AIBU about parent friend who told DD 'why all the children at school don't like her'.

[windygallows]

Friend/parent from school were recently together with our 10 year old DCs; her DD is at school with my DD. Friend was talking about a particular tricky experience and my DD chimed in to talk about a similar experience she'd had. DD was just trying to add to the conversation but probably was trying to put a bit of the focus on her - she is just young so doesn't always understand reciprocity in conversations.

Friend/parent turned to DD and said 'You need to stop doing that. When you butt in and turn someone else's story into your story, you discount them and what they were saying. You do this all the time and this is why the children at school don't like you.'

DD welled up and turned away while I sat there gobsmacked. Clearly the parent had learned from her own child that this was something my DD does that is problematic, but I'm pretty sure 'all the children at school' don't dislike her. More importantly if this is an issue it's not really for a 50 year old woman to tell my DD; a quiet word with me would have been better so I could raise it with my DD. I can't imagine ever saying anything similar to her child. That sort of thing really stings.

Days later I'm still fuming about it. AIBU to be so cross about this? or should I just let it go.

Just like my ex-friend windy, only I didn't realise it until the final straw in the playground that day.

I would encourage you to tell her how you feel - that is the one regret that I had, I avoid confrontation at all costs and therefore never told my (at the time, very good) friend why I was so shocked, hurt and upset. I basically took the wimps route, avoided her at all costs and gradually the friendship waned.

Have you spoken to her since? Do you think she realises she crossed the line with her comments?

Windy that skill develops in time, a lot of children that age talk impulsively, some adults even interrupt and want to get their word in. So don't worry about it, that woman was plain nasty.

Actually there is nothing wrong with what your dd said, she was emphathising with your friend by telling her that her dog died too, or that she had gone through it too, so don't worry type of thing. No your friend is nasty, getting her kicks from humiliating a child.,

Agreed Aeroflot. There's just no excuse for how she spoke to your dd op.

When you have calmed down a bit, it might be a good idea to talk to the other mum and explain to her how much she hurt your daughters feelings, and that you feel she owes your daugther an apology. Even is she doesn't apologize at least you will have shown your daugther you are in her corner and the other mum will know why you are avoiding her.

Your daughter did nothing wrong, she was simply behaving like a normal 10 year old. The woman does not have a similar excuse. I would still mention the incident to the school in terms of your DD being bullied by another parent who should know better and ask them to keep an eye on her to make sure she hasn't been adversely affected by this. I still can't believe a parent would behave like this

Have you talked to your dd yet, windy?

I think this brings back bad memories for me, as the similar thing my gran said to me severely scarred me and I was a happy confident child up until then.

Yes I spoke to my DD and we had a long conversation about how the comment made her feel, how I reacted and we discussed why it was wrong for friend to say it and why I'm so cross about it. We then talked about how adults can be just as or more mean than children! We also talked about forgiveness and the importance of moving on and not letting things summer.

I said with all criticism there's an opportunity to reflect on whether there's any truth in that and we talked more about empathy and sympathy and how to be a better listener and think about how to react in conversations.

She cried but it was very positive. I think DD felt relief that I brought it up and less anxious at the end.

Thx all.

I meant simmer not summer!!

@windygallows - Sounds like you handled it really well, but that woman was VICIOUS!

I think you did the right thing by not responding at the time - as you say, it would probably have led to the woman saying more of the same in an attempt to defend herself. I would want to talk to her about it away from the kids, though. She can't be allowed to get away with that!

I said with all criticism there's an opportunity to reflect on whether there's any truth in that and we talked more about empathy and sympathy and how to be a better listener and think about how to react in conversations
Well said OP. You sound like a very reasonable person and that is excellent, mature advice for your DD.
Now you need to provide the spiteful cowbag WHO MADE YOUR 10 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER CRY with some well-deserved 'critisism' on which she can 'take the opportunity to reflect'. Admittedly I have my own ideas about what form that might take...
for you both.

I totally agree with aerofletgirl....I also thought sharing our own experiences and empathising is a way to make the other person not feel alone.
I'm not sure how your daughter conducted this though but still she should not be shot down like that especially at her young age.

Im really into forgiveness. Massively. However you also need to role model how to challenge unkind behaviour. Presently you've made DD reflect on her faults and forgive the woman without demonstrating how to actually resolve the bigger problem. Please don't teach her to be walked over. Constant self blaming is very different to being openly reflective and resolving situations. Please teach her to calmly take a stand. You've only done half your job otherwise. The easy half!

What an absolute bitch, can't believe you could hear that and not defend your daughter (haven't read all thread so I apologise if you now have).