DH announced pregnancy to family (without me).

[Merlanguis]

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first. Not planned but it's very wanted & we're both excited about it.

I am very close to my family and also have a good relationship with my in laws. This will be the first grandchild for my PIL. My MIL is particularly keen for grandkids.

Essentially, I didn't want to announce the the pregnancy to any family until after the first scan. I also felt it was important to do it in person & I wanted to see people's reactions. DH thought this was slight overkill and a phone call would do but had agreed. I have had to tell a couple of people about the pregnancy but for practical reasons. Firstly, some people at work due to bad morning sickness and a friend as I was being fitted for a bridesmaids dress.

I'm really close to my sister and mother and I have been tempted on many occasions to spill the beans as I have felt super grotty & tired in the past five weeks. However, I thought it would be unfair to tell my family and not DHs so I bit my tongue.

Just got back from a weekend away with work. My MIL had been over to stay in my absence. Husband announced pregnancy to her without me being there. He said it just slipped out. I asked what her response was and DH just shrugged his shoulders.

I feel really sad and angry. Firstly, I feel robbed of that opportunity to tell them. I was really looking forward to seeing their response. Secondly, I feel like my wishes have been massively disrespected. Finally, I feel a little sad that my family have been left til last to find out. I know that my mother and sister would be particularly upset to find out they were last to find out.

DH has apologised but essentially thinks that I am overreacting. I also want to let MIL know how upset I am by the whole thing.

There's nobody I can discuss this with so difficult to gain perspective. Feel slightly concerned that I might do something to damage my relationship with PIL. Having irrational urges to exclude them and DH from the rest of my pregnancy/scans etc. I wouldn't actually do that and realise that it probably stems from an urge to seize back control/make them understand how upset I am.

I blame Beyoncé.

Massive overreaction

His chid, his family. You don't get to only be the one to tell people. A child has two parents.

I told my family and DH told his, we didn't need to do it together or make a deal out of it. Essentially you are telling people you had unprotected sex.

Yanbu! That is really annoying.

Going against the grain somewhat, but actually I agree with Trifle and Aye- at this point in time, it's your body, your medical information, your pregnancy. Your husband doesn't have any rights over your medical information, and he should have respected your decisions. Once the baby is born, your husband's parental responsibilities kick in.

That said, there's no point in saying anything to MIL now- it isn't her fault. You'll just need to be aware that next time round you can't trust your DH to respect your need for privacy, so you need to think about telling him at a time when you're ready for everyone else to know.

Rainbows- op and her dh had agreed so following that agreement, he didn't get to be the only one to tell people. If he really didn't want that he shouldn't have agreed to it.

Having been in a similar situation, I imagine it's not just the telling of the pregnancy news but also that it feels like the dh has sold out op through laziness "it just slipped out" or, more likely, wanting to impress his mum regardless of the fact he was breaking his agreement with op. It's not nice feeling you are not worth keeping an aggeeement for on a matter as personal as that.

Agree inertia. Not your mil's fault and your dh should definitely have been loyal to the agreement you both made.

I can understand to some degree, it's exciting when it's your first child, but ask yourself if it will matter in a year from now. It really won't and once your baby is actually here you will realise that who knew first and when is of very little consequence.

Your body, not his. Your right to tell or not tell, not his.

"Your husband doesn't have any rights over your medical information, and he should have respected your decisions. Once the baby is born, your husband's parental responsibilities kick in."

What a load of prissy sounding guff! A husband of a pregnant wife has a duty to her and the unborn child from the moment he is told she's pregnant. What if the mum to be was in an accident? Should he keep schtum about her private 'medical information'? How cold and clinical you sound. It's her husband FFS, his unborn child.

You'll just need to be aware that next time round you can't trust your DH to respect your need for privacy, so you need to think about telling him at a time when you're ready for everyone else to know.

Best advice ever.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, I asked my dh not to tell anyone when we were expecting our second. I was bleeding heavily and was terrified that I was about to miscarry, I then had to listen to in-laws congratulating me over the phone. Thankfully we didn't lose our pregnancy and we now have a beautiful seven year old. The first twelve weeks can be nerve wracking!

"Your medical information" - wtf???!! That's his unborn child! The condition of pregnancy is discrete from the unborn baby.

This place is just mental sometimes. Nobody has a right to disclose becoming a father or grandmother or whatever, presumably until the baby is born, because that would be disclosing a woman's medical information?? Smh. Whatever world these people are living in, it's not the real one!

Your right to tell or not tell, not his.

It is his right to tell whoever he likes that he is going to be a father.

BandeauSally

It is, but common decency and respect - in my view - should persuade him that the person who is actually pregnant should get to decide when she is comfortable sharing the news. Many women don't want to make their pregnancies common knowledge because they are still dealing with the knowledge themselves, or because they are anxious about miscarriage. It is really inconsiderate of your pregnant partner to start sharing the news against her clearly expressed wishes. If my DH did that, I would wait until 12 weeks before I told him the next time.

In a respectful relationship it should be agreed when to announce the news (and it was in this case, he just let it slip by accident, not intentionally) however, that doesn't make it any less his right to decide when he tells people his news. If he had disagreed with OP and they couldn't agree on when to tell people then no-one gets the overall say over when the other person tells people their own news. It is his news.

BandeauSally

We aren't going to agree here. I think it is incredibly disrespectful.

That ok, we'll agree to disagree.

Any chance he thought his patents might be a bit meh about it?

Not saying they won't be pleased but maybe not totally overjoyed like yours so was trying to shield you?

At this particular point in a pregnancy, the woman would be carrying a foetus which could only survive and develop because of the life support system provided by the woman's body . There isn't a pregnancy and entirely separate baby.

It isn't the case that nobody can ever tell anyone that they are going to be a father or grandparent before the baby is born, because generally the pregnant woman tells people when she's happy for her pregnancy to be common knowledge. Most fathers-to-be have enough respect for their pregnant partners to stick to the agreement they've both made about sharing the news.

It really isn't beyond the realms of imagination to think of reasons why a woman might not want lots of people to know about a pregnancy at an early stage. There could easily be a significant risk of miscarriage, and while you' d probably want the support of your partner /parents/in laws, you might not want to have to relay the details to Uncle Tom Cobley and all if things go wrong. The woman may have medical problems which threaten the development of the foetus, or her own health. There may be a risk that the pregnancy needs to be terminated. At what point do all of you "living in the real world" allow the woman the right to decide what information is shared, and when?

I've just come back to this thread and it's turned into the most ridiculous thread ever! Don't tell your DH until after 12 weeks for future pregnancies because he can't be trusted with the information? What complete and utter rubbish!

I'm not surprised so many marriages end in divorce if this is how husbands are treated , like toddlers who can't be trusted with their wife's 'medical information'.

A husband & dad to be has told his mum by accident, AFTER the wife told a few people at work and her best friend. OP mainly seems peeved DH let the cat out the bag by accident, that her MIL didn't faint with joy at the news & that her mum and sister are 'last to know'

MajorClanger123

Who are you to tell me when I need to tell my DH if I am pregnant? Never heard anything so daft in my life.

Major - that's assuming the dh did tell his Mum by accident instead of deliberately, or through being passive aggressive as payback for agreeing to not tell (he could have manned up and said No if he didn't agree).

He did agree. He broke the agreement. That's the problem. If op was on here saying her dh would not agree to it, that would be different. But he did agree AJ he should have kept his mouth shut and lived up to his word OR been apologetic with op afterwards, which by the sound of it he wasn't. His mum must surely have been pleased with the news so why was he being tight with the op and saying she shrugged? I bet she was overjoyed and he played it down as he realised op should have been there to share the moment, the great clod.

Why would you want to exclude your PIL from future aspects of your pregnancy? They haven't done anything wrong.

trifle you can tell your DH whenever you want

I just can't imagine any situation where a wife turns round to tell her DH "darling I'm pregnant - a full 12 weeks, I've had the scan and everything, without letting onto you at all". How sad

*YABU, very.

He accidentally told his own Mum that he will be a father. Thats all, whereas you have told a friend and "some people".

Not his fault, or your MILs so no idea why you want to have a go at her and are worried about the relationship and need them to understand how upset you are?

As for your sister/Mum - well, someone is always the last to find out, they will get over it if you explain why.*

This with bells on.

Your poor mil, she has done nothinnnwrong and still you need to vent about her.

You sound quite the drama lama