MIL Surprise, surprise

[AmberStClare]

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

I can't imagine my MIL doing anything as daft as this. My DM, possibly.

I don't think this is an anti MIL thread. It is neither here or there what the relationship is- though I might be able to be more direct with a birth family member when I asked what on earth do you think you are doing!

I'm not sure Navy, whether you have a great relationship with your extended family and so can't imagine why anyone would be displeased by unexpected vistors, or a difficult relationship and so assume some injustice is going on behind the scenes.

Had there been an underlying issue MIL needed to talk about then she could have apologised for turning up unexpectedly, and asked if she could stay till she can talk to her son. She would have got a different reaction, I'm sure.

And arseholes come in many shapes and forms. Certainly not just the ones who are MILs!

Yeah that's my point.

Do hope that OP comes back with another instalment tomorrow.

Incidentally I too am a MIL (and have my own key!) but wouldn't dream of turning up unannounced. I do make use of their house if I need a bed for the night, but always ask first - by text, so that they don't have to think up an excuse instantly....

My beloved has been home for nearly two hours.

Since then the phone has rung every 15 minutes, you know who each time asking whether he is home, what time is he going to see her, can she come to supper - will I be there if she does come.

Have had NDN here as well. She knocked to see if I was OK and wanted to collect the key from me. Explained she would not be a key holder in future and the reason why. Also that we are having the locks changed again, had them done when we moved in. She went away looking very blue.

I wonder if the fact that it's a new home has anything to do with her behaviour? when we bought our house my MIL had a set of keys for emergencies. One day when we had been there about a week, I was upstairs with the kids for about an hour, when i came down there were some boxes in the hallway and some art had been rearranged in the lounge, plus half a cake left in the kitchen. I was livid. She had clearly Planned it, travelled 30 mins in the car, let herself in. The boxes and cake were just an excuse for some power play of 'i can come into your house (and rearrange your art) when i like. I went ballistic. i phoned my husband at work and ranted. He phoned his mum and told her she wasn't to drop in. And she should phone first and ring the door bell! When i saw her next site kept in trying to fob it off and say she just thought it was quickest and easiest to set off. I just kept repeating 'phone first, phone first'. Now she (mostly) phones first. She didn't 3 weeks ago for the first time in ages.... and we were out! Boundaries set at the beginning are the longest lasting and easiest to maintain.

Glad you stood your ground Op!

Funny she's got credit on her phone now. Every 15minutes? What does your DP say about that?

Why wouldn't you be there if she came for supper?

This is the time that you say to her: sorry, we're planning on having lots of sex.

Very odd that your NDN asked for the key back. I wonder what your MIL said to her. And phone calls every 15 minutes? Your DP needs to tell her she's being ridiculous.

Torches half a cake!

I think you are right, she made a comment to DP about my friend spending the night in 'her bedroom' in our house.

You need to get your DP on side here. The correct response to that would be look confused and ask what she means, as she doesn't have a bedroom in your house.

What has your DH done - is he placating her and entertaining the phone calls? If so he's half the problem. My MIL is a complete batshit arsehole at times but my saving grace is that my DH is always on my team with her.

She's very manipulative isn't she...

Phone calls every 15 mins, knowing that he has just returned home to you.

You do realise that she sees your DP as her spouse. Think about it, she wanted to share a room with him on holiday and is calling him now because he didn't go directly to her and wanting to know if you will be there because she wants to see him tonight.

It's very emesshed. He really needs to have very strong boundaries with her, as she will cry and use emotional blackmail to get what she want.

Personally, I would temporarily block her number until you meet her to have the lunch you planned tomorrow.

'her bedroom? I think 'her bedroom' is looking abit drab and needs redecorating? I'm thinking S&M themed with a dentists chair with straps instead of a bed and a dildo coat rack 😁

Her bedroom in your house

Oh boy, she really is batshit. You need a united front at lunch tomorrow.

"her bedroom" - fantastic

you need to get your partner on side ASAP with setting boundaries - she'd going to be a nightmare if you have children

Is your DH seriously allowing this behaviour to continue? Phone calls every 15 minutes? Her actively trying to exclude you from her own life (husband and home)? Her laying claim to your second bedroom in your home? Her decision to make this trip, unannounced, in the first place and let herself in?

I'm glad you laid it out for the NDN; I hope you do the same for your DH.

I'd be gobsmacked if Navy would be happy for someone to turn up at her home unannounced and break in, expecting to be allowed to stay for an amount of time they dictated, and to want to be waited upon the instant Navy returned home, whether she had plans for that evening or not!

And if Navy would actually entertain the idea of letting that person stay, I ask her why she considers that the intrusive, inconsiderate demands of a selfish and clueless person take precedence over her own needs and desires in her own home/time and why she would be happy for her own life to be imposed upon in that way - low self-esteem? misplaced 'niceness'? passive-aggressive personality?

I actually think OP's response to politely spell out the boundaries and organise alternative accommodation showed a great deal of respect for someone who hadn't shown the same courtesy to her. OP's actions and attitude to this situation are hardly MIL-bashing. Her DP clearly needs to learn how to do the same!

"Her bedroom"?????

Her bedroom? That's crazy! Your DP needs to sort that out right now! Good luck for lunch tomorrow I would be hard pressed to be civil