To not tell my ex that I'm moving 100 miles away

[Hopelessat30]

Ive planned to move back to my hometown. My I'm desperate to move back. There's nothing keeping me here anymore.

My ex will be devastated but he is no help to me. He took a job with changing hours, is a nightmare to get maintenance out of and bad mouths me to his family. In some ways he's a good dad and my toddler loves him but I feel completely alone as a parent.

I need to move back to be near my family. I'm miserable here with only his awful family nearby.

They are controlling and can be quite threatening. They will try and stop me moving near my family.

My son is too young for school and I have a new job to go to. My ex sees our son every other weekend although he never arranges this and it's never consistent.

Would it be really wrong of me to move first and then meet up with my ex and tell him I've moved?

He could easily move nearer if he wanted. He won't bother though.

I know he can go to court but I'd be surprised if he won. I'm going to obviously let him see our son whenever he wants. But I need to move back to be nearer family.

I'd not have moved if I had support here.

AIBU to move and tell him after? Does he need to know my new address? He's quite threatening and I'm worried he could turn up at my house or my parents house.

He's not violent but can be verbally nasty at times.

From what I have read, Dad show very little interest.
Only you know if this is true.

Assuming it is. I would move. Yes a child should have a relationship with his Dad. 2 hours is not an impossible commute and it is no a 50/50 shared care which would mean it wouldn't work.

This age is far easier to move than when they are at school.

I have to admit, I'd probably do it if I were you, but I could afford a legal battle and transport costs.

Are you able to afford a legal battle? Is his family likely to bankroll him in one? Are you prepared for him to cut off maintenance (if he pays any) or for his family to cut off any financial help (if they help out)?

Are you prepared to have your toddler away overnight? Are you prepared to either have to pay for transport or, if you drive, make that trip yourself both for drop off and pick up?

I think it is worth a visit to a solicitor before you move to find out the ramifications. Most solicitors are familiar with the family courts in their area and could probably give you an idea of what would happen if the father was to take legal action. There have been cases where a parent has had to face either moving back or losing residence of their child because they didn't follow the proper legal channels.

As far as the dad showing little interest, it does appear that his family shows a lot of interest. So even if the dad might just let things drift, that doesn't mean that his family (especially the grandparents) might not force him to take legal action.

Alittle Where does it say "The dad wanted full residency suggesting he isn't necessarily a deadbeat and op has made no comment on what sort of a father he is to the child."

Plus making it difficult for the OP to get maintenance isn't a glowing report.

"Just because he's not pleasant to the op (hardly surprising considering they've broken up)" She did not say he was 'not pleasant' she said "quite threatening" and "verbally nasty at times". And it is not always the case that people who who have broken up are nasty to each other.

Dish "going round to collect your son ... and they'd gone! Your son's father had simply moved, lock stock and barrel! Can you imagine what that would do to you?"

Hopefully the OP will inform her son's dad as soon as she has moved so there will be no chance of the dad coming round to pick up his son and son not there. We do not even know if he collects from home now anyway.

When my friend split with her ex she did not tell him where she went, as he was abusive and obstructive. She arranged for him to see his son and they met in a local cafe or whatever because she did not want her ex at her home.

Totally agree with PyongyangKipperbang and others.

I find some of the responses on here staggering and totally unjustifiable.

So the woman is supposed to struggle on alone for years without any support despite mental health problems with barely any parenting done by the father just because it suits him?

Some posters need to get a grip. How misogynistic.

Moving is in the best interests of her son. The father only has himself to blame and if he'd pulled his weight perhaps it wouldn't have had to happen.

Move OP. Good luck .

Would it be really wrong of me to move first and then meet up with my ex and tell him I've moved?

So what happens, he turns up at your house for his first contact and finds a 'to let' sign and no trace of his son or any explanation of where he might be.

I'd go ballistic in that situation and would be beside myself with worry. Sometime later he gets a call or visit to say 'Oh hello ex-partner, we just legged it a 100 miles and a two hour drive away, hope you don't mind.' How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot? Be prepared for a very awkward and angry conversation at that point.

It may well be in your son's interest to move and it almost certainly seems to be in your best interest as well, but the way you propose going about it is deeply unfair and potentially damaging to your son.

Just make all the arrangements to go! Your son will be better off with a happier mother, and hopefully a more supportive family that his paternal relations.
But tell your ex before you actually move. Arrange to meet in a cafe or other public space without your son there preferably, and tell him then.
Two hours isn't that far away really. I don't think you'd have to finance the contact visits, especially as you don't receive maintenance from the ex. Do try to be supportive about facilitating your ds seeing his dad regularly though, as it is in your ds's interests for this to be as amicable as possible in the longer term.

Well there is a thread on the Relationships board where the NRP (a bloke) has chosen to move miles away and yet its the RP (a woman who is expected to do all the running around so it will be interesting to see how this pans out!

YY Karma A good example of that is the thread i mentioned.

KarmaNoMore "If I were you, I wouldn't take any quick decisions, go and visit your family for a month, see if you actually get the support that you need an expect and if after a month you think the best decision is to stay. Just do." Great advice.

Are you renting or do you own your property, OP. How quickly can you move if you have to give notice?

If you decide to take innagazing advice and "...your ex before you actually move. Arrange to meet in a cafe or other public space without your son there preferably, and tell him then." Just make sure you have a friend to make sure that things stay calm.

If you chose to do this you could do it in the future tense, "We are going to move up to or down to or across to XYZ place."

You certainly do not need to spell out how far it is in miles or how long it takes to get there. You can say I will let you know contact details etc when sorted and you can ask your ex to suggest contact details.

Does he contact you by email and phone etc, those won't change so it is not like everything is changing.

If the OP's ex chooses to go elsewhere for a job, or meets someone new or has a baby with someone else and then they move away, the OP would have no right to make him stay locally!

Wise words Karma, sorry your family were not more supportive.

OP are you working, is little one in any kind of childcare. Is not, you can easily pop up to see family and see how things are.

I don't think 2 hours is that far away actually, it's not too far for him to still see DS every other weekend.

You will be a better mum if you are happy and have enough support.

Good luck.

Can you ask your family to move closer to you?

I know the OP doesn't paint her ex in the best light but we only have her words. His point of view would be much different. Of course his whole family are awful, threatening and controlling.

I just think it's almost evil to take a child away from a parent without so much as a consultation, mum or dad.

I'd speak to him/them about your plans and how to come to a compromise.

Ok so he's controlling. You can't cope. He's already suggested he has his son full time, and will most likely be able to prove evidence of a stable, supportive environment in front of a judge.

Let's say you move without telling him. He goes to court. Try to imagine how he can make it look. Do you have any evidence he or his family is controlling/bullying you? Is it just your word? He can tell the judge you're the controlling one and won't allow him to see his child. His proof? He wanted a partial custody, as he felt you weren't mentally coping. You refused and then moved his child 100 miles away without informing him - at all. Can you see how that looks to a stranger who has two completely different versions of events being told to him?

Let's say you go through with it, he goes to court, wins partial residency. One weekend, he doesn't being the child back.

Tells you he feels your mental health is deteriorating, this is in child's best interest, etc.

There will be nothing you can do, except take him to court to get your son back.

I understand your needs, but you need to be smart about this and think long-term damage. Get a formal arrangement made with his visitation. Then when he breaks it and doesn't see his child as much, you have proof to show court he only sees his child X times out of the agreed upon Y times as is and it shows why his request to court may be unreasonable.

Go visit your family for a few weeks. Come back, go visit again for a month. Gradually start moving items because you need them there for the short stay. Then, when you can prove an established family support network, a new job opportunity will have suddenly presented itself. You get your family around you and you tell your ex with your family around to support of your decision that you will be moving. You have a reasonable and fair contact plan to present your ex. You have witnesses to any ranting/raving. Be smart about thisz

And to the posters suggesting how can she be expected to live away from her family .... What the fuck? She's an adult who CHOSE to move and live 100 miles away from them in the first place. She wasn't bloody forced out of the family bosom and coerced into having a baby wih some stranger. She chose it.

100 miles is not to another country. It's about a couple of hours driving, presumably.
If your son is not even of school age, then it can't be argued that he's settled in the area.
You have a job to go to.
You'll be moving near your own family for support.
He has no set work hours.

It sounds reasonable to me.
It's not as if you're doing it on a whim to separate him from the child.
I'd set up a clear case (should he want to go to court) and then let him know when you're ready to move.

As long as you're still in the country there is nothing he can do to actually stop you and the child moving away. As long as you're looking after your son properly and actually want him then that won't be an issue either.

However, you need to tell him you're leaving. It isn't fair just to put the news on him once you've already gone. He's got just as much rights as you have. Please think about it. He needs to have a relationship with his child too.

I think we get stuck on this forum like little women who have to stay put no matter what the situation and the NRP ( usually dad) seems to be well he can do what he wants.

Honestly do what is best for you and your DS..Not to spite dad,,,Mum will be expected to work when DS is at school , you have got yourself a job that presumably will work with school hours hopefully you won't be raising a child in poverty..Good luck,

Probably worth gettting some legal advice about whether you can be forced to move back before you make the decision. Given that you've said that Ex and his family can be threatening/ verbally abusive, I would probably tell him about the move once it's a done deal, not that you're thinking about it.

I would also get the new job sorted first,and frame it in terms of having to move for your new job.

Be prepared to do some of the travel though.