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AIBU?

DH announced pregnancy to family (without me).

114 replies

Merlanguis · 12/06/2017 10:55

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first. Not planned but it's very wanted & we're both excited about it.

I am very close to my family and also have a good relationship with my in laws. This will be the first grandchild for my PIL. My MIL is particularly keen for grandkids.

Essentially, I didn't want to announce the the pregnancy to any family until after the first scan. I also felt it was important to do it in person & I wanted to see people's reactions. DH thought this was slight overkill and a phone call would do but had agreed. I have had to tell a couple of people about the pregnancy but for practical reasons. Firstly, some people at work due to bad morning sickness and a friend as I was being fitted for a bridesmaids dress.

I'm really close to my sister and mother and I have been tempted on many occasions to spill the beans as I have felt super grotty & tired in the past five weeks. However, I thought it would be unfair to tell my family and not DHs so I bit my tongue.

Just got back from a weekend away with work. My MIL had been over to stay in my absence. Husband announced pregnancy to her without me being there. He said it just slipped out. I asked what her response was and DH just shrugged his shoulders.

I feel really sad and angry. Firstly, I feel robbed of that opportunity to tell them. I was really looking forward to seeing their response. Secondly, I feel like my wishes have been massively disrespected. Finally, I feel a little sad that my family have been left til last to find out. I know that my mother and sister would be particularly upset to find out they were last to find out.

DH has apologised but essentially thinks that I am overreacting. I also want to let MIL know how upset I am by the whole thing.

There's nobody I can discuss this with so difficult to gain perspective. Feel slightly concerned that I might do something to damage my relationship with PIL. Having irrational urges to exclude them and DH from the rest of my pregnancy/scans etc. I wouldn't actually do that and realise that it probably stems from an urge to seize back control/make them understand how upset I am.

OP posts:
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Offherhead · 12/06/2017 10:59

YANBU. He shouldn't have done it against your wishes.
However yabu to think thst there will be any sharing through the pregnancy. That's about it until the baby is born for anyone outside of you and dh to be aware of.

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DeadGood · 12/06/2017 10:59

You should have told your family sooner. This sort of thing gets out of hand really quickly - if you are telling people like your work and a friend (!) then your family should absolutely have been told beforehand or as soon as possible.
Do not tell your PIL how upset you are. Seriously.

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Sirzy · 12/06/2017 11:02

Your angry he didn't respect your wishes but at the same time you didn't respect his by stopping him telling his family initially - that works both ways surely?

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arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2017 11:02

I agree with your dh, this is a massive overreaction. He made a mistake, apologised. Just accept apology and move on.

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DeadGood · 12/06/2017 11:02

YANBU about your husband though, he absolutely should have waited.
But next time - tell everyone at the same time, as much as possible. I wouldn't wait til scans to tell family, personally. It's too long a wait, and stuff like this ends up happening.
Try to move past this - maybe organise a little dinner with your PIL to celebrate. It's all out in the open now so you can be honest about wanting to mark the occasion in advance. They will be happy to see you and share the news. Try to salvage something from this :)
And yes, tell your family as soon as possible, like, tonight.

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Offherhead · 12/06/2017 11:02

No. It is nobody's business to share that news you don't owe telling anyone. I didn't share until after 20 weeks. Why do you think she should have done?

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Ellisandra · 12/06/2017 11:03

Way OTT.
It's exciting news, and it's his family.
Depends if you believe that it slipped out or if he just didn't give a shit.
I think it's ridiculous to want to tell MIL you're upset about it. Why?! Make her feel awkward for something that wasn't her fault?
Seeing MIL's reaction? Surprised then happy for you then excited.
You'll still get the limelight with your own family - so go ahead and tell them whenever you want!

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MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/06/2017 11:03

This isn't your MILs fault so don't say anything to her. I'd be seriously unimpressed with your DP though. I was the same, I wanted my family to know first (or around the same time) because I knew they would actually show and take more of an interest. When DC1 was born, DH had a PAYG phone and I told him not to phone MIL first because she would keep him on the phone, chatting on about everything and he would run out of credit and then couldn't let my family know at all.

Guess what, he went outside, phoned MIL first, she used up all his credit because she doesn't listen when someone says or hints that it's not convenient to talk and he couldn't phone my family at all. My family were not over the moon either that it took so long for them to find out, especially because I had complications.

Leave your ILs out of this, this is your DPs doing. If you want to, go ahead and tell your family now. We didn't do it together, I wasn't overly bothered about us both being there.

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RhodaBorrocks · 12/06/2017 11:06

Honestly, I told my family immediately (my DM wanted to do a second test with me, haha!) but then asked them to keep it quiet until after the scan. XP was estranged from his family at the time and announced it by sending them a Christmas card with scan pic when I was 4 months along. No one else knew until after we'd had the scan at 13w.

YANBU to be upset at him going against what you had agreed, but YABABU to think you can tell a few people who need to know then be disappointed your family is last - if it was that important that they knew then you should have told them sooner.

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Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 12/06/2017 11:09

You appear to be acting like this is yours and only your news and that you alone can decide how, who with and when it's shared. Doesn't your DH have any say?

Not MIL fault so why blame her. If DH says it slipped out and has apologised surely that's enough.

Time for a bit of perspective OP. YABU, I'm afraid. Congrats, btw.

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Chloe84 · 12/06/2017 11:10

I think it's up to you to tell your parents the way you want, and up to DH to tell his parents the way he wants.

Maybe he wanted to tell them himself?

Slightly concerning that you want to 'seize back control'.

Who do you perceive as having the control in your marriage?

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RestlessTraveller · 12/06/2017 11:11

Why on earth would you tell MIL that you were upset by it ? It's not her fault and comes across as a bit vindictive.

Congrat on your pregnancy!

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Figglesticks · 12/06/2017 11:12

Tell your family how you want to. You can do it now. Don't mention it's being done because DP has a big flappy gob.
Just do something exciting to tell them. They will be excited for you and see it how you do. Plenty of videos on YouTube for inspiration. It can be with or without DP but something tells me if you play a game with your mum to get her to find out that DP might think youre being a bit silly and put a downer on it. I could be wrong but I wouldn't take my DP with me to tell people. He'd just say "I got her pregnant" and that's not as nice a way to announce it in my eyes

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newbian · 12/06/2017 11:15

At least you realize that your urge to exclude your husband and in-laws from any news of the pregnancy is irrational.

You can be upset with DH (although I suggest you get over it quickly) but your in-laws have nothing to do with this.

You already told some people at work and a friend - yes you have your reasons but fact remains your family wasn't going to be the "first" to know anyway. Just tell them now.

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Believeitornot · 12/06/2017 11:15

This is nothing to do with your MIL so why punish her?

Your DH messed up but this is his mum. His mum! So it seems a bit mean for him not to be able to tell her without your permission.

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hellobonjour · 12/06/2017 11:15

You should have told your family before now if you were telling work colleagues and a friend. I don't understand why you wouldn't?

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GloriaGilbert · 12/06/2017 11:15

I understand your reasoning for not wanting to tell, but I'd chalk this up to your husband's enthusiasm. I don't think I could seriously get angry about this.

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Believeitornot · 12/06/2017 11:15

Also why did you want to see their reactions? Why is this so important?

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Supersoaryflappypigeon · 12/06/2017 11:16

In the nicest way you a being a bit unreasonable. It's his news too-I get that you wanted to see their reaction but I think you need to put it in perspective. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal.

Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy Smile

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GloriaGilbert · 12/06/2017 11:16

I'd be a bit more upset if I were your sister and learned that you had told your co-workers about it before me, regardless of the reasons.

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justkeepswimmingg · 12/06/2017 11:18

Everyone feels slightly overwhelmed, and protective of announcing their first pregnancy. Some PPs need to be a little sensitive to that.

YANBU OP. I suggest that you don't confront your MIL over it though, as it wasn't her fault. If you wish to address it you could say 'it's a shame I wasn't there when DP announced the pregnancy, but I understand his excitement in telling you. I hope you're just as excited as we are'. You may also get the positive reactions you hoped for if you were to be present during the initial announcement.
I completely understand your angry towards your DP, but as you know it would be wrong to take full control of the pregnancy without him. I'm sure DP is feeling the exact same emotions as you, with regards to the pregnancy, not the announcement. It would be a big shame for you to punish him for what seems like a mistake.
You don't have to tell your family that they were the last to know, a little white lie never hurt anyone. Make the announcement a big celebration, to make up for the disappointment you felt towards the announcement to your PIL.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, and best wishes Flowers

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Trifleorbust · 12/06/2017 11:19

I totally agree with you, OP. YOU are pregnant. YOU are going for scans. He should have respected that.

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BandeauSally · 12/06/2017 11:22

God! So much drama! I find all this "I was robbed of the opportunity" and wanting to see their reactions really cringey. Yes it's lovely news but people massively over invest in the "telling" and the "reactions" (I blame social media for making it a thing) you're behaving like you are bestowing a gift onto them and they owe you a joyous, tearful reaction.

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BandeauSally · 12/06/2017 11:22

Fwiw it's his child too, it's his news and he gets a say on when to tell his family that he is going to be a father.

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RestlessTraveller · 12/06/2017 11:23

I think that's a really horrible attitude Trifle it's like "thanks for the sperm now fuck off, everything is about me now"

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