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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Surprise, surprise

786 replies

AmberStClare · 15/06/2017 17:51

DP is away from home on a course and have been enjoying this week on my own, slobbing out in the evening after work, eating supper in front of the TV and generally having a nice time.

Just got home from work and opened the front door, walked into the sitting room to find my MIL sitting on the sofa. Cries 'surprise surprise, got the key from your NDN, let myself in and have come to stay for a few days to keep you company whilst DP is away.'

Just rung DP and he is equally annoyed as is expected back Saturday and we were looking forward to the weekend catching up on each other's news and bit of frottage. All out of the window as MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, in fact just said if I was putting the kettle on she would love a cup of tea, 'And a biscuit dear if there are any going.'

Who do I kill first, NDN for giving out the key without checking with me first (She has never met MIL before as we moved here recently) or MIL for presuming she can do this.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/06/2017 22:05

But (assuming the OP isn't making this up!), the OP did have plans for her evening. She lied that the friend coming over was going to stay the night, but wasnt lying that she had plans.

It was lucky for the MIL that the OP's plans involved her friend coming to her, rather than going out straight after work and only staggering in drunkenly at midnight.

I wouldn't presume someone would be in when I turned up unannouced. If you pop over without warning to someone's house, you run the risk they might not be in. You run the risk they already have plans so can't spend time with you - it's odd to presume that if someone does have plans, they'll always want to drop them for you...

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 22:09

Still convinced there's a middle ground.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 15/06/2017 22:10

Hear, hear Koala. Introverted decency.

BerylStreep · 15/06/2017 22:13

I think DP had suggested it to his Mum, or at the very least she had discussed the possibility with him and he has said 'yeah, I'm sure Amber would like that'.

There is no there reasonable explanation.

You're lucky you were able to find a B&B with availability at such short notice.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 15/06/2017 22:15

But, being an adult, I can suck it up and behave decently towards the mother of my partner/husband for a night.

Rod and back spring to mind? But then I've never relished the prospect of going through life being a doormat.

CalmShambala · 15/06/2017 22:23

I am in awe of you OP. You clearly don't give her an inch.

beepbeepimasheep · 15/06/2017 22:29

tell her that it would have been great if only she had phoned you first but you have a male friend arriving to stay tomorrow so that you an DH can have a menage a trois when he gets home and so it might be better that she goes home.

AvoidingCallenetics · 15/06/2017 22:30

People who 'suck it up' end up feeling put upon and taken advantage of. All it does is reinforce to life's pisstakers that doing what you want, irrespective of how that affects other people, is okay.

bumblebee61 · 15/06/2017 22:31

This is awful behaviour but I wonder if your MIL is very lonely? It sounds like she may be desperate for company. Just a thought. Not that i think you should give in either, she needs to know there are boundaries, but I also wonder what is going on for her that she invades your space like this.

MsPavlichenko · 15/06/2017 22:37

I was very close to my late DM and late DMIL (even after I left her DS). Spoke most days, went on nights out, holidays sometimes.

They would not have dreamed of this, nor I doing it to them. It is bizarre. I am very close to my family, and ex and current In laws. We love each other, would do anything to help out etc. That's because we respect each other and ourselves, and don't take the piss.

Freyanna · 15/06/2017 22:39

I asked my DP what he thought, he thought it was a bit unexpected but I should welcome MIL.

However, I would not like it, especially as housekeeping standards slip a bit when DP is away!

ladymariner · 15/06/2017 22:44

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BigApple11 · 15/06/2017 22:50

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NavyandWhite · 15/06/2017 22:52

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Willow2017 · 15/06/2017 22:55

Well done OP.

So many threads on here from women who are dominated for years by their batshit pil who think their sons are still in nappies and they can do what they like in other peoples houses.

Nobody just rocks up and lets themselves into someone elses house and announces that they are staying for a few days, its bloody ridiculous.

Let her tantrum in the b&b and send DH round to tell her the facts of life when he comes home. Her freedom with her rail pass doesnt extend to inviting herself for a holiday at anyones house without even asking them first!

And I would be having words with NDN your mil could have been anyone! You could have come home to an empty house!

RudeDog · 15/06/2017 22:58

Been thinking and literally can not think of one person I would like to turn up unannounced.....and then be expected to host!

PIL nearly did this to us once (they didn't see why they needed to prewarn us - we should just be ready).

Luckily they had mentioned in passing to BIL they were setting off to ours - who pointed out we were away.
It's a 5 hour drive!
We were still in the wrong somehow though...

innagazing · 15/06/2017 23:01

I feel so sad for Mil right now, regardless of the fact she really shouldn't have turned up out of the blue. I hope she's ok in her B and B.
It wouldn't have hurt to rearrange the night in with the friend, or even just gone ahead with it and included MIL.
You may have been within your 'rights' to pack MIL off to the B and B, but it was a very very unkind thing to do. I hope you feel proud of yourself.
I'm not a Mil btw.

HildaOg · 15/06/2017 23:02

It's hardly incredible speed to get her out of the house and into a local bnb over three hours. I could do that in 20 mins because there's a dozen hotels and bnbs within five minutes of me. I don't know whether the people marveling over the 'speed' live miles from anywhere and don't understand that most of us live within the moving world or whether they just don't realise that the norm is to move. Quickly.

Lynnm63 · 15/06/2017 23:04

I'm amazed at all of you defending the mil. You don't rock up anywhere expecting to stay. Id be livid with NDN handing over the key and dh for telling mil NDN had a key. I hope you're not paying for the B&B.

GreenTulips · 15/06/2017 23:09

I asked my DP what he thought, he thought it was a bit unexpected but I should welcome MIL.

Would he host your DM while you were away?

Biker47 · 15/06/2017 23:13

Is lonely the new top trump card or something? As the people insinuating she may be lonely are almost validating her behaviour as reasonable because of that, which is bullshit.

Being lonely doesn't give you carte blanche to barge into other peoples lives and business as and when you choose, basic manners don't just get put on hold because you're a bit lonely.

If it had happened to me, the air would have been blue, and I certainly wouldn't have been driving her to a B&B, I wouldn't have even lied about a friend staying over either I would have just told them how it is, and I'm usually rather care free and unconfrontational.

AnathemaPulsifer · 15/06/2017 23:18

What's she planning to do with her day tomorrow? Because based on the fact she'd consider it reasonable to take a 2hr train ride without so much as phoning to invite herself, I would guess she's planning to make herself at home in your home. Unless you've managed to make it clear that she needs to go home?

murmuration · 15/06/2017 23:21

I think that's where the difference of opinion is here, as I don't think the OP has acted indecently. She explained that she already had plans and arranged somewhere for the MIL to stay instead.

This. All the anger, shouting, tears, and drama came from MIL.

If I, for some incredibly bizzare reason, found myself dropping in unexpectedly on a friend or family member, if they told me that they couldn't host me at the moment because of X but they went ahead and booked a B&B for me to stay at - I'd be grateful!

Actually, while MIL probably is fine and just manipulative - perhaps the concern that some posters above have suggested is a good approach. If something is wrong, then you get her the help she needs. If she's just toxic, approaching her behaviour with kindness and concern and "it was just so inappropriate it made us worry about you" both sends the message that you don't approve of the behaviour, but not in a way that she can take as an attack.

AmysTiara · 15/06/2017 23:34

Oh god I hate people turning up unannounced. I am an introvert though.

I suspect that there aren't many MILS who surprise their son in laws with a unexpected stay if their daughter is away for the week.

Good on the op for sticking to her guns. I would have let her stay tonight but sat seething all night Grin

NerdyBird · 15/06/2017 23:35

The most disturbing aspect of this for me is that the NDN merrily handed over the key to someone who is likely a complete stranger to them. Feeling quite glad we haven't given our neighbours a key!

I think this is quite odd behaviour of the MiL but I think the DH has been more complicit than he's letting on. The OP should absolutely not have to host her MiL because she's presented herself unannounced when OP has other plans. If OP was doing nothing then maybe she might have let her stay a night.

Neither my MiL nor my mum would dream of doing this even if they were lonely.

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