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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about parent friend who told DD 'why all the children at school don't like her'.

139 replies

windygallows · 12/06/2017 21:54

Friend/parent from school were recently together with our 10 year old DCs; her DD is at school with my DD. Friend was talking about a particular tricky experience and my DD chimed in to talk about a similar experience she'd had. DD was just trying to add to the conversation but probably was trying to put a bit of the focus on her - she is just young so doesn't always understand reciprocity in conversations.

Friend/parent turned to DD and said 'You need to stop doing that. When you butt in and turn someone else's story into your story, you discount them and what they were saying. You do this all the time and this is why the children at school don't like you.'

DD welled up and turned away while I sat there gobsmacked. Clearly the parent had learned from her own child that this was something my DD does that is problematic, but I'm pretty sure 'all the children at school' don't dislike her. More importantly if this is an issue it's not really for a 50 year old woman to tell my DD; a quiet word with me would have been better so I could raise it with my DD. I can't imagine ever saying anything similar to her child. That sort of thing really stings.

Days later I'm still fuming about it. AIBU to be so cross about this? or should I just let it go.

OP posts:
bookwormnerd · 12/06/2017 23:20

What a horrible woman. Your daughter was trying to make a connection and was trying to show empathy through relating experience. Yes it may have been clumsy but she's 10. Of course others like her. I would mention to teacher but I would also speak to other parent and I'm not one for confrontation. I would tell her how much she hurt your daughter and maybe she needs to look at her own social skills before saying such a spiteful thing to a child. I would ask her to look in mirror before judging and although your daughter is still learning that friend has no excuse. Your daughter meant no harm, it is normal to relate things to own experience. I worked with 10 year olds and to be honest a lot are very self involved and still clumsy socially. Its an age of a lot of arguments, hormones and working out who you are. How could of woman thought it was ok to say that no one likes daughter.I would be raging if I were you

Squishedstrawberry4 · 12/06/2017 23:23

She could have explained about not interrupting and staying with the real topic with warmth and humour. But she chose to be extremely unkind and very personal. Also generally one person cannot speak for a whole year group. I would have asked her to name names just so that she was forced to back up her claim. It might be that's some children do struggle with your DD hijacking stories but that doesn't mean they hate her.

I would probably text the woman so that it can be dealt with quickly. And you can model how to appropriately challenge people when they are particularly unkind. You are her advocate. Don't be weak.

I'd text 'you know you could have explained things to DD kindly and with warmth but you chose to be personally critical and cutting. Did you see how upset DD was? Now she thinks 'everyone' really dislikes her. No child is perfect (yours included!) and they all need support and care and kindness to grow into adults'

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/06/2017 23:25

I think this is the kind of comment you remember into adulthood, so what you do next is very important. The immediate time-line doesn't matter, because that will blur as your DD grows.

But I think you DEF need to have a conversation with her.

The conversation needs to be about:
how adults aren't always right (what the woman said).
How actions speak louder than words (she said no one likes DD... get DD to list the people she gets on with at school and the people who find her funny or entertaining or helpful, or whatever. Don't limit the list to school
How being shocked can 'freeze' you (your reaction to the mum, and - together - how you can both do things different next time)
Actions speaking louder than words (again) as she watches you slowly step away from contact with that mum

There's LOADS you can do here to boost your DD, and ranting at that mother isn't necessary, (possibly satisfying, but not necessary). Polite and distant will work wonders. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold!

I get why PPs are saying call that mum out on it, but - honestly - I think supporting your DD is what actually matters, and making sure this doesn't affect her long-term. There's no need to confront the other mum. She'll know by your actions that she was unacceptable.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 12/06/2017 23:25

Also the fact she relates to stuff probably means she's very empathic.

I would talk to the teacher about the mum saying everyone dislikes her and explain it's really knocked her confidence and can they help

Cupcake1315 · 12/06/2017 23:25

What a mean thing to say...... even if it is true, it's not her damn place to say.

10 years old, what a way to knock her confidence. Please find a way to communicate with her and tell her how appalling her behaviour was.

I would then keep well away from her. Nasty piece of work.

I have friends who can't keep their mouths shut and find turn taking hard, but I love them dearly all the same, I'm sure not everyone dislikes her.

Hope your DD doesn't believe her lies.

JohnCheese · 12/06/2017 23:26

Oh WOW! Just awful. Your poor DD.

It is completely inappropriate for this woman to say any of this to your DD. She's a bully. Stay away. And talk your DD.

If I were to say anything to this woman, it would be to tell her that you will parent your own child and fark off.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 12/06/2017 23:26

But will the mother know she's done something wrong? She probably will have justified it?

Why wouldn't you challenge something like this? OP has to model good behaviour and not rolling over and being walked over

NataliaOsipova · 12/06/2017 23:27

I think this is the kind of comment you remember into adulthood, so what you do next is very important

Absolutely right Drinks. Really good post.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/06/2017 23:36

Actually, I like Squishedstrawberry's text. Send that!

sleeponeday · 12/06/2017 23:39

Agree with KeepServing. Completely.

Unfortunately, I think calling the mother out will mean she involves her daughter in it, and that could cause your DD issues at school. Just drop the woman. She's appalling - that's the sort of thing really vindictive teenagers say to one another, not what a grown woman says to a child! Just terrible.

I'm so sorry - that she had that, and that you did, too. As a parent it must have been awful.

sleeponeday · 12/06/2017 23:40

I would talk to the teacher about the mum saying everyone dislikes her and explain it's really knocked her confidence and can they help

Agreed. I think this needs to be flagged up.

WicksEnd · 12/06/2017 23:45

It's very different, a child interjecting to say how a similar situation has happened to or affected them, it shows a degeee of empathy. As adults we often get the balance wrong too, plenty have annoyed me over the years (especially with their own competitive grief).

Your poor DD. That woman can't have many friends if that's the way she conducts herself.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 12/06/2017 23:50

You speak to little girls in a spiteful, nasty way - that's why no one likes you. Thought you'd want to know.

Then just walk away

This.

NancyWake · 12/06/2017 23:56

Tbh I'm not convinced that what this woman said is even true. She sounds very insecure and has major issues of her own not to be able to control herself with a child, and she's lashed out. It might not be based on anything at all.

I would have a word with her about her behaviour, but I wouldn't take her claim too seriously.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 12/06/2017 23:58

Fwiw, I think it shows quite a bit of confidence for a 10 year old to join in an adult conversation , it's how they learn conversation skills.

SpangledShambles · 13/06/2017 01:04

how horrible. I understand being gobsmacked and not responding at the time out of shock. But having thought it through, now is the time for you to dump your friend coolly and with dignity. What she did was not only out of order, it was cruel, bullying and clearly working out some fucked up issue of her own. Tell your DD that the woman has issues and is talking through her backside and tell her you are not going to be friends with someone who treats her like that. So sorry, what a horrible thing to happen.

emmyrose2000 · 13/06/2017 01:36

Why do you still refer to this woman as a friend? She clearly is not. Anything less than cutting her dead and totally ignoring her from now is letting your daughter down.

Atenco · 13/06/2017 01:36

Totally agree with KeepServingTheDrinks

My grandmother said something similar to me, though not as bad, when I was that age and it actually sent me into a spiral of not trusting people to like me that it took many years to get over.

Make sure your dd knows that that stupid woman is not all-seeing and is highly unlikely to know who likes or dislikes your dd

avamiah · 13/06/2017 01:50

emmyrose2000,
Yes I totally agree with.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/06/2017 02:54

Absolute bitch. ShockAngry

I completely agree with the advice from KeepServingTheDrinks

This is the sort of thing that really knocked my confidence at 10. I was tall and quite verbally precocious, so some adults assumed I was hardy but I was actually ultra-sensitive. I remember nasty comments from adults to this day.

avamiah · 13/06/2017 02:58

Koala,
Yes, she sounds a right cow and to be honest who knows what I would do if this happened to my 7 year old.
So I hope it doesn't .😬

TheKrakenSmith · 13/06/2017 03:28

Stuff like this was said to me a lot as a child. I'm autistic and I don't really know how to talk to people or be relevant, and sometimes I can interrupt because I don't know when to talk. No one really got it and I've had the 'no one likes you because if xyz' as well. It really messed me up.
This woman is not your friend. I hope your daughter is ok. Flowers

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 13/06/2017 07:00

(why a grown woman is interested in these things, who knows - I certainly don't talk to my DD about her friends and their behaviour).

But it is normal for 10yo girls (and boys) to chatter away to their parents about their school day, and their friends, and what happened, who was naughty in class, what games they played at lunch time, the contents of lunch boxes blah blah blah - they simply chatter. It's their default setting.

Your friend overstepped the mark in what she said. But who knows what other girls have said in her earshot on playdates, or indeed the feed back other mothers have given. Mind you it still crossed boundaries, it wasn't her place to tell your child that her behaviour affects others and she wasn't very diplomatic about it.

Maybe have a word with the teacher and see if she over forward and talks over all of her peers?

NotMyPenguin · 13/06/2017 08:49

This is just shocking behaviour from a "grown up" rude, petty and unkind. Whether or not your daughter needs help with this aspect of relating to others is not the point (and I wouldn't assume just from this woman's reaction that it really is an issue, because she sounds unhinged). A wise adult who really thought this was an issue that your daughter needed to tackle, though, could have made a really similar point in a kind and insightful way, and she didn't she behaved completely inappropriately.

Strawberry's text is on the money.

So is Drinks' post about the importance of what you do next.

I wouldn't be seeing this woman again.

NataliaOsipova · 13/06/2017 08:56

But who knows what other girls have said in her earshot on playdates, or indeed the feed back other mothers have given

Let's assume that's true (not saying it is, by the way, but let's posit the worst case). Let's say that the OP's DD had major form for this and everybody is unbelievably irritated by it. The other mother snaps and says: 'You need to stop doing that. When you butt in and turn someone else's story into your story, you discount them and what they were saying. You do this all the time.' That's hard hitting. And far more direct than most adults will ever be with each other. I'd think it was a bit out of order to say that to a child, but it wouldn't be unconscionable. Adding the "that's why nobody likes you" bit? Really is unforgivable.

Plus - and I know I'm potentially adding fuel to the fire here - if the other mother did use the exact words the OP reports, then that sounds more like a prepared speech than an off the cuff remark made in irritation. An irritated response would be more like "Stop it, DD - we are not talking about you!". The form of words suggests something more clinical and deliberate, which is really awful.