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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 16/06/2017 12:04

She came on holiday with us a couple of years ago and was most affronted to find the sleeping arrangements were DH and me in one room and her in another. She had some idea they would have a twin bed room and me a single.

Good grief.

HildaOg · 16/06/2017 12:06

That's a fantastic idea ShesNoNorman, op tell her where he's staying, that he misses her and would love a surprise.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/06/2017 12:10

ShesNoNormanPace Grin Grin on FIRE baby.

ShutYourPieHole · 16/06/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

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AnyFarrahFowler · 16/06/2017 12:11

Just to add to your holiday sleeping arrangements post - the night before our wedding, DP stayed in a hotel with his parents, and some of our friends. MIL thought they were going to get a family room for her, FIL and DH, and was most put out to discover her 28 year old baby did not want to share a room with his mum!

WomblingThree · 16/06/2017 12:12

Yes liminality and some of us don't. And even if we do, we don't want them turning up expecting entertaining ffs.

I don't get all this "lonely, elderly" shit. She's 66 fgs, not 96. If she managed to get on a train to get there, she can manage to get on the same train and go home. It's 2 hours, not 2000 miles.

So many people who think the OP is rude: can you not see the irony? Letting yourself into someone else's house and then expecting to be welcomed with open arms and waited on is downright rude.

There is no way on earth that anyone would expect a man to entertain his wife's mother unannounced. It's just another form of wifework.

Namechangearoo · 16/06/2017 12:12

She came on holiday with us a couple of years ago and was most affronted to find the sleeping arrangements were DH and me in one room and her in another. She had some idea they would have a twin bed room and me a single.

My eyebrows just retreated into my hairline and haven't come down yet.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/06/2017 12:18

PieHole Above The Parapet ALERT.

OliveSoap · 16/06/2017 12:19

I'm kind of enjoying it, either way, Pie. Grin

PocaMiseria · 16/06/2017 12:20

@ShesNoNormanPace: bloody genius!

PP "I would have shouted at her for scaring the living crap out of me".....

yeah, me too. My own DM-i-L has a key to our home andlkets herself in from time to time. One day I was working at home and she didn't realise I was here I heard her come upstairs and walked out to meet her: she yelled at me for frightening her.
Excuse me????

MikeUniformMike · 16/06/2017 12:25

Liminality, I'm not a bitch, I only pointed out that this woman is not related to the OP. As good as maybe but not actually related.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 16/06/2017 12:36

OMG those expectations re holiday sleeping arrangements!!!

Until then, I was going to say she was projecting a bit much. My own MIL who is lovely, worries about me when DH is away. Because she didn't like being alone, she can't believe that I actually enjoy it.

Fortunately, she wouldn't turn up uninvited.

Thing is, I feel sorry for the OP's MIL, but I would still be mightily pissed off if I were in OP's shoes.

emmyhNL · 16/06/2017 12:37

Good to hear that you had a good night last night OP. I hope that your MIL doesn't invite herself tonight. I agree that if your DP wants her to stay then he has to come home.

Any Mnetters close by that could be available for drinks or a party close by? :-D

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 16/06/2017 12:48

I know someone whose mother insisted on going on honeymoon with her. She then spent every waking moment with the poor newly weds, to sabotage them getting any time alone together. By some miracle they managed to conceive a child on honeymoon, God only knows how, because I am certain the poor husband didn't! The mother was absolutely furious that they had managed to slip past her and, to coin a phrase, frottaged together. That marriage lasted about four months. The woman was finally freed from her domineering mother about 40 years later when she died. Her life was made miserable by her own mother. Some mothers honestly have no boundaries and cannot see how damaging they are being to their children's relationships. I think you did the right thing OP.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 16/06/2017 12:51

I hope your working from home is productive today OP Wink.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/06/2017 12:53

Now I'm only posting to see what happened next.

Good for you, standing your ground, OP.
I'd be deeply unimpressed if MIL did that to me - although she wouldn't, she only lives 15 mins down the road.
We have put her up at a moment's notice before because of fuckwit knobhead BIL, when he was living at hers and making her life a misery - but that's a different thing.
I have also arrived home to find her sitting in the garden, or her car outside the back, even though she has a key to the house, because she wasn't expected, or she was early for a planned visit.

But to some extent we did have to "train" her at the beginning - before we were living here, MIL had rented the house out to tenants, and then when it was decided we would move to Australia and live here, the tenants were let go (nicely!) and the house was done up for us (new paint job, not massively done up!). BUt it has a pool, and MIL had taken to coming over with her friend for a dip in the pool - and seemed to think that once we'd moved in, she could just carry that on. Nah. Not appropriate. She wouldn't do it with any other tenants, and after the first time when I got a huge fright that there were unknown people in the pool, she was asked not to do it again without at least warning us.
She does still take it upon herself to "do the garden" "for me" but that's tailed off in recent years as I don't take kindly to it.
I forgive her a lot because her own mother died when she was 15, and her MIL lived half a world away, so she has no concept of how it feels to have your home interfered with by another woman - but it still rankles when she does it.

Hissy · 16/06/2017 12:57

Absolutely did the right thing and yes her mobile phone needs dropping in. If DP wants to entertain his mother, he can, but what she has done is beyond bonkers. You have no obligation to mum-sit.

I'm aghast at your neighbour handing over the key!

DixieFlatline · 16/06/2017 12:58

MikeUniformMike, a stranger called you a bitch on the internet, you're supposed to feel suitably contrite and take it back. It's like being accused of being unladylike and 'just not very nice'. Idiots think they're kryptonite for laydees in online discussions. Though maybe you're not a laydee anyway.

expatinscotland · 16/06/2017 12:59

I'm so glad no one has the key to our house Grin.

So, is your DP coming home tonight? Think long and hard about marrying a man like this. I'm not sure I could commit myself to a man who was content with only some dry humping after being away a week.

MikeUniformMike · 16/06/2017 13:03

I'm female. I wish I could be bitchy but I'm not. I'll take it as a compliment then.
Well done to OP for standing her group. Her future MIL sounds batshit.

AvoidingCallenetics · 16/06/2017 13:11

OP, you have retrieved the key from your neighbour, haven't you?

Germgirl · 16/06/2017 13:12

My mil has a key to our house. I've moaned to dh about it countless times but he will not get it back. Doesn't want to upset her.
She's walked in on me several times. Once when I was wandering naked across the landing after a bath. She came in the front door, looked up and got an eyeful. I don't know who was more embarrassed.
I now put the chain on as soon as dh leaves the house.
None of the above is relevant of course, but I'm just saying that for some reason mil's are prone to this odd behaviour.
Hope mil stays away today Op, if that's what you want. I think the idea to tell her to pop & see your DP is an excellent one. See how he likes it when he strolls in to his room half cut after his end of course drinks and his mother is sitting there waiting for him.

SapphireStrange · 16/06/2017 13:19

Germ, but it's OK for her to upset you?

I just don't understand people's DHs/DPs who say stuff like this. I don't blame you for putting the chain on. Presumably that 'upsets her' and yet she somehow survives?

Donttouchthethings · 16/06/2017 13:20

OP, I had my suspicions before but after reading about her holiday disappointment, it sounds to me like she is actively trying to come between you.

Doesn't everyone know that a couple separated for a week would probably want some alone time when reunited? And yet, there she was!

None of her behaviour seems nice or reasonable to me. You've done really well handling this so far. I think speaking to her directly and calmly about how things are going to be might be wise.

Original poster
AmberStClare · 16/06/2017 13:24

Currently enjoying lunch in local pub garden. Went along to the B&B to ask MIL to join me for lunch and a little chat to find she had gone out shopping. Have dropped off her mobile there and told the owners she will be there another night at least.

OP posts: