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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
TonySopranosVest · 15/06/2017 23:37

Bollocks

quizqueen · 16/06/2017 00:07

Hide your key in the garage from now on.

CatsAndCandles · 16/06/2017 00:08

SwimmingInLemonade

It's so refreshing to read a thread about someone attempting to be manipulative where the OP actually does the right thing and puts the boundaries firmly back in place. So often people just say "Ooh, anything for a quiet life" and give in.

Completely agree.

OP, I think you've done the right thing. Hopefully, you might now have a chance of developing a mutually respectful relationship.

melj1213 · 16/06/2017 00:15

TBH if I got home from work and there was someone in my house then I wouldn't be going in, I'd be phoning the police to say I had intruders! I live in a terraced house with a huge window looking from the street into my lounge so I can see, even from halfway down the street, whether the curtains/blinds have been adjusted, there are lights/TV etc on or people inside the house. My first instinct on noticing something was different/there was someone in my house would be that they were burglars because it wouldn't even enter my head that a random family member had shown up and let themselves in for an overnight trip!

If the police turned up and it turned out to be my MIL unlikely considering I'm divorced and single atm then we would be having serious words about boundaries. It's one thing to call about visiting, or even just turn up unnanounced and knock on the door one evening, but it's an entirely different level to get a spare key from a neighbour, let themselves in, unpack and assume they can just stay!

As soon as I'd walked in and seen the MIL I'd have asked them to leave - it is my house and they have no right to be there without an invitation.

My parents are my landlords and they hold a key to my house ... they'd still never turn up and let themselves in without my permission. I also still have a key for my parents' house, I don't just assume I can turn up and crash in their spare room for the sake of it. I felt weird yesterday when I went up to my parents house to drop off a birthday present for my mum, and a Father's Day gift for my dad, (they're going away on Saturday so I won't see him on the day) and they'd gone out ...I had to be at work in an hour and knew I'd not be able to get back to see them again before they go away because of my work schedule, so I let myself in and left their presents on the table in their dining room. But I also text them to let them know what I'd done so that they didn't get home and just see two random boxes on their dining table and wonder who the hell had been in their house and how they got in.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/06/2017 00:29

Well, in and around the not particularly large town I live in there are no fewer than 51 hotels, according to Google. It's not that hard to rustle up accommodation at short notice, depending on where you live.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 16/06/2017 00:59

"unfriendly and unwelcoming"

Objecting to someone's turning up completely unannounced and letting themselves into your house expecting to stay for several days is not being unfriendly or unwelcoming. Not even remotely.

In fact, responding with "Oh dear, what a shame I already had plans, let me book you into some alternative local accommodation" is being friendly and welcoming above the call of duty.

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/06/2017 05:54

Hope your head isn't too fragile this morning! Are you at work today?

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 06:03

Hope you got the key back from your Mil.And I'd be locking the doors from the inside.Dont want anymore nasty surprises.

NilesCrane · 16/06/2017 06:08

Straight to the point there TonySopranosVest Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2017 06:20

Just read the thread. My mil died before Dh and I married. I don't think she'd have done something like this, who know. It is understandable that she cried because it's embarrassing to turn up and not be "wanted". I think that's a totally human reaction. But to blame you? That's not acceptable and is rather immature. Is she going home today?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/06/2017 08:21

Hope you had a really enjoyable night with your friend Amber. Any word from MiL yet?? Has she come to her senses in understanding that you just don't do something like that???
The fact that your DH told her that the NDN had a key for emergencies, I'd be asking her what sort of 'emergency' she thought this was?
When is your DH home again? Will he be having a word with her too?
Sorry for all the questions but I think this is very strange behaviour altogether and would be asking her if she felt lonely or if something else was medically wrong as it's so out of character for her to do something like this, you're genuinely concerned. Fake it if needs be but make sure that she is left in no doubt that this cannot and will not be happening again.

JassyRadlett · 16/06/2017 08:43

I feel so sad for Mil right now, regardless of the fact she really shouldn't have turned up out of the blue. I hope she's ok in her B and B.
It wouldn't have hurt to rearrange the night in with the friend, or even just gone ahead with it and included MIL. You may have been within your 'rights' to pack MIL off to the B and B, but it was a very very unkind thing to do. I hope you feel proud of yourself.

What a patronising, infantilising attitude to a woman in her 60s. She is neither a smal child nor a very vulnerable elderly person and, based on OP's posts, there are no concerns for her physics or mental capacity.
Why on earth wouldn't she be ok in a B and B?

It was kind of OP to treat her politely, book her a B and B, and take her there.

It was unkind of the MIL to show up unannounced, let herself in with a key not entrusted to her, phone OP's DH when told the visit wasn't convenient or possible

JassyRadlett · 16/06/2017 08:47

Argh, typos. Physical or mental capacity. And the last sentence should read '...throw a tantrum and wail about how 'ungrateful' OP is not to be falling over herself with gratitude at the chance to wait on an unexpected guest for several days after a day at work.

I am generally quite in favour of house guests and enjoy their stays, if they arrive at mutually agreed and mutually convenient times. I do not think anyone showing up for several days' stay without telling them is a 'lovely surprise'- and I suspect OP's MIL doesn't, either.

Original poster
AmberStClare · 16/06/2017 09:33

Morning, yes had a pleasant time last night with friend, slightly marred by earlier events. I try to be kind to MIL but this was one step too far for me. Hadn't heard from her when got up so was a bit concerned until I found her mobile phone 'left behind' on the bedside table. Have rung B&B and she is having a leisurely full English breakfast at present.

Like I said up thread am working from home today so will drive over in a bit and see what is happening. DP wants her to come to us tonight so I have told him he needs to come home a night early from his course if that is what he wants.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 16/06/2017 09:34

Biker - I too am puzzled about the 'loneliness' thing. OK, I might lean on my children to assuage my loneliness if I were housebound, ill or 90, but when fit and active I don't consider it my children's 'duty' to stop me being lonely, make me 'happy' (or 'give me grandchildren' if it comes to that). I am responsible for myself and I'm a bit worried that my children would ever think this was not the case.

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/06/2017 09:36

So she strategically left her phone behind! What a manipulative person she is! Well done for standing firm

MaidenMotherCrone · 16/06/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bananasplitbothways · 16/06/2017 09:48

DP wants her to come to us tonight so I have told him he needs to come home a night early from his course if that is what he wants.

So MIL gets her way after all? Confused

IIWM I would be posting the phone in a jiffy bag though the B&B door.

StatelessPrincess · 16/06/2017 09:50

I dont understand the posters who feel sorry for the MIL, she is really manipulative. Before I went nc my MIL used to do this too, no key from anyone though, she would just sit on the doorstep if I was out, it was nearly always when DH was working away too, I'm sure she was checking up on me. Well done for sticking to your guns OP.

TestTubeTeen · 16/06/2017 09:52

Why did you have to get the key back from the neighbour? Did your MIL unlock the door and leave it unlocked while she went back to return the key?

bananasplitbothways · 16/06/2017 09:53

I suppose the NDN will have let her in. Madness.

AvoidingCallenetics · 16/06/2017 10:46

Drop the phone off at b&b reception. I hope you do insist that dp comes home early if he wants mil to stay tonight.
Don't take any criticism later - remind the both of them that just turning up is not on and that you expect to be asked in future!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/06/2017 10:50

I'd drop the phone back to the B&B and say "MiL, you left this behind when you left yesterday. I didn't want you to forget it again so here you go."
If she asks to stay tonight, say "I'm sorry MiL, but X is due home and we have a lot of sex planned. Lots of it. I'm sure you understand that it just wouldn't feel right if you were in the next room while I'm seeing to your son, now would it?". I know you probably wouldn't say that but I guess you'd love to Smile

picklemepopcorn · 16/06/2017 10:54

Can you go out somewhere? I know you are working today, but maybe this evening you could be out too. I think I'd go out and leave her to it even if I had to sit in a pub on my own all night. I'd be so cross I'd struggle to be polite.

ohyesiknowwhatyoumean · 16/06/2017 10:59

Some people really need boundaries imposing on them, whether or not they are MILs, I'll bet she crosses them with friends too - if she has any left - friends are easier to discard than family.

I've been divorced almost 7yrs. Live in the same town as exMIL, she always had a spare key for emergencies and we were ok with her letting herself in when we were here or not (same as our dc came and went with keys) when her ds ran off with his floozy left she offered me the key back, I told her to keep it. I probably see more of her now than I did when I was married to her son, she lets herself in when she arrives (pops in on her way somewhere etc) and I'm more than happy with that situation because I consider her family and a friend.

I would not be happy if the neighbour over the road did that with the spare key they have. The boundaries are different for different relationships. Well done OP for establishing yours with THIS MIL. Smile