To not tell my ex that I'm moving 100 miles away

[Hopelessat30]

Ive planned to move back to my hometown. My I'm desperate to move back. There's nothing keeping me here anymore.

My ex will be devastated but he is no help to me. He took a job with changing hours, is a nightmare to get maintenance out of and bad mouths me to his family. In some ways he's a good dad and my toddler loves him but I feel completely alone as a parent.

I need to move back to be near my family. I'm miserable here with only his awful family nearby.

They are controlling and can be quite threatening. They will try and stop me moving near my family.

My son is too young for school and I have a new job to go to. My ex sees our son every other weekend although he never arranges this and it's never consistent.

Would it be really wrong of me to move first and then meet up with my ex and tell him I've moved?

He could easily move nearer if he wanted. He won't bother though.

I know he can go to court but I'd be surprised if he won. I'm going to obviously let him see our son whenever he wants. But I need to move back to be nearer family.

I'd not have moved if I had support here.

AIBU to move and tell him after? Does he need to know my new address? He's quite threatening and I'm worried he could turn up at my house or my parents house.

He's not violent but can be verbally nasty at times.

Italian, I'm sorry to burst your creative bubble but in most cases the simplest explanation is the right one. "Quite a threatening man who can be verbally nasty at times"? You and I have no idea whether he is or not. The OP talks about losing control of her son and cutting a child off from his father and half his extended family in a cold, calculating way. Oh but that's not threatening or abusive oh no.... She's a woman therefore she must be a victim and a man must have coerced her into it all.

OP can you drive? Do you have a car?

I want you to go but you need to be able to help with contact.

Trollspoopglitter just because you are paranoid or doesn't mean they'e not out to get you!

Some men are controlling and mean, sometimes the simplest explanation is true.

Only the OP knows the full facts. A two hour move is not taking their little bit away from his dad!

Trollspoopglitter I am not saying the OP was forced to go to that area or live there. I am saying we cannot assume that living there, near her dh's family, away from her family, was her choice.

I think the people making up their own narrative of the ex being the controlling one must be carefully ignoring the bit where the op said she won't consider changing the residency because she will lose control of her son. Sounds controlling to me. If she's struggling that much maybe the boy would be better off with his dad and op can see him every other weekend from 100 miles away. Still sounding fair?

Alittlepotofrosie "...must be carefully ignoring the bit where the op said she won't consider changing the residency because she will lose control of her son."

What do you think the OP means when she says she does not want to lose conrol of her son?

Do you think she wants to conrol his every move? Or do you think she does not want his care handed over to a bunch of threatening people?

Guess what, I think no one on here wants to lose control of their kids, or the care of their kids. The child is about three, not thirty or 13! Of course the OP wants to be in control of who looks after him.

If my in laws had offered to take my child away and look after them all the time, I would be bloody scared and be avoiding them like the plague.

"...maybe the boy would be better off with his dad and op can see him every other weekend from 100 miles away. Still sounding fair?"

Of course not, his dad is a person he may hardly know, who sees him only occasionally now. Stop thinking about the adult male and start thinking about the child! Everything doesn't revolve around what men want!

The op isn't thinking about the need for the boy to have a relationship with his father, which he's entitled to have. she's thinking entirely of herself. Seeing his father once a week, i doubt the child "barely knows his dad".

Love the fact you're filling in all the many blanks with your own made up story to encourage the op. Wonder what your motive is?

"Love the fact you're filling in all the many blanks with your own made up story to encourage the op."

I am not encouraging the OP - I am supporting her, and I have said many times she should take legal advice.

" Wonder what your motive is?" What do you think it is! I hate seeing women controlled by nasty men, and I hate the though this little boy's life security might be jeposized if his mum stays where she has no support so that the boy can be near his dad, who seems to not be very good at making the maintenance payment or making arrangements to see his son.

Alittlepotofrosie I don't like your tone, it's mean, you are assuming the worst in what I am saying! I am going to bow out now because the OP has had plenty of advice to get legal help and do things in the right way.

Did you read earlier the poster who facilitated a relationship with kids and her abusive ex, her kids have now chosen not to be around him. That's the thing, women will tie themselves up in knots to be fair and in the long run the dad could be very disinterested in his child.

If a 100 mile trip, two hours, would be enough to disaude any dad from seeing his kid then I would say he is not very invested in his child.

I agree with you Italiangreyhound. OP I am sorry that some people have not been supportive towards you. Get some advice and if it is possible to talk to the D about your plans do so but if you believe he is not going to be thinking of DC best intrests then if it is possible move.

I do think that you have to think very carefully about why you want to move and whether it will really help you and your child. If it will help a lot, then move. It's important that you as the main carer of the child has reasonable support and your wellbeing will directly affect your childs wellbeing.

However I wouldn't just move and not tell them. Tell others that can help you first if you can, so that if things turn ugly you have a stable base to talk to. But be calm with your Ex.

But I'd say again, why are you moving? Because it is a big thing to do, square it in your own head. Talk to others you trust, but especially those who may question you and not just agree with you. Think it through. And then maybe try mediation to work out the best way to keep your child in touch with both parents fairly.