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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my ex that I'm moving 100 miles away

110 replies

Hopelessat30 · 13/06/2017 19:54

Ive planned to move back to my hometown. My I'm desperate to move back. There's nothing keeping me here anymore.

My ex will be devastated but he is no help to me. He took a job with changing hours, is a nightmare to get maintenance out of and bad mouths me to his family. In some ways he's a good dad and my toddler loves him but I feel completely alone as a parent.

I need to move back to be near my family. I'm miserable here with only his awful family nearby.

They are controlling and can be quite threatening. They will try and stop me moving near my family.

My son is too young for school and I have a new job to go to. My ex sees our son every other weekend although he never arranges this and it's never consistent.

Would it be really wrong of me to move first and then meet up with my ex and tell him I've moved?

He could easily move nearer if he wanted. He won't bother though.

I know he can go to court but I'd be surprised if he won. I'm going to obviously let him see our son whenever he wants. But I need to move back to be nearer family.

I'd not have moved if I had support here.

AIBU to move and tell him after? Does he need to know my new address? He's quite threatening and I'm worried he could turn up at my house or my parents house.

He's not violent but can be verbally nasty at times.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 21:58

Sorry one weekend a fortnight not one weekend a month.

Evilstepmum01 · 13/06/2017 22:01

Go, but make it clear to your ex you are absolutely not stopping contact in any way.
My sister moved nearly 600 miles away with her son to live with a guy she met online, leaving my poor brother in law with very irregular access.
He has MS, so his folks drive him there and back twice a year to pick my nephew up. She doesnt even meet him halfway.
He had no say in her moving so far away and no legal recourse.
Go if you need the support, a happy mum means a happy boy!

Evilstepmum01 · 13/06/2017 22:05

Yikes, dont give up custody of your son! Go home, be happy, ask your family for help. Your ex probably wont be happy but you're not stopping him seeing his son.

Good luck!

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 22:13

OP "In some ways he's a good dad and my toddler loves him but I feel completely alone as a parent." The things you have said about him don;t make him sound like a good dad.

You said "'I'm miserable here with only his awful family nearby." and "They are controlling and can be quite threatening." So he has not protected you, his child's mum, from the influences of his family. It might even be that his threatening and verbally nasty behaviour and his lack of support against his threatening family is what drove you two apart in the first place. I don't know.

In your shoes I would see if I can speak to a solicitor, some do an introductory hour or so for free, to see what you would need to do and how to comply with things so it is fair.

What is most definitely not fair is the fact that you had a baby with this man and now feel your mental health is at risk because of threatening behaviour and lack of support from this man and his family.

Honey "He can't stop you anyway, so no need for the secret." Yeah that's true threatening and verbally abusive men never stop women doing anything do they!

Birds "You've got a responsibility for your DS's MH as well as your own. This is going to have a big impact on him." It may do, it may not, and it may also have a positive impact on him too.

"It's a 2 hour drive away." There are people who commute that to work. 2 hours is really not a big deal!

Hopelessat "They've offered to have him full time but give big up being the resident parent isn't something I want to do. I'd lose all control over my son" Are you saying the threatening grandparents have offered to have your son all the time? No wonder you want to move away, what grandparents do that!

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/06/2017 22:17

Evilstepmum01

but you're not stopping him seeing his son.

She may technically "not be stopping him" but she is making it very hard for him to have a relationship with him.

I also don't get that he sees him EOW but has him roughly overnight once per week.

RortyCrankle · 13/06/2017 22:17

If you would be devastated if the roles were reversed and your ex moved 100 miles away with your son, won't your ex feel the same?

You have to take into consideration your son wanting regular contact with his father. Are you prepared to facilitate that?

To be honest it sounds like it's for your benefit, not your son's.

needsahalo · 13/06/2017 22:17

Go. Best thing I ever did. Secure roof over our heads, family support so I've been able to work full time. Ex pulled our home out from under us, we ended up repossessed, couldn't get another mortgage. I got a substantial settlement and spent it on a house several hundred miles away near family. I didn't want to move but couldn't make it work otherwise, Our lives are far better than they could have been with a crippling mortgage and a game player ex with no consistency. Children are settled, see dad regularly. It can work.

ShakingAndShocked · 13/06/2017 22:18

Yes to moving; no to telling him in advance based on all you've said.

Are you yourself clear on precisely what support it is that you will then be getting from hometown? Do you have supportive parents there? Siblings? Real real friends? It's good to be realistic about things IME.

redshoeblueshoe · 13/06/2017 22:19

I think you should ask HQ to move this out of AIBU, people are harsh on here and you sound very vulnerable.

MyOtherProfile · 13/06/2017 22:21

Do it. You need support and 100 miles isn't far. Your ex can meet you half way every other weekend or something.

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 22:22

OP it's only 2 hours journey, you'll totally be able to maintain your son's relationship with his dad, if his dad can prioritize that enough to make plans.

Maybe you can maintain some friendships in the area and bring him back to see dad and see friends etc.

Good luck in your new life.

timeisnotaline · 13/06/2017 22:23

Moving for the ops benefit will benefit the son if the op is coping better. Ex doesn't sound supportive at all - document his lack of effort and any other incidents, if you are afraid of him being obstructive move and write him a nice email afterwards- I had to be closer to
My family, your family can be threatening and I have very little support ( I don't count your parents suggestions they take my son off my hands as support!) it's only two hours, I can work with you to see him regularly , plenty of people commute two hours daily. Do it. And to pp's 'oh it's ok because it's a bloke' NO, it's ok because it's a threatening obstructive bloke who hasn't proactively sought contact and to support his son, had in fact restructured his life to NOT support his son i.e. The random working hours. The op is being less obstructive re contact than him and caring for her son.

5OBalesofHay · 13/06/2017 22:29

As long as you are going to do the travel for contact you may be ok but you need yo discuss with the other parent unless there are very good reasons not t. Which given you agree overnight contact seems unlikely

Italiangreyhound · 13/06/2017 22:29

Evilstepmum01 I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. Sometimes it seems that both mums and dads can really get the shitty end of the stick in marriage or relationship breakups. If the parents are a good and kind and lovely influence over their kids and have a good relationship I am not sure why the other parent makes things so hard. It is very unfair on the child/ren too.

I do think the *OP8's situation sounds quite different.

Rorty "To be honest it sounds like it's for your benefit, not your son's." Sometimes women do need to do things that are for their benefit.

The reason women usually get care of kids after separation or divorce is because women usually care for kids when in a relationship. This dad is "a nightmare to get maintenance out of and bad mouths me to his family." That doesn't sound like he is doing all he can to build this relationship (with his son) while they are close by. So the OP should not put her life on hold to accommodate him, IMHO.

Alittlepotofrosie · 13/06/2017 22:30

Hopefully he will find out what youre planning and get a prohibited steps order to stop you. You don't seem clear on how often he has his son. Is it once a fortnight or once a week?

Also, 100 miles isn't far? So how many of the posters here would be happy with their child living 100 miles away for most of the time?

The dad wanted full residency suggesting he isn't necessarily a deadbeat and op has made no comment on what sort of a father he is to the child. Just because he's not pleasant to the op (hardly surprising considering they've broken up) doesnt mean he's a shit dad like some people have implied.

lastrose123 · 13/06/2017 22:31

YANBU I agree with timeisnotaline

QuiteLikely5 · 13/06/2017 22:32

You sound utterly miserable so I think you should go.

It is very isolating raising a child away from all that you know with very little support.

Morally of course it's not ideal but it's time to think about yourself

Mrsmadevans · 13/06/2017 22:33

You should go OP , to be honest he doesn't sound half as bad as his family , Good Luck , be happy.

StephanieAteMyLunch · 13/06/2017 22:38

I don't think the Dad is wanting full custody, more like his family is.

I say move, if he wanted to be more involved in his child's life he would be. He would arrange to see him no matter what his working week was. He seems like he likes being a part time parent.

He has the option to move closer to his son, but I have a feeling he won't.

Having support is huge. I didn't have any family support for years due to geography. We moved closer to our parents and saw that benefit. Sadly my Mum is now dead. So move to be with supportive people before your son starts school.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/06/2017 22:42

Having a relationship with his df is important.
Having a dm with family support and good mh is more so imo. .
Df may step up and start putting more effort in now. .

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/06/2017 22:46

What you and your ex are, or are not, prepared or likely to do (if you moved 100 miles away) is irrelevant at this stage.

You would absolutely in the wrong to move your son a hundred miles away (or to move address at all) without telling his father in advance.

Can you even imagine how that would feel? Knowing that your son was safely with his dad at his dad's house ... going round to collect your son ... and they'd gone! Your son's father had simply moved, lock stock and barrel! Can you imagine what that would do to you?

babybels · 13/06/2017 22:47

I think the OP has had some unpleasant responses on here. She sounds lonely, miserable and unwell and some people have completely failed to take this into consideration when replying.
As she is the main carer and the most reliable person in her child's life then her wellbeing is absolutely crucial as her wellbeing significantly impacts on her child. Being around supportive family and friends is very important when you are a single parent especially if she is also having to cope with health issues.
I think it is possible for the OP to retain and facilitate contact with her son's father through daily Skype or Facetime and visits or overnights if appropriate. As some people have mentioned she may have to do most of the travelling.
Some people on this thread and unbelievably inconsiderate.
Good luck to you OP.

MuncheysMummy · 13/06/2017 22:51

I can't believe how many people are saying that you should live your life for potentially the next 16 years in a town far from your family where you don't feel comfortable or 'at home' or any connection to just because your ex partner would prefer you to! You need support and to feel happy in order to be a good parent do it move ASAP don't tell him until you have moved or he will make life difficult for you

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/06/2017 22:52

Go.

Just go.

Threatening behaviour from him and his family means all bets are off in terms of what is reasonable. Its not sodding reasonable to threaten and verbally abuse the mother of your child/granchild, the OP moving away to protect herself and her child from that shit and to get support from her own family in the most reasonble thing in this whole situation.

BadHatter · 13/06/2017 22:54

I think it's fine as long as you're the one physically taking your son to and from his dads.

The father shouldn't be penalized for your decision. You will need to take responsibility. Will you?

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