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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my ex that I'm moving 100 miles away

110 replies

Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 19:54

Ive planned to move back to my hometown. My I'm desperate to move back. There's nothing keeping me here anymore.

My ex will be devastated but he is no help to me. He took a job with changing hours, is a nightmare to get maintenance out of and bad mouths me to his family. In some ways he's a good dad and my toddler loves him but I feel completely alone as a parent.

I need to move back to be near my family. I'm miserable here with only his awful family nearby.

They are controlling and can be quite threatening. They will try and stop me moving near my family.

My son is too young for school and I have a new job to go to. My ex sees our son every other weekend although he never arranges this and it's never consistent.

Would it be really wrong of me to move first and then meet up with my ex and tell him I've moved?

He could easily move nearer if he wanted. He won't bother though.

I know he can go to court but I'd be surprised if he won. I'm going to obviously let him see our son whenever he wants. But I need to move back to be nearer family.

I'd not have moved if I had support here.

AIBU to move and tell him after? Does he need to know my new address? He's quite threatening and I'm worried he could turn up at my house or my parents house.

He's not violent but can be verbally nasty at times.

OP posts:
Offherhead · 13/06/2017 20:01

YABU not to provide him with an address or warning that his child is moving. You don't need his permission but you will be activelyy making your child less likely to see his father. I longed to do this to my ex but by i thought better of it.

Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 20:02

I have mtnal health problems and really do feel I need the support of my family.

I'm currently very lonely and struggling so need my family to help me with looking after my Son.

I would rather live near him but I need to move away.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 13/06/2017 20:02

Tell him afterwards if you're that sure he won't let you go. It sounds like he hasn't stood up to help you parent, so it's understandable to want to be around the people who can.

Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 20:18

That's my plan. I don't want him making it difficult for me.

OP posts:
worridmum · 13/06/2017 20:19

You can go just be aware you might be expected to pay the majority of travel expenses in maintaining access

Northernparent68 · 13/06/2017 20:50

I'm sorry but I do not think this is fair on your son, your ex may not be perfect but you chose him as a father, and he is the only father your son has.

In your place I'd tell your ex you need more help and ask him to see your son more to give you a break

Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 20:54

A lot of mums do it.

I think it's in my sons best interest. I hope so anyway.

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 13/06/2017 21:00

You are free to move wherever you want, I hope it helps you with your MH to be closer to your family
but you should expect and make plans for when your ex inevitably goes to court and you are ordered to be physically and financially responsible for getting your son to his father fortnightly for his contact weekends.

Kokusai · 13/06/2017 21:03

I would think that a happier Mum who the child spends 90% of their time with plus the support of the mums family is more valuable than seeing some dead beat looser every other weekend down to every month or something.

LedaP · 13/06/2017 21:05

Have you posted about this before?

There was a similar thread, wheree it became apparant that the Ops parents would be very little help.

Apologies if its not you

spaghettiforhair · 13/06/2017 21:14

YABU to not at least tell him.

honeyroar · 13/06/2017 21:23

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Would you be upset if your ex took your son 100 miles away with no discussion or warning? I think it's selfish. Yes many women do it, it doesn't make it right or nice.

By all means get your plan sorted, work it all out (including a fair way of enabling your ex to keep regular contact with your son) and then tell your ex calmly. He can't stop you anyway, so no need for the secret. Have people around you for strength if you need them.

You are going to have to have contact with this man for decades - throughout college, weddings, grandchildren, all sorts of things. It's daft to make it a battle if you don't have to.

indigox · 13/06/2017 21:24

My ex-h moved 100+ miles away and still hasn't told me (found out through a mutual friend who has him on Facebook). Hmm (Though slightly different situation as DS lives with me)

Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 21:33

I'd b devastated if my ex did that to me.

I'd hate my son to grow up without his mum near him.

I hope this is in his best interests.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 13/06/2017 21:38

"A lot of mums do it. ""

You can see their children, daily on Jeremy Kyle.

Have you asked your ex for more contact? Or Support?

By moving you're also subjecting your DS to have to stay overnight/weekends with his Dad, are you prepared for that?

Likewise alternative Christmas etc.

If you could make the separation work, then fair enough.

It's how long your ex takes to get over the deceit and calms down.

You've got a responsibility for your DS's MH as well as your own. This is going to have a big impact on him.

Don't think that once you've moved, life is going to be rosy, especially as your DS gets older.

RandomMess · 13/06/2017 21:41

Your ex can apply to court for a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving so far away!

I would move and I would do the honourable thing and assist with the travel for the contact time etc. and hope he doesn't kick off and go to court over it.

Birdsgottaf1y · 13/06/2017 21:44

Also, have his family had contact?

C0untDucku1a · 13/06/2017 21:46

Of youre having to force contact now he will probably lose intetest having to put in so much effort. Be prepared for that

Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 21:47

His family see him a lot.

He has my son roughly one night a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 21:47

It's a 2 hour drive away but he could move

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 13/06/2017 21:53

Then would you be prepared for him or his family to have your DS for extra nights?

wannabestressfree · 13/06/2017 21:56

You have made up your mind so why ask?
I think it's cruel sorry and if the shoe was on the other foot people would be going mad. It's ok because it's a bloke though...
Go through the cms and set up collected maintenance.
You say contact is regular then it's not.
And what about his grandparents?
Why should he move?
I think it's wrong and I have three boys and am a single parent.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 21:56

YANBU, move and tell your ex once you have moved and how things will work re contact.

Your son needs and depends on you, your ex has not supported or helped you and is 'quite threatening' and ' verbally nasty at times'

Northernparent "I do not think this is fair on your son" The son relies on his mum, not his dad, if his mum needs help and support it will benefit her son if she gets it and it will be to the son's detriment if he does not get it.

"Your ex may not be perfect but you chose him as a father" That's a big assumption to make, that the OP chose to have a baby with him, it may not have been a choice and even if it was we do not know that the ex was behaving as he is now when the OP chose to have a baby with him! Don;t blame the OP because the man she had a baby with is unsupportiveand and 'quite threatening' and ' verbally nasty at times'

" ...he is the only father your son has. " And the OP is the only mother he has, and currently the mother is looking after her child over 80% of the time!

"In your place I'd tell your ex you need more help and ask him to see your son more to give you a break" You;ve no idea if the dad is a good influence over his son or helpful or supportive, in fact we know he is not supportive, so it is a big stretch to assume the dad seeing his son more often will be much help to the OP. If the dad had wanted to see his son more, maybe he could have asked to do that.

Is the one weekend a month his choice or yours, OP? Just based on the fact that he "He took a job with changing hours, is a nightmare to get maintenance out of and bad mouths me to his family." He doesn't sound like he would be super supportive even if asked!

Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 21:57

They've offered to have him full time but give big up being the resident parent isn't something I want to do. I'd lose all control over my son

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 21:57

*giving up

OP posts: