AIBU about parent friend who told DD 'why all the children at school don't like her'.

[windygallows]

Friend/parent from school were recently together with our 10 year old DCs; her DD is at school with my DD. Friend was talking about a particular tricky experience and my DD chimed in to talk about a similar experience she'd had. DD was just trying to add to the conversation but probably was trying to put a bit of the focus on her - she is just young so doesn't always understand reciprocity in conversations.

Friend/parent turned to DD and said 'You need to stop doing that. When you butt in and turn someone else's story into your story, you discount them and what they were saying. You do this all the time and this is why the children at school don't like you.'

DD welled up and turned away while I sat there gobsmacked. Clearly the parent had learned from her own child that this was something my DD does that is problematic, but I'm pretty sure 'all the children at school' don't dislike her. More importantly if this is an issue it's not really for a 50 year old woman to tell my DD; a quiet word with me would have been better so I could raise it with my DD. I can't imagine ever saying anything similar to her child. That sort of thing really stings.

Days later I'm still fuming about it. AIBU to be so cross about this? or should I just let it go.

What a bitch! Hope your DD is ok bless her

Yes, when the heat has gone out of the situation, one of the things to look at (carefully and gently) is how far your DD does make everything all about her. You make a nod in the opening post that this is true.

Which does not justify how this mother spoke, but might explain why she had reached the point that she felt she had to stand up for her DC.

No-one expects a 10-yo to be a perfect conversationalist, but they are old enough to have learned not to hog.

Nasty nasty woman. I'd have to say something to her, spiteful bitch.

Your daughter will remember this and may become withdrawn at school as a result

Why do you consider her a friend?

You did the right thing in quietly gathering your stuff and leaving the situation, next step is to explain to DC that former friend is full of crap and to not bother meeting up with them again.

No-one expects a 10-yo to be a perfect conversationalist, but they are old enough to have learned not to hog

Gosh there are so many adults who hog conversations.

Yanbu what a nasty woman, she would not be my friend anymore. I would message her to tell her behaviour was unacceptable and if there were issues, she should have spoken to you, not make a 10 year old girl feel like crap!

You speak to little girls in a spiteful, nasty way - that's why no one likes you. Thought you'd want to know.

Then just walk away.

Completely agree with this!

So I can understand it being annoying to be interrupted and the focus taken away from what you were saying but there is a kind way to explain that to someone, especially if it is to a child.

It is a shame that you didn't pull her up on it at the time because that would have shown your DD that the woman's comments were not acceptable. However, I am someone who always thinks of the right thing to say afterwards and would probably have also been too shell shocked to say anything.

It was an overkill, but why didn't the OP stop her child hijacking the conversation in the first place if she was right there?

It sounds like the friend snapped - wrongly - about a recurring thing that gets on people's nerve when the parents don't do anything about it!

That I should awful and totally unacceptable. I agree with Drinks. I would take it up with school too - but I am no sure I would contact the rude witch head on as it may just add to the shit situation as she is clearly unpleasant and not rational.

"No-one expects a 10-yo to be a perfect conversationalist, but they are old enough to have learned not to hog

"Gosh there are so many adults who hog conversations."

Yes, and wouldn't it be nice if there were fewer?

But that's something OP should only be thinking about once the sting of this incident has passed, and if on calmer consideration she thinks there is an issue. The opening post tends to suggest it, but that might not be the whole story.

Your child should be saying "excuse me" or similar before interrupting adults in conversation if you want them to come up to the standards of good manners a lot of people would expect.

HOWEVER 'nobody likes you at school' is far far beyond an appropriate response. In fact the way the other person did this across you and the way she did it demonstrates that she looks down on you and your child.

If this wasn't the case you might, perhaps see a normal persn make a joke of 'how rude' or a hrumph, or say something like "can you please not interrupt me without saying excuse me" not "nobody likes you at school and look how I can say this to you in front of your mum as I like".

How horrible. All of my dd's friends are a bit annoying, one way or another. Because they are still learning and not surprisingly they don't have the social skills of an adult yet. I wouldn't dream of seeing it as my place to correct them, and definitely not in such a spiteful way.

Don't contact her, but do drop her. And do speak to the school, partly to check on the alleged universal dislike and partly to see if the teacher has made similar observations.

I'd have said (if the parent had said nothing) 'X, could you just let me finish my story, then we can listen to yours?' in a fairly firm but still nice fashion. My middle child (9yo) is terrible for interrupting and I'm on it every time - I have said before 'look, you do this a lot and it's annoying, you need to start listening for when people have finished' but a) he's my dc b) I try and do it constructively and would never add a nasty blow like that. I agree that the wording sounds intended to deliver a deliberately destructive cruelty.

Sorry but I would have slapped her for trying to give my daughter a huge hang up like that

Even if it is true that is a horrible way to deal with it!!!!!!! What a itch.

I would have slapped her

Really? You would have physically assaulted someone in front of both your children? Of course you would have my dear.

I would have said something there and then. I would prefer a 10 year old girl to chatter away making conversation than being too scared to say anything or comatose on their phone.

What made what she said so important anyway?

But tbh if you didn't stick up for your dd you sound almost as bad.

A parent told my dd that 'it's not all about you" when dd was upset about something. She didn't think I'd heard.

I told her that it wasn't her job to parent my child and god knows over the years I'd seen some bad behaviour but part of being a responsible adult is knowing when to say something and when to stay silent. Or, even, be kind and empathetic instead of spiteful.

dusts hands together

Of course having a conversation with an "eleven-erifer" (if you've been to Tenerife, they've been to elevenerife) is annoying but she's 10. What 10 year old has perfect self awareness and conversation skills? It takes a long time to learn these things and I know plenty of adults who never mastered it!

That woman is an absolute bitch. I can't imagine speaking to anyone that way, let alone a child!

I hope the slapping comment was a joke! Slapping her would model a violent response to the children watching and be very dysfunctional role modelling.

windygallows a 'friend' did similar to this to my DD a few years back, in the playground, in front of everyone, in quite a vicious tone. I was mortified - so much so I couldn't think of anything to say right at that moment, I just removed my DD from the area to stand on our own. Long story short, we are no longer friends.

I almost believed that the mum was correct in her statement that "everyone finds you, mini-clanger, a bossy, overbearing classmate" because this particular mum helped out a lot in the the classroom, so I thought she saw stuff I didn't. I approached my DD's teacher in the end to discuss - got completely the other side of the story and realised that my so-called friend had quite a form for this type of thing. So called friend realised what she'd done wrong (well, another mum explained to her she'd been harsh) and she kept hanging around waiting for me in the playground after that - no apology, but "lets go for a coffee to discuss". No thanks!

A class jumble-up the following school year meant our DD's are no longer in a class together, and my goodness, its refreshing not to have the woman anywhere near us in the playground - she's presumably moved onto fresh pickings.

My only regret is that I didn't explain to her why I was 'terminating' our friendship, for want of a better phrase. In hindsight I realised she often picked on my / other peoples kids - her kids were perfect, but everybody elses had issues.

There are adults who dominate conversations, but I wod never say anything to them, you certainly do not give such dressing down to a child who is still learning. Is humiliation her forte!

OP, I am so Cross on your behalf! I have a daughter who is very chatty and confident. She does sometimes chatter a bit too much and interrupt, especially when she is excited, but she's 8 and still learning so I gently correct her and explain about manners and sharing opinions and she's getting the idea. My DH and I are extremely proud that my confident little girl can chat proficiently with both adults and other children but I have noticed that some adults can be a bit 'put out' at a little girl daring to express an opinion (in our experience, good, old fashioned sexism is still rife when it comes to what a girl child 'should' be like!)

If another adult ever tried to knock my daughter's confidence in this nasty manner (and this smacks of that awful woman trying to bring her down a peg or two) I would be furious. I completely understand why you didn't speak up at the time, I think any reasonable person would be stunned into silence at another adult verbally attacking a child, but you need to act now so your child understands how unacceptable this is. Do go into school and have a quiet word, if only to show that woman up for what she really is. Ask if your DD is having any problems with relationships, but keep the focus on ensuring her self esteem isn't affected by the whole thing. Make sure your daughter knows that although she perhaps shouldn't have interrupted, the woman's response was much worse and not justified in any way by some small thing she did. She is a grown up and has much more control over their actions than a 10 year old girl (or should). The womans behaviour was appalling and says much more about her that your DD. Make sure your daughter knows this. Please also assure her that what the woman said was simply not true. She was obviously just lashing out and I don't believe the things she said have anything but the slightest basis in fact, mainly because she has obviously always been happy to let the girls play together. Use it as a teaching lesson about how words can hurt. But please do ensure the school knows about this incident so they can look out for your DD. It would be an awful shame if one woman's unkind comments were alllowed to affect your obviously outgoing daughter's confidence long term. I hope your little girl is ok.

I don't see a massive issue with the comment (provided it's true) up to the 'nobody likes you' bit. That's utterly vicious - and also an unacceptable, below-the-belt intrusion by an adult into a child's world. It's pretty pathetic actually and suggests she has some unresolved hang-ups from school herself.

Thanks all for the comments. I just want to stress that my DD wasn't rude nor did she interrupt in the conversation I mention. She can converse with people but this time around she just didn't listen to what my adult friend was saying and then jumped in to tell story when it was more appropriate to listen and show sympathy.

So the conversation was something like the adult talking about when her dog died, then my daughter jumping in to talk about when her dog died. A good conversationalist wouldn't jump in to tell their story but instead take time to listen and absorb what the adult was saying first.

However I don't think my DD has a massive problem interacting and she has lots of friends at school. My adult friend was merely parroting an issue that her DD probably has about my DD, if you see what I mean.

What makes me so cross is friend is okay to chastise my DD but treads ever so carefully with her own DD who is apparently "extremely sensitive".