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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about parent friend who told DD 'why all the children at school don't like her'.

139 replies

windygallows · 12/06/2017 21:54

Friend/parent from school were recently together with our 10 year old DCs; her DD is at school with my DD. Friend was talking about a particular tricky experience and my DD chimed in to talk about a similar experience she'd had. DD was just trying to add to the conversation but probably was trying to put a bit of the focus on her - she is just young so doesn't always understand reciprocity in conversations.

Friend/parent turned to DD and said 'You need to stop doing that. When you butt in and turn someone else's story into your story, you discount them and what they were saying. You do this all the time and this is why the children at school don't like you.'

DD welled up and turned away while I sat there gobsmacked. Clearly the parent had learned from her own child that this was something my DD does that is problematic, but I'm pretty sure 'all the children at school' don't dislike her. More importantly if this is an issue it's not really for a 50 year old woman to tell my DD; a quiet word with me would have been better so I could raise it with my DD. I can't imagine ever saying anything similar to her child. That sort of thing really stings.

Days later I'm still fuming about it. AIBU to be so cross about this? or should I just let it go.

OP posts:

mellicauli · 12/06/2017 22:38

sounds like she was projecting her own experiences onto your daughter..she was 10x ruder with her response than your daughter was butting in...can't see many people liking her with manners like that.

stuntcamel · 12/06/2017 22:38

I consider her a friend
No, don't do that. She isn't.

NotBigBrotherAgain · 12/06/2017 22:39

Your DD sounds like a totally normal child! I spent a day helping out on a school trip today with kids of a similar age and they all constantly talk at each other and don't listen to each other.

However I am totally gobsmacked that you let this woman reduce your DD to tears and say something so spiteful that it might have a long lasting effect on your DD but yet you said nothing! Why?! Another mum said something nasty but not quite as nasty to my DD once and I made a point of pulling this woman up on it and telling her she was out of order. I can't understand why you didn't do this too!

Katedotness1963 · 12/06/2017 22:39

How cruel...[shock😡]

JigglyTuff · 12/06/2017 22:41

OMG that's a horrible, horrible thing for anyone to say.

becausebecausebecause - she's an adult. There is no excuse to ever say to a child 'that's why the children at school don't like you'. Ever.

Fanciedachange17 · 12/06/2017 22:42

I agree your friend was harsh but I'm also with because in wondering whether there is a problem of precociousness in your DD? It is rude and annoying to be interrupted especially if talking about a tricky experience to another adult and a child butts in. If your friend had left off the last sentence would her other comments have been fair? Is it something that others do find irritating and perhaps your friend blurted it out because what she was saying to you was important to her and she didn't need a child rudely attention seeking?

It is very hard to accept criticism of oneself or one's child but it doesn't mean it is not valid. Tricky one. I'm sure your friend has mixed feelings. Probably glad to get it off her chest but regretting the hurt inflicted.

UnicornSparkles1 · 12/06/2017 22:44

Your "friend" sounds fucking awful. What a nasty bitch.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/06/2017 22:46

Yanbu. She was really unkind to your DD. She could have told her plenty of other ways not to butt in.

She could and should have found a much nicer way to tell her how her behaviour affects others.

I'd also have a quiet word with the teacher just to check up on how she thinks your DD is doing socially because she may need some guidance and secondary school is much harder for kids socially.

Original poster

windygallows · 12/06/2017 22:47

Fancied I thought about this too that perhaps my DDs behaviour is a real problem and although I haven't seen this in excess others may have.

But ffor me the issue is the way it was relayed as well as the mean spiritedness. Plus why was she talking to her DD about what the kids in theiir class think of my DD. Over involved or what?

OP posts:

JigglyTuff · 12/06/2017 22:48

I totally accept it can be annoying but you can just say (as I often do to DS who has SN) 'Please don't interrupt, I hadn't finished talking' or something.

The rest of what she said was totally unnecessary and really cruel

Fanciedachange17 · 12/06/2017 22:52

windy you're not "over involved". You love your DD, what's more natural than that?

I can't see you remaining friends with the woman although you will probably remain cordial it will always rankle. As it would with me if anyone did it to one of mine.

I think I would forget her and quietly distance myself and concentrate on your DD. I'm not sure I would talk about it with her unless you can see it is bothering her. How about arranging something fun with a few of her school friends at the weekend, picnic / games in the park sort of thing? Then you can watch the dynamics of the group and also reassure DD that she is liked.

Brighteyes27 · 12/06/2017 22:52

Nasty woman. There was no need to speak to your DD like that.

Although I wish someone would tell one of my work colleagues it is rude to always chime into conversations and turn them round to her. She is forever turning any and all conversations round to herself (and she is late 40's). She generally seems popular and I don't know if others have noticed but I definitely have as she does it to me so often.

But seriously I would tackle this woman so your daughter knows you have supported her without irretrievably breaking down the relationship with her just incase your daughter is a little isolated and this makes things any worse. But she definitely sounds like an opionated bully who is maybe used to getting her own way socially for whatever reason and her daughter maybe the same.

Brighteyes27 · 12/06/2017 22:55

Maybe try what fanciedachange17 suggests to help bolster your DD's confidence.

alltouchedout · 12/06/2017 22:58

If her dd is as unkind and unpleasant as this woman she may well have come out with a load of untrue nastiness about your dd. What a horrible woman she sounds.

WombOfOnesOwn · 12/06/2017 22:59

This is the kind of thing that leads to girls becoming young women who are afraid to talk about their experiences and afraid to have a real sense of self.

If it helps, this woman was probably taught the same thing by her mother, who told her to be quiet when others talked about their experiences and that no one wanted to listen to her stories. She probably thinks she's doing good by passing the lesson on -- a broken woman trying to create a new broken woman.

I seriously wonder if she'd have done the same thing if your DD was a DS. Somehow many of these people who snap at little girls about precocity (I was a precocious little girl who had this happen often) don't do the same with little boys.

eternalnamechange · 12/06/2017 23:01

What a cruel thing to say? Did she notice yours and DDs reactions? You wouldn't speak to an adult like that, never mind a child! I'm sorry for your DD.

MammaTJ · 12/06/2017 23:04

If your 10 year old lacks social graces, that is fine and understandable, she is 10!

For this woman to lack social graces to the extent she verbally attacks a 10 year old, that is not fine, she has not excuse, apart from being a nasty individual, and that is still not fine.

Do ask at school if your DD has any noticeable social difficulties. If she does, ask for ELSA support (emotional literacy....something,.... something........... ). My DD age 11 has had it and it has helped. No shame if at this age they struggle, but back to the age thing, a lot of shame if you do not know how to deal with a 10 year old butting in/adding to the conversation nicely as an adult!

Mumoftu · 12/06/2017 23:04

How strange that your 'friend' felt she was in a position to offer advice on the art of communicating politely when she clearly struggles herself.
I would make sure your dd knows that your 'friend' said what she did because she was being rude and unkind and that you won't be subjecting your dd to her again if you can help it.

NataliaOsipova · 12/06/2017 23:06

The bit about nobody at school liking her was unnecessary and unkind.

This. If she'd asked your DD - politely - not to interrupt, then that would have been reasonable. If she'd asked your DD not to interrupt and told her that her interruption came across as dismissive, that would still have been reasonable, if perhaps a little heavy handed. But to tell her that people don't like her? Totally out of order.

harderandharder2breathe · 12/06/2017 23:06

YANBU what a horrible thing to say to a child.

No matter how annoying she might find your DD, she's the grown up and DD is a child. It's fine to say "please don't interrupt" or "wait a minute please DD", but making such spiteful comments to a child is horrible and uncalled for.

She's not unusual for her age. At Brownies we'll have a group conversation and at least half of them will chime in with stories of varied relevance, some will chime in just for the sake of it without even saying anything really ("so one time, um, at school, um, i forgot"). If I'm talking to one child or parent another child will regularly come up and start talking to me and I just tell them to hang on a minute while I talk to X, or if it's an important conversation with a parent will ask them to go play for now and come back and tell me later.

Children are still learning social skills like taking turns in conversation and not only talking about themselves. This is something not all adults manage!

Wolfiefan · 12/06/2017 23:07

Rude and mean thing to say to a child.
But you say she was talking about a tricky subject. If it was personal or upsetting could that have coloured her response?
Or does your DD do this a lot and she just got fed up? At 10 I would expect a child to have some sense that not every conversation should revolve around them.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 12/06/2017 23:07

this is why the children at school don't like you

that's what bullies do.....she behaved like a bully.
substitute child for an adult at work - would it be acceptable for a colleague to speak to you like that - and in a public setting?

she should have stopped before uttering that last sentence.
or at least immediately apologised to your dd and corrected herself.

i'd speak to your dc teacher so they're aware of what happened and can keep an eye out.

unapaloma · 12/06/2017 23:09

You probably shouldn't stoop to her level, but I'd feel like calling this woman over next time you see her, and saying:
'You speak to little girls in a spiteful, nasty way - that's why no one likes you. Thought you'd want to know.'

Then just walk away.

eternalnamechange · 12/06/2017 23:13

You say it was days ago? How is your DD now? How did you manage it with her? I'm
still gobsmacked that someone would say that. Although a teacher once turned to her class after telling off my DS5 for talking and sitting him away from them "He's so annoying, isn't he boys and girls?" They of course said yes. I want slap that bitch to this day.

NataliaOsipova · 12/06/2017 23:17

perhaps my DDs behaviour is a real problem

Even if it is, that was still a wholly inappropriate way for her to have dealt with it. It would have been inappropriate for her to speak to another adult like that, never mind a 10 year old child.

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