DH announced pregnancy to family (without me).

[Merlanguis]

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first. Not planned but it's very wanted & we're both excited about it.

I am very close to my family and also have a good relationship with my in laws. This will be the first grandchild for my PIL. My MIL is particularly keen for grandkids.

Essentially, I didn't want to announce the the pregnancy to any family until after the first scan. I also felt it was important to do it in person & I wanted to see people's reactions. DH thought this was slight overkill and a phone call would do but had agreed. I have had to tell a couple of people about the pregnancy but for practical reasons. Firstly, some people at work due to bad morning sickness and a friend as I was being fitted for a bridesmaids dress.

I'm really close to my sister and mother and I have been tempted on many occasions to spill the beans as I have felt super grotty & tired in the past five weeks. However, I thought it would be unfair to tell my family and not DHs so I bit my tongue.

Just got back from a weekend away with work. My MIL had been over to stay in my absence. Husband announced pregnancy to her without me being there. He said it just slipped out. I asked what her response was and DH just shrugged his shoulders.

I feel really sad and angry. Firstly, I feel robbed of that opportunity to tell them. I was really looking forward to seeing their response. Secondly, I feel like my wishes have been massively disrespected. Finally, I feel a little sad that my family have been left til last to find out. I know that my mother and sister would be particularly upset to find out they were last to find out.

DH has apologised but essentially thinks that I am overreacting. I also want to let MIL know how upset I am by the whole thing.

There's nobody I can discuss this with so difficult to gain perspective. Feel slightly concerned that I might do something to damage my relationship with PIL. Having irrational urges to exclude them and DH from the rest of my pregnancy/scans etc. I wouldn't actually do that and realise that it probably stems from an urge to seize back control/make them understand how upset I am.

It sounds as if things have been rough for you, which may be why you are making such an unreasonably big deal of this. I get that you want a bit of joy after a difficult time. But I'm afraid I don't get the whole pregnancy 'announcement' thing and wanting to see people's 'reactions'. I'm afraid that that (certainly without the context) makes you come across as rather princessy and self-absorbed. And wanting to exclude the baby's father (!) from 'my pregnancy', even as an impulse you won't act on, is odd, and I'd look more closely there IIWY.

Very much in agreement with BandeauSally above.

congratulations on your pregnancy!
You are BU but I think you know that and that's why you posted.
It's natural for him to want to tell his parents and you introduced exceptions by telling work and your friend. tbh at that point, I'd have re-assessed my earlier decision and told my parents. You say you don't want them to be the last to know but they are already behind your work; your friend and anyone your work/friend told about it.

The MIL has done nothing wrong. If you have a son you will experience the mother son relationship first hand....just as close as with a daughter. Loosen up now, you can't control everything......and this is harsh but no one really cares about your pregnancy as much as you do!

Good luck with it all :)

Its clearly a biggie for him as it slipped out so was on his mind :)

Maybe all of the secretive, telling family in person, waiting for a definite (even though you are already definitely pregnant) aspects are no biggie for him which I do understand as I'm not into the whole 'reveal' stuff myself.

Hes going to be a Dad and you are going to be a Mum. Wow, that's bloody great news. Concentrate on that and not that he slipped up telling his own Mum he is going to be a Dad.

If there is a next time a quick "gosh sorry must have been something I ate" is a good explanation. They may not believe you but better than feeling forced into telling "some people" (or one Boss) that you are pregnant before your own family. Same with weddings - they are used to having to handle expanding waistlines, you could have easily waited a couple of weeks. You say you asked DH (obvs you couldn't about telling your Boss unless your DH was stood next to you), maybe he said it was OK because he didnt want to appear like he was trying to control who you tell your news to? Just a thought.

Congratulations on your pregnancy but I would try to maybe 'calm' (prob wrong word choice) down a little about it. It is very exciting and lovely but often the picture we build up of announcing a pregnancy, the family with tears of joy, excited faces, reactions and so on is a bit far removed from the reality once it wears off.

YANBU. We didn't want to tell anyone until after the scan and screening results. I'd have been furious if he went against what you agreed.

I have sons Lucille I would be quite surprised with them if they disclosed a pregnancy when they had agreed with their wife not to.

RestlessTraveller

Rubbish. My DH and I are 50:50 parents. But he wasn't a parent before I gave birth. I was pregnant. My body, my decision when people find out.

It's his family and in that respect I think it's his wishes that should be respected by you.
You tell your family when you think it's most appropriate and he should tell him (as he did).

Congrats on your pregnancy, fantastic news and please don't let this current situation overshadow the excitement of your first pregnancy.

I do know where you are coming from and I do sympathise....I have had 3 babies and I'd probably have felt like this with my first. However, please be aware that your hormones are in overdrive right now, hence your initial reaction and the need to 'take back control'.

First pregnancies are funny things - I am was quite a control freak and tried to control all sorts of stuff during my first pregnancy. I remember feeling hugely irked that my MIL spent the first few weeks after the baby was born, round our house insisting she did our ironing. I felt outrageously pissed off by it - it was a total control thing, I didn't need or want her there. Or so I thought - fast forward to baby no3 and she was welcome to come round and do all our ironing for the rest of my days .

I suspect you are wrestling more with the out of control feelings you have during pregnancy, as opposed to anything else. Your body is changing, your hormones are raging. The one thing you wanted to do was announce things your way, but your DH has scuppered that. Take a deep breath, accept its happened the way it has, and move on. Honestly, its not worth stressing over now.

This will help you massively going forward - you can't always be in control where pregnancy / babies / kids are concerned. What will happen if you plan a water birth but the pool is unavailable when you go into labour? You need to be able to cope with these out of control / off plan situations, plus work together with your DH so that you are a team. Good luck OP, and please don't let this spiral out of control.

I think it is a good lesson that you can't micromanage all things parenting related. His motives were not to undermine you, just that he was excited. I think the unreasonable ones are your family to be so ridiculous and petty at not finding out first.

YANBU to be a little annoyed at your husband but it's not fair to blame your MIL or make her feel uncomfortable. I can understand how you were looking forward to seeing her reaction (it's little things like this that make all the downsides of pregnancy - the sickness, back ache etc - that little bit more bearable).

Can I make a suggestion? Are you planning to find out the gender at the second scan? If so, can DH let you tell that to your PIL in person? Then you will get the whole surprise reaction to that - "oh, a little boy/girl how wonderful", which might make you feel better about missing out on their initial reaction.

YAB rather mumzilla about this

The level of control you like to have isn't easily achieved once the baby arrives either, try to learn to let go a little.

It's not your MIL's fault.

But it was not very nice of your DH, because you had agreed to wait, then he just decided to do his own thing.

I don't agree that it is equally his decision. At this stage, it's yours, and yours alone. You are the one who is pregnant. It's your body, and your little hitchhiker. You should get final say.

I was extremely anxious in pregnancy and didn't tell anyone other than immediate family until after the 20 week scan. I struggled with the pressure of people knowing.

But apparently the OP's reasons are mostly that her family haven't been told yet and she wanted to see MIL's reaction.

I think it's definitely one of those things you get to say "oh fgs! Well done DH!" But then put it behind you. He hasn't announced it to everyone, just his mum. It's really not worth falling out over, especilaly during such a special time for both of you. You want to enjoy your pregnancy and look back fondly on it, not be constantly reminded of feeling resentful and angry.

OP yes you had good reasons to tell those people, but I stand by what I said. Once you tell anyone, you have to tell everyone.

I have seen what happens when people hear the news from someone that isn't you. If, for example, your sister finds out from your friend, she will be really hurt.

Even though it didn't fit in with your ideal timeline, once you let the cat out of the bag, you kinda have to tell everyone. It's also a big secret to demand other people keep.

'Everyone feels slightly overwhelmed, and protective of announcing their first pregnancy. Some PPs need to be a little sensitive to that.'

No, not everyone. Some people don't see it as some big drama, the telling of it and don't see the point of making some big announcement because you want to see their reactions (Eh? What do you expect them to do? 'Congratulations, that's wonderful,' and then resume normal service, mostly).

'I don't agree that it is equally his decision. At this stage, it's yours, and yours alone. You are the one who is pregnant. It's your body, and your little hitchhiker. You should get final say. '

And you wouldn't be pregnant without him. It's his, too.

I blame social media for all this need for drama, big announcements and the like.

MN: If a man doesnt want to get a woman pregnant then he shouldnt have sex. If the woman gets pregnant its his responsibility for his child.

Others on MN: Pregnancy has nothing to do with the man, its the womens body. He should just step back.

So which is it?

Eh, both?

If he gets a woman pregnant, he is responsible for the resulting child, once it's born.

If she wants to terminate the pregnancy, then that's her call alone. The pregnancy is hers. Not his. It's her body. Her medical information.

The child, if and when it is born, is both of theirs. And both are responsible.

Get a grip, you're pregnant, be happy.

Stop trying to be a ridiculous control freak.

Op be careful you don't set yourself up to be massively disappointed when you're looking for people's reactions. What you're going to get is lots of "awwwww, congratulations" and then nobody will care much until your baby is born and then they'll go "awwwww, congratulations" and then they'll lose interest. Nobody is as interested in your pregnancy as you are apart from your husband. It's his baby too and he's allowed to want to tell his mum. Just like you're allowed to want to tell your mum. He's a human being with feelings and emotions, just like you are. You do not get to be a dictator when your share parenthood with someone. Best get your head round that now before you set yourself up for problems which need not exist.

Thats a mighty fine line you have men walking there AyeAmarok.

Lots of women come on here to complain that men arent doing enough to help them get through the pregnancy etc. Dont think the answer is to be told that pregnancy is nothing to do with them.

AyeAmarok

Exactly.

Congratulations, OP, how lovely and how exciting!

OK, it is a bit upsetting that he couldn't keep it to himself, but it was his Mum, and she was staying with him.....

Plan a lovely way to tell your Mum and sister asap. No need to make a 'thing' of who knows first etc: it isn't a competition and you do not want to start up any expectations of anyone having 'rights' about who is first for anything. They are a team around you and DP, and around your baby - none of it is a contest. This is especially true for once the baby is born, who visits etc. Each moment is precious and magical and no more important for being 'first'.

"I also want to let MIL know how upset I am by the whole thing" No, really, really do not do that. It isn't MIL's fault, she will get the idea that you wanted to keep her in the dark...NOTHING to be gained by it, only a good relationship to be lost.

Your DP has apologised, and you are spinning the reaction into a big drama. Understandable, because your emotions are haywire.

Wishing you the best of luck with scans etc.

Stop being obtuse, diem.

Of course, if your wife that you love is pregnant, then the DH should and would want to support her, help, and be involved.

But if the woman decides she doesn't want the man (be that husband, casual partner, ONS, ex) to be involved in her pregnancy, then he has no rights at that point. He can't come to scans. He cannot get test results. He cannot be at the birth. He cannot stop her terminating the pregnancy if she wants to. It is not his pregnancy.

That is the reality, and there are extremely good reasons for that.