DH announced pregnancy to family (without me).

[Merlanguis]

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first. Not planned but it's very wanted & we're both excited about it.

I am very close to my family and also have a good relationship with my in laws. This will be the first grandchild for my PIL. My MIL is particularly keen for grandkids.

Essentially, I didn't want to announce the the pregnancy to any family until after the first scan. I also felt it was important to do it in person & I wanted to see people's reactions. DH thought this was slight overkill and a phone call would do but had agreed. I have had to tell a couple of people about the pregnancy but for practical reasons. Firstly, some people at work due to bad morning sickness and a friend as I was being fitted for a bridesmaids dress.

I'm really close to my sister and mother and I have been tempted on many occasions to spill the beans as I have felt super grotty & tired in the past five weeks. However, I thought it would be unfair to tell my family and not DHs so I bit my tongue.

Just got back from a weekend away with work. My MIL had been over to stay in my absence. Husband announced pregnancy to her without me being there. He said it just slipped out. I asked what her response was and DH just shrugged his shoulders.

I feel really sad and angry. Firstly, I feel robbed of that opportunity to tell them. I was really looking forward to seeing their response. Secondly, I feel like my wishes have been massively disrespected. Finally, I feel a little sad that my family have been left til last to find out. I know that my mother and sister would be particularly upset to find out they were last to find out.

DH has apologised but essentially thinks that I am overreacting. I also want to let MIL know how upset I am by the whole thing.

There's nobody I can discuss this with so difficult to gain perspective. Feel slightly concerned that I might do something to damage my relationship with PIL. Having irrational urges to exclude them and DH from the rest of my pregnancy/scans etc. I wouldn't actually do that and realise that it probably stems from an urge to seize back control/make them understand how upset I am.

I'd be very unimpressed with DH for agreeing one thing and doing another. He should have told you to your face that he was super keen to share the news ASAP. Otherwise, it's not about control and excluding people from things and it isn't a competition either (his parents found out before mine etc).

You could just treat it as him sharing with his family when he saw fit and you sharing when you want to with yours.

Personally, I'm very surprised you shared with a friend and a colleague before telling your families. Did you seek DH approval before sharing with them?

I'd only tell DH that I'm disappointed that you agreed one thing and he disrespected that.

He's excited because it's his baby as well as yours & he accidentally let the news slip. I'm not quite sure how you could exclude your DH from the rest of your pregnancy, as there's going to be a walloping big bump there for him to see. Not telling him about scans etc is simply cutting your nose off to spite your face. YABU.

You are OTT. I wonder if the morning sickness is making you feel a bit fragile (sorry for being so blunt).

I would worry more about your needy sister and mother who you think will be disappointed not to hear first!?! They won't be the last to know (unless you tell everyone first) they just wont be the first family told.

Yes he made a mistake, but has appologised. Feeling sad you missed it is one thing, but anger/ telling him MIL "how you feel" etc seems way OTT

Yeah I think you're overreacting as well

Maybe you should tell everyone you want to tell now too.

you chose not to tell your mum and sister

you told work and a friend(bm duties) first over them

you can say you are sad your family are last to know, but thats your fault

dh may have said the same,he didnt want his mum to be last,its his news as well and assume he is excited and wanted to tell his mum

you either get all inlaws over together,or you tell at same time

and why did dh shrug? does that mean in laws didnt jump and up down with joy?

Having irrational urges to exclude them and DH from the rest of my pregnancy/scans etc.

Ooh I missed this part! That's actually quite a strange reaction OP. For starters your MIL did nothing wrong so why would you want to punish her along with your DH (which is why you would be doing it). Secondly, is there a reason you are so possessive over your pregnancy/baby? Is this what your DH can expect when his child is born?

Btw it is incredibly easy to let good news slip out. Especially as he is so used to taking about the baby freely with you at home. He was at home with MIL and completely forgot that she didn't know. Easily done.

I am keeping a surprise from my children but my mum and sister know. I've lost count of the number of times I've had to stop myself mid sentence because I was about to drop the surprise.

We also decided not to tell anyone until after the 12wk scan & we didn't.

I think once you have already told people-for whatever reason, it seems daft to not tell others.

So you told a friend & were still keeping it from your family to do a "big reveal"-that's really odd to me.

So, knowing that some people already knew, he decided to tell his mum as she happened to be there.

Can't really see the problem tbh.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Before concluding whether he's been unreasonable or not... Go and stay with your family for several days and see if nothing slips out.

It's such a wonderful big life changing/ making thing that's happening to you both.

It's great that it's in his mind, even when you're not around. Not so great it slipped out but I can relate that in a few days with a parent in close proximity it'd be really hard not to be just rambling on about stuff in life and something like this major element and future plans being really hard to avoid.

It's alright to be angry, disappointed and yet understanding too.

In the nicest way possible, I think you are being a bit controlling in wanting to manage this news so closely. Although you're right to be a bit irritated your DH told someone first, it's worth remembering that it's difficult to keep these secrets from close family relations for long.

Whatever you do please don't cause a scene about it, withhold scans, and create bad feelings about you and the baby. Aside from being inexcusable selfish of you, in the first few months and years you will probably need help from these very people for baby sitting, picking up from school, etc, trips to legoland, or just help going to the shops to pick up a few things when your baby's teething and you're to exhausted with lack of sleep to get out.

And in addition to that your child will benefit from having the best possible relationships with the greatest number of family members they can as it will expose them to all sorts of different influences and types of relationships and if you scare the family off now, your child will likely only suffer later.

Good luck with the pregnancy. There'll be plenty of ways the family can demonstrate their responses to your pregnancy (without you having to witness their responses to the announcement) to enjoy over the next few months, if you let them.

YANBU. There is plenty of time to tell people after the first scan and your DH should have respected your wishes.

Don't tell him about the next pregnancy before the scan, then. (you say it is your first, so I assume you mean there'll be a second) That's what one does with people who can't keep secrets.

But don't punish the in laws for it, they did nothing wrong.

Next time, tell everything you want your family to know before, or at the same time as his, to your family before telling him.

Congrats on the pregnancy
Tell your mother and sister ASAP. It's lovely news, exciting news. Really the last thing on their minds should be who knew first. It's irrelevant. Don't say anything to your MIL about what happened.

Take care of yourself.

I never understand the whole keeping it a secret from close family..would they not be supportive if you miscarry? Sound like they would be a help so why not tell them and your in laws too? Really doesn't have to be this big secret..

He probably just wanted to tell his Mum.
You decided he shouldn't. Don't worry OP, tell your family, and enjoy your pregnancy. Let it go.
Congratulations 🍾💐

You're being a complete drama queen.

Why would you want to upset your MIL over something she had no choice in finding out?

You don't have to tell your family they are the last to know and if they ask just say DP has told his mum and leave it at that. If they have a problem they'll just I've to get over it (if the do have a problem then I see where you get your ridiculousness from).

Don't be harsh to your MIL though, you'll just look like a nasty twat.

All that said, I think that you're not unreasonable to want the main say in who knows you're pregnant before 12 weeks as it's your body. The same with any medical issues you may face along the way so maybe try explaining it to DP that way- that it's your private medical information. But yeah, don't be too much of a princess about it, it won't win you any friends (or babysitters) in the long run.

I know what you mean though OP, although you are being a tiny bit U.

It would have been nice even if it had slipped out, if DH had said oh MIL was so excited, can't wait to celebrate with you etc I imagine? Anyway, it doesn't matter.

The only reason to avoid telling people early on is so that you don't have to then tell them if anything goes wrong. Presumably you will want support from your mum and sis if something did go wrong so go ahead and tell them! Enjoy their reactions.

Definitely don't tell MIL how upset you are - from your OP it doesn't sound like she did anything wrong. And don't stay mad at DH - it is his news too and it isn't a big crime to share it with his mum!

Lots of others with kids will be along to tell you how this level of control-seeking will make you miserable. And it will. I can totally sympathise though - but time to shrug and move on.

Also things do slip out, my sibling told they were expecting by saying 'we were saying that to the midwife the other day'! Dozy gits. TBH I'd guessed by then anyway, in fact I can't think of a time when it hasn't been obvious that someone is preg before then announce it, you just don't ask and do your best WOW face!

YABU, very.

He accidentally told his own Mum that he will be a father. Thats all, whereas you have told a friend and "some people".

Not his fault, or your MILs so no idea why you want to have a go at her and are worried about the relationship and need them to understand how upset you are?

As for your sister/Mum - well, someone is always the last to find out, they will get over it if you explain why.

Personally I didn't tell any family member until after the scan. When I had losses it helped that I didn't have to let family know.

I could understand him just accidentally saying it, forgive him and move on. I think because the news is out you should tell your DM and DSis though, swear them to secrecy, then keep it under wraps until after the scan, no one else needs to know right now do they? You don't need to advise timelines of when other people know.

YABU.

It's his baby too and wanting to exclude DH from future scans etc is fucking pathetic.

Thank you for the comments.

The only reason that I told the people that I did is because I did not have any other choice. I'm a health care professional and I was sick at work in front of a boss; I had to offer an explanation. My friend was about to spend a couple of hundred pounds on a dress that I knew that I may not fit in to in the autumn. I wasn't sure what to do. I asked DH's permission before hand.

I realise that my reaction to my MIL is irrational and as a result of anger that I feel my wishes were not respected. I guess that's the hard thing when you know you are having an irrational response, is trying to work out what the real issue is that is getting to you. Luckily, I haven't thrown a grenade in to my relationship with my PIL, I've vented to a load of strangers.

The reason for waiting to tell people was a considered decision. I have my final exam (in a series of exams which I have been working towards since 2011) which falls bang on the 12 week mark. Studying in my evenings, working full time and full blown morning sickness has been an uphill battle. It seemed to make sense for me to try and concentrate on that, have my scan and then go and then go visit all the family and tell them together in person. It's been a stressful time in my family. My dearest, much loved, father has had a series of strokes in recent months. My poor mum has been at her wits end. I guess I wanted to wait until our news was more definite before adding that into the foray. They will be overjoyed. I discussed all of the above with my DH and we agreed a plan. If he had objected then I would have listened.

He's a good chap & I think for him it just wasn't a biggie.

I guess I wanted to wait until our news was more definite before adding that into the foray. They will be overjoyed.

Well, him telling his mum hasn't changed that. He hasn't added anything into your parent's foray. They are still in exactly the same position as before he told his mother. You can still wait to tell them when you have had your scan.

Yabu and definitely sound massively controlling.also when you tell your own family surely they don't need to be told that other people already know before them. I never understand this. Surely they will offer congratulations, not ask who knows already.
And the comment about excluding your dp/pil from rest of pregnancy and scans, wow, that sounds lovely.