious process if it succeeds. She has to go tonight and understand that this is just not on.

My truly hideous MIL travelled half way across the world to spring a surprise visit on her daughter. For 3 weeks. She gate crashed her son's planned family visit, popping out from behind son's family group with cries of Surprise!

She's the kind of woman you have to psyche yourself up for a phone call with, always critical and negative and dominates everything.

It tipped my sil into depression.

I can't believe some people think this is okay?
It reeks of checking up to me...

I know the overnight staying friend is mythical, but does she really think it's reasonable to expect you to tell your friend in need that she'll have to make other arrangements purely because she decided to "keep you company"?

DH has to go away with work in the next few weeks and I am seriously worried about this happening! She is definitely the type to just turn up but I'm so lucky that DH would back me up and tell her she was being ridiculous.

Hope you have a good night with your friend OP!

Whether the mil is old or single,it doesn't give her the right to basically gate crash her dil.

I would be asking my do if he knew anything about it.It just seems very suspect that she knew who had the key.

I agree the MIL must be incredibly lonely to have done this. She was overly involved in her DS's life and you lived very close but are now 2 hours away - that's a hell of an adjustment for her. So maybe she's manipulative but maybe she's just desperately lonely and this is a batshit way of telling you that. But I'm saying this having only ever experienced lovely MILs (2 marriages).

Hi All, been a bit of a rollercoaster.

Firstly to answer Navy, MIL is 66 and has been divorced from FIL for over 30 years. She is very mobile, thrilled when she could get an OAP rail pass as has opened up lots of new places for her.

Secondly, spoken to DP again. He says he told MIL NDN had a key in case of emergencies.

MIL is safely at B&B, bit huffy but has calmed down. I am not sure what demands will be made of DP and me to make up for this.

Friend and I are on second bottle of Prosecco so over and out for ther night everyone.

I thought the same, RudeDog