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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 16/06/2017 19:39

will that be a time to cut them off to avoid my heart being broken when I suddenly become the villain?  I really lose sleep about my future relationship with my sons! 

That's a slight leap isn't it? Haven't you got a phone?

ethanrayne · 16/06/2017 19:40

LK don't turn up uninvited and completely inappropriately and you will be fine!

CaptainHammer · 16/06/2017 19:41

Well done OP for not putting up with it. Also very shocked about how she thought you holiday sleeping arrangement would be!

LK2, you don't need to be worried. OP already said she's happy for them to talk on the phone etc. etc. But if you really think turning up unexpectedly, getting a key from a neighbour to let yourself in, unpack and then expect to stay for a few days while being waited on is fair then yea, you might need to worry about your future relationship with your sons.
It's not necessarily MN being against MIL's, it's MN (quite rightly) being against people that take the mick and do stupid rude things like this.

namechangeforholiday · 16/06/2017 19:41

Boyzmama I don't think this is a hate MIL MN thread. I've posted twice the MIL is being VU. However it's irrelevant it's a MIL, it's relevant that an uninvited guest imposed herself and then kicked off when she was told the spare room was unavailable!

HawthornLantern · 16/06/2017 19:41

LK2boyzma I honestly don't think MN is against MILs. There have been some lovely thread (and also posts in this thread) of women celebrating wonderful relationships with their MILs. But many of the "anti-MIL" threads discuss very unpleasant and sometimes highly distressing behaviour by the MIL. If you plan on behaving like that you will probably have a problematic relationship with future DILs. If you plan on behaving like a reasonable human being and welcome your DIL and respect her then you will probably be just fine.

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 19:41

Why are people on MN always so against MILs... Cause most are batshit crazy. I have 5 sons,eldest 2 are in relationships.There is no way on Earth I would just rock up and let myself into someone's home.Cause I have something called cop on.

In this case the mil is in he wrong.There is no way around that. And op was right to lay some ground rules.

ToothTrauma · 16/06/2017 19:42

Considering LK has managed to interpret this thread as a slight against her future self I wouldn't at all be surprised if her DILs are on here ranting when the time comes Grin

picklemepopcorn · 16/06/2017 19:46

Hope you are enjoying a good film!

ohfourfoxache · 16/06/2017 19:53

Does I'm so so sorry. What an absolutely horrendous thing to go through Sad

LK I'm also (almost) a mum to 2 boys. Yep, the whole "evil MIL" thing is something I worry about. But on the whole, I think that as long as you're not an inconsiderate, manipulative arsehole then that goes a long way to ensuring a good relationship Wink

Veterinari · 16/06/2017 19:57

lk2Boyzma

Unless you consider rocking up at someone else's house and gaining access by duping a neighbour-with-a-key, assuming your DS's partner has nothing better to do with her time than entertain your unnannounced and entitled visit, You're probably ok. Oh and it's also unlikely that once your DS has a sexual partner he'll want to share a room with his mum.

However if this is how you foresee your future role as a MIL. Prepare for conflict and avoidance - like anything, it is what you make of it!

Palpatine · 16/06/2017 20:06

As much as I like both my mum and my MIL I would ask either of them wtf they were thinking to rock up unannounced. Although it's unlikely to happen since both of them live 4000+ miles away. ;-)

BIL has form in this department though. When DH lived in BIL would for example call up in the morning to let DH (then BF) know that he was in town for the weekend and needed a sofa to crash on. Or would just let himself into MIL's house while she was out to do his laundry, which was an improvement from his usual slinging the laundry bag in MIL's general direction and asking her to do it for him while he raided her fridge. (Talk about enabling a man child which is probably why he now lives with her again in his late 30s...)

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 16/06/2017 20:12

LK2 the complaint is about rude, boorish and inconsiderate behaviour, which isn't endemic to MiLs automatically on birthing a son Wink

Follow basic courtesy (like not showing up unannounced, gaining entry to the house and unpacking and expecting your DiL not only doesn't deserve to be consulted on this but should abandon any plans she may have to host you) and you'll be fine.

NavyandWhite · 16/06/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/06/2017 20:20

She came on holiday with us a couple of years ago and was most affronted to find the sleeping arrangements were DH and me in one room and her in another. She had some idea they would have a twin bed room and me a single.

W T F

Loving the kitten names: fam-a-lam, net-hun, picky-tea and sups.

RosePrincess87 · 16/06/2017 20:20

LK2boyzma please don't think that all DILs hate their MILs. There are normally reasons and events that have lead to there being friction. Mine for instance has never made me feel welcome, she's made it clear DH is HER son and she's even told me that she would be a better mother to my child. My family on the other hand have done nothing but make DH feel like part of the family. My mother has done so much for us, where as MIL expects us to give her the world and we get nothing but grief in return. When we first met she had brainwashed DH in to thinking that the sun shone out of her and would say things when he wasn't around to upset me.

It's important to me that my DH and DD have a relationship with MIL because she is their family. But I won't be bullied so have had to put my defences up.

My advice would be to be kind to your future DaughterIL. Don't cause situations where you sons are in the middle of the 2 of you. Don't judge or criticise her. She is not replacing you, no one can replace a mother. And most of all if they raise issues with you don't turn on the water works and play victim. This is what has caused the most conflict between us as I can't speak to her rationally because she just cries.

mumto2two · 16/06/2017 20:22

LK2 ..if you have read this thread...and seriously considered it no more than a mass rant from the anti MIL brigade, then I really do think you need to take serious stock before your boys bring home their future wives! My own mother would never have behaved like this...but sadly..and much to the detriment of our relationship, my MIL does.

murmuration · 16/06/2017 20:33

I love my MIL. She's super. I don't regularly start threads on MN saying, "MIL did this kind thing, how should I react?", or "I had a nice conversation with MIL yesterday, what should I say to her next time we talk?" because, well, you don't need advice for things like that! I'd be here each week with a uselessly boring post if I did that. (Unless I'm looking for a gift for a big anniversary gift or something, I suppose, maybe I'd ask advice then). So for one, people post about problems, so that's why most MIL posts are about problems.

My Mum, on the other hand, is, shall we say, difficult... But if I post about problems from her here, women don't come on saying, "I've got two daughters, I'm really worried about being their Mum when they're adults, will I lose my daughters when they marry?" For some reason the MIL posts strike the fear.

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 20:38

My eldest sons girlfriend said I was a breath of fresh air.All the previous mother's she met where over top,interfering and generally couldn't understand why their precious needed a girlfriend.

Me ,I'm just glad he's happy.She makes him happy.Thats all I want.IWant my son to be happy.

AvoidingCallenetics · 16/06/2017 20:43

People post on mn when they have problematic situations and relationships. It gives the impression maybe that mn is anti mil, but thousands of people have nice relationships with their ils and therefore don't need to post about it.

My brothers are still close to my parents, even though they are both married. My parents get on with their dils - everybody is respectful and kind. My dh gets on with my folks - again respectful and kind. That's the norm, I think.

Where it goes wrong is with batshit parents expecting to have all their own way, when their dc have grown up and have lives of their own and other commitments.

Touchingcloth14 · 16/06/2017 21:00

This reminds me of my MIL, we live in an 'upside down house' so living quarters are upstairs and bedrooms down. Front door was always unlocked out of habit. MIL would always just pop in, shout up the stairs 'elloooo' most of the time we didn't mind as her visits were daytime.
Once....just once she 'popped' in one evening, unannounced.
And caught me and DP mid penetration on the sofa. And still waited for us to adjust ourselves before coming back in for a cuppa and a chat.
The front door has been locked ever since

Doesitgoto11 · 16/06/2017 21:08

Dustarr I think you are awesome.

You're the kind of MIL I'd like to have been (I can't have kids so I'm now just going to be the best WORST aunty in the world Ever lol) 😂

To bring it right back to basics? It comes down to respect. Respect of each other's space and respect of each other's relationship. And if DP is away then I'd encourage the OP to have far more metallic balls than I did since I just accepted it.

When I wanted to do was say 'fuck off'

VERY loudly and in her face.

His inability to address her impositions (in addition to the fact he was an EA wotsit) were the primary reasons we split.

RosePrincess87 · 16/06/2017 21:13

LK2boyzma be like dustarr

SherbrookeFosterer · 16/06/2017 21:20

I thought MIL's like that only existed on TV.

You have to make a stand. A polite one of course, but if you don't, she will make your life a misery.

Also either give spare keys to another neighbour, if you can, with strict rules of exchange!

cailyaclara · 16/06/2017 21:22

Well done for sticking up for yourself and not letting her try to control you in your own house. That would drive me mad!

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 21:28

@Doesitgoto11 @RosePrincess87 Thanks