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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 16/06/2017 10:59

I think I would drop the phone off at the b&b and leave her to it. Don't fuel the fire.

Original poster
AmberStClare · 16/06/2017 11:05

DP has end of course drinks tonight and certainly won't want to have to tell colleagues his DW Has told him to get himself home early to look after his DM. I have told him to ring the B&B and sort it out himself.

pickle what a good idea, might even do a pub lunch as well.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 16/06/2017 11:05

Having read your last comment I wonder if she turned up yesterday on his behalf to 'watch' you. Don't give her an inch. Drop the phone off and say nothing to her. Do exactly as you planned and let her find her own way home. Don't allow her to stay tonight. If he's insistent tell him you'll have his bags ready at the door and they can both return to hers.

You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. He's not only allowing his mother to invade your space and disrespect you but it seems that he may be trying to control you through her. I'd be very wary.

HildaOg · 16/06/2017 11:06

I was referring to the comment before the last one!

NavyandWhite · 16/06/2017 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliveSoap · 16/06/2017 11:14

I suspect that there aren't many MILS who surprise their son in laws with a unexpected stay if their daughter is away for the week.

Indeed. Or for that matter women who would expect their male partners to cheerfully play host to an unexpected multi-night MIL visit when they have their own social plans while they are home alone.

OP, good call on getting your DH to sort it out directly with his mother.

Original poster
AmberStClare · 16/06/2017 11:18

I tolerate her normally. Like said DH is her only child/baby son so I take the view she should have chat time on the phone, time alone with him etc. I will always be the OW to her.

She came on holiday with us a couple of years ago and was most affronted to find the sleeping arrangements were DH and me in one room and her in another. She had some idea they would have a twin bed room and me a single.

I have a batshit DSis who I have written about on here who liked staying at our old house. DP gave me an ultimatum about her so feel I can be the same about MIL.

OP posts:
SensitiveSoinSo · 16/06/2017 11:18

If she does at any point stay in your house this weekend. Have loud noisy sex!
Cheeky bitch. Its hard for some people to believe things like this do actually happen unless they have been on the receiving end if it themselves. I put up with years of shit before learning to deal with it like you have here. Well played OP.

RandomMess · 16/06/2017 11:22

The holiday sleeping arrangements Grin hasn't DH explained that you like to have sex...

NavyandWhite · 16/06/2017 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterymuffin · 16/06/2017 11:24

Random I think you mean they like to have frottage Wink

ohfourfoxache · 16/06/2017 11:26

Bloody hell @ sleeping arrangements Shock

Has she not realised that her son is an adult?

From the sounds of it she has some serious boundary issues.

Ginslinger · 16/06/2017 11:27

very weird about her wanting to share a room with him and leave you in a single -

I really don't understand people who do this sort of thing, just turn up etc

StatelessPrincess · 16/06/2017 11:28

She had some idea they would have a twin bedroom and me a single Wow...that is really special.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/06/2017 11:29

I'm glad you had a nice evening.
However, I would watch her like a hawk because I don't think she trusts you. I think she thinks you would use your DH's absence as a chance to shag someone else and she came over to "bed block". There is a reasonable chance that she thinks you packed her off to a B&B so you could go ahead with your assignation. Be very wary of what she says and does next.

sproutish · 16/06/2017 11:31

You can always see someone's true intentions by judging their reaction after you've politely turned them down.
MIL wailing and complaining about OP being ungrateful last night wouldn't suggest to me (and of course I don't know MIL and this is just subjective opinion from the info on this thread) that her intentions were kind or that she was being anything apart from a bit selfish in doing all of this.

sproutish · 16/06/2017 11:33

Could also be a bed blocking thing too - I can't see why you'd kick up such a fuss about something you've brought on yourself by "surprising" DIL. Not trusting DIL fits with that...

steppemum · 16/06/2017 11:33

I think you should go round and see her at the B&B.

You have made your point, and made her leave, but now I would want to speak to her.

Simply put - do you understand why appear uninvited is rude?
Do you realise that getting the key and letting yourself in was a massive invasion of privacy?
Do you understand why I am cross at you coming to stay for several days when dh is away, when I have my own life/friendships etc?

And finally do please mention sex. Dh has been away all week,a nd we have missed each other and you know married people like to celebrate by having sex???

For future - you are very welcome to visit as long as it is ARRANGED.

Nikephorus · 16/06/2017 11:35

DP wants her to come to us tonight so I have told him he needs to come home a night early from his course if that is what he wants.
Grin Well done OP!

FizzyGreenWater · 16/06/2017 11:38

My god.

Your last post really, REALLY explains exactly why you were 100% right in your approach last night, not that I thought any differently!

Good on you. Yes, be out this evening. Actually be out even if your DH comes home (because it sounds like it wouldn't be a bad idea to get the point across to him a little more strongly while you're at it).

You're doing EXACTLY what you should be doing for the sake of family harmony long term.

You are setting out your boundaries in order to ensure that you don't have a situation develop where MIL is humoured for acting unreasonably right up to the point you end up screaming at her and/or hating her guts.

You're taking a perfectly balanced view - yes to lots of time to get to talk to her son and maintain their mum-son relationship independently of you. Yes to alone time. Yes to visits. No to batshit manipulative behaviour which steamrollers over your privacy and marriage. That's RIGHT - and it will hopefully mean that MIL learns this, and therefore doesn't end up hated by her own DIL.

If more people responded as you did last night, there would be fewer posters ranting about how much they hate their MIL after years of nonsense. The answer is to firmly and politely stop the nonsense.

Hopefully MIL won't do this again. And that will be a good thing. And if your DH was vaguely complicit in this for an easy life... well, he certainly ain't going to be next time is he!

Good for you. Oh and drop the phone off before she uses it as the excuse to drop back in that it clearly was :) - reiterate that you're madly busy today so so sorry you won't be able to see her - and you're out tonight. Do call DH and see if he can come home early from his course and see you at the B&B this evening!

liminality · 16/06/2017 11:48

she isn't a relative. she is OP's DP's mum.

Damn there's some bitches on this thread. You married him, they are family, shame you see them as strangers.

You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. He's not only allowing his mother to invade your space and disrespect you but it seems that he may be trying to control you through her. I'd be very wary.

A surprise visit gone wrong does not an abusive relationship make. Give the woman a break and have dinner with her.

Some of us like our family and extended family... even the ones that are handfuls.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 16/06/2017 11:53

Considering OP calls him DP, no they aren't married and this woman isn't OPs family, she is her partner's mum.

"She had some idea they would have a twin bed room and me a single." Fucking hell, she sounds unhinged! What normal adult thinks that is what will happen on a holiday with their adult child and partner?!

Your DP sounds a bit like he enables this crap if he wants her at yours tonight. Stick to your guns OP. She sounds like a right pain.

My MIL has done the whole crying thing if someone has said something she didn't like (and it really wasn't anything bad). I have no time for that manipulative bullshit.

OliveSoap · 16/06/2017 11:54

You married him, they are family, shame you see them as strangers.

It's never occurred to me to consider DH's family as mine. I married him, not his clan. I quite like them, in fact, and we live in different countries so no chance of unexpected visits, but they are DH's family, not mine - nothing bitchy about that. Not 'strangers', obviously, though.

SapphireStrange · 16/06/2017 12:00

liminality, on holiday this individual was 'affronted' that her son was to share a bed with his wife, not a room with her.

Your definition of a 'handful' is pretty different from mine, it would seem.

Love, A Bitch On This Thread.

ShesNoNormanPace · 16/06/2017 12:03

So your DP is spending tonight in a hotel room?

And your MIL is also looking for somewhere to stay that isn't your house.

And she likes sharing hotel rooms with your DP... and she has a rail pass...

I think it's only fair you tell her where your DP is staying. She can be in his hotel room when he gets back from work SURPRISE Grin

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