To be a bit upset with my friends?

[Madammim17]

Fully prepared to be told that I'm being over sensitive here but I just need some perspective really.

I'm the first one in my friendship group to have a baby; DS who is a little over a year old. I'm also a single mum and the father is not involved. My friends have been an excellent source of support and, until recently, I couldn't fault them for anything.
They're great with my son and have been massively supportive and helpful towards me. However, over the last few months, things have started to change and I'm now struggling to not feel upset about it.

My friends and I are all in a group chat so that it takes just two seconds to let everyone know if something's happening and we can meet etc. I choose my occasions wisely and obviously specific events such as a birthday would take priority over a night down the pub, and anything overnight is a no no, so naturally I'm fine with missing out on things in those circumstances. Plus we all quite enjoy nights in with board games and movies etc so there's been plenty of nights in at mine when the baby is asleep so I've been lucky in still being able to have a social life and such. But recently I've stopped being invited to a lot of things, and not the usual Friday night down the pub things but daytime events that there isn't really any reason to not invite me to, aside from they just don't want me there. The latest being on the bank holiday weekend, on the Saturday we were at a friend's birthday and those of us who were available agreed to do something on the Sunday. I sent a couple of messages to ask what people felt like doing and received no reply, only to later find out that they'd all 'coincidentally' bumped into each other on the way to get their cars and decided to go to a nearby town (ten minute drive) for lunch and it was all very last minute etc, and they didn't seem to see the problem that I had effectively been left sat at home wondering why nobody was answering me.

I know it probably sounds pathetic but it's happening with more and more frequency; when I'm at things, they don't really treat me any differently to how they always have so I don't really understand it. When it comes to events, I would suggest something like going to the cinema or for lunch or a picnic, nobody will reply except my best friend who is the only one who isn't doing any of this, but when somebody mentions anything else they'll reply even if it's just to say no. Or it'll be a case of where everyone will suggest something and they'll all agree to the thing I can't go to, which again is fine on occasions but it's nearly every time now and it's just starting to feel a bit unfair. I've mentioned it a little bit and have just been met with comments that I'm overreacting or that it's not true and because they all say that, I don't know what to think anymore.

I appreciate they're all young and without commitments and that I'm the one with the baby so essentially it's my problem and I swear that most of the time, it really hasn't bothered me, but it's just building up now and I can't help but feel really upset and left out, and actually quite hurt especially because they've been so great up until now. I'm usually an assertive and confident person in these situations but this has really made me feel vulnerable and lacking in confidence. My best friend is moving away in September, only London but it's still quite far and I'm just dreading what things will be like. So AIBU?

Sorry this is so long, but any advice or kicks up the ass would be great.

Maybe they've assumed your priorities have changed?

Perhaps you've had to turn a lot of events down and they're assuming you aren't interested? Or, they don't want to make you feel bad by inviting you and you having no choice but to say no.

You're in a different place now. Things have changed, and everyone is re-adjusting.

You need to have an honest conversation with them.

Its what happens when you have a baby and none of your friends do. i had my baby at 21 and slowly lost all of my single friends. They still keep in touch but it was the end of the childless group.
I see it as a rite of passage really.
I had to make friends with other mums and now I'm 55 all my friends are my kind of age with grown up children, we grow up and move on.

I'm not sure what you can do OP, it sounds like you have already been nicely assertive with them and asked what the issue is, you suggest meet ups, and you do go out without the baby!

For whatever reason the Mir friendship seems to be on the wane.

I'd try and focus on generating some new friends, you only need 1 or 2 who might be in a similar circumstance. Another single mother or someone whose partner works odd shifts or something would be good company as you'll both have similar expectations around socialising and children.

You mention things like Friday night drinks. I used to do Friday after work pub before having kids, but tbh it's the kind of thing that tends to go by the wayside once you're dashing to pick the baby up from nursery. Unless there is some specific event which has happened (real or imaginary) then I really think your friends are just not wanting to encroach on what they see as your valuable weekend time. But you'll only find out by asking. Pick the friend you're closest to and just explain how you feel and ask for an honest response. If there's been some
Misunderstanding hopefully you can resolve it.

OP I don't really think it sounds like it's 'you' like lots of other posters are saying. I just don't think there is much you can do to change it.

Madam it sounds really hard and I think you are dealing very well with a lot of blunt replies.
I found that having kids changed all my friendships. My bff ended up cutting me out if her life when I married. I didn't deal with her feelings well - she always wanted a husband and kids, was older than me and found it hard when I got pg.
Couple friends we had gone out to dinner with almost once a week drifted away too. The had older kids and a baby who was very hard work wasn't much fun. I couldn't go out as had no family help to babysit. I still dont and people just can't accept it.

I know that isn't the same as your situation but I think it is very common for friendships to change and fade.

With regard to meeting other mums. Try not to worry about it. Once your boy goes to nursery you will meet a wide selection of mums. There will be some you gel with. I have great friends I met online from a parenting forum, at schools and at activities. I find it very hard to keep friendships going when they are not easy to maintain due to distance etc. I think you should ask them outright. Mention you seem to be left out if stuff and try to keep in with the group so long as they are being nice to you. I think the friendships will fade but you will meet other people who have kids if the same age and that makes things much easier.
Good luck. You are doing a sterling job doing it all on your own.

Oh yeah as someone mentioned, a single mum friend will be a far better match socially. DH works away for long periods of time and is not involved in my social circles.. I am very aware that people like to hang out with their family at the weekend. Also I never get invited out to dinners etc, people prefer couples. It feels very lonely.

You're in a different phase of your life and friendship dynamics naturally change when we start leading different lifestyles.

All my original friends are now parents, i'm child-free by choice.

I've had to find new (child free) friends to 'hang out' with as my original friends no longer live that lifestyle.
I can't do any 'last minute' things with them.
Whenever they bring their dc along (they've never taken the piss), i still have to be on my best behaviour as such - watch my language, careful about the topics/conversations i bring up etc.
So even though your dc is too young to notice these things your friends will still self-censor - out of respect for you....it gets tiresome.

I used to still invite them out knowing beforehand they would most likely decline. I did it because i didn't want them to feel left out - eventually that got tiresome too.
One friend snapped at me to stop 'rubbing' her nose in it - which when you look at it from her point of view you can understand why she'd feel like that.

I think in this kind of situation nobody can do right for doing wrong.
The best way to deal with it is through open and honest communication.
YOU know why you're not attending certain events - but to them it could look like you're just not interested unless you can take your ds.

My dynamic with my old friends has changed but not our friendship.
I told them straight - 'i don't know what to do. i don't want you to feel like you're being left out/i don't want to hang out with you, but at the same time i don't want you to feel like i'm rubbing your nose in it by constantly inviting you to things you can't attend'.

we all laughed and agreed it was a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' kind of situation.
The result of that conversation was that we all understood each other better, we got the 'taboo' stuff out in the open.

Some friends now will contact me when they want/are having a night out.
A couple of friends still enjoy being asked even though we know the answer will be 'no'.
Some friends don't want to hear about my child-free lifestyle - so we have limited contact.
Others still want hear about my shenanigans and we can enjoy chatting about our respective lives.

You explain if very well couldntmakethisshitup.
That's what I was getting at- maybe they think, goodness, best not invite Madammin along to Friday drinks/ Sat lunch, she's been at work all week and this is her time with her child.

It's a shame, and I don't think it's very nice of them to not reply to your suggestions for meetups or to suddenly start arranging things without telling you. Ideally you would all just be upfront and honest: they could say they sometimes want to do things without a baby in tow changing the dynamic and you could say you are starting to feel isolated and hurt and you'd all find a compromise. But I guess real life is more complicated than that and even good friends find it hard to say things like that to each other without taking it badly.

Maybe you could address it head on: next time you do something with them acknowledge that it does change the dynamics having a baby around and you understand it might be a drag for them, but you'd hate to lose their friendship entirely and you hope that you'll still be able to see each other sometimes even if not as much as before. If this doesn't effect any changes, then it's probably time to look for new friends...

In my experience once you have children you become persona non grata to people with or without kids. Because you've dared to say no to them once or twice they get all pathetically huffy and personal.

Couldnt explains this very well from the other side of the picture. As a childfree person I found I was dropped when all my friends started having children (which is the opposite of what Off says). It was much easier for them to find new friends at mums and toddlers and then school who were in the same boat, who could meet up during the day while baby was asleep and I was at work, who they could share parenting horrors and joys with. Evenings out happened very very rarely either due to babysitters or just being too tired and at weekends they only wanted to do family things. It's sad but it's the natural evolution. You're getting the flip side of it and because you're the first. Occasionally I would get invited to something, but it would always revolve around the kids - we're all going out for a picnic in the park this Sunday afternoon - and because everyone else had kids, I was totally left out of any conversation. No one minds doing that occasionally, but there was no compromise the other way - I was expected to fit in with the parents every time.

At the end of the day OP it is YOUR life that has changed, not your friends.

Completely understand how hurtful this is. I don't think you can do anything to change it though (apart from looking for different friends). The more you miss out on things, the less they make the effort to include you, nothing you can do about it. A similar thing happened to me with a group of 'friends' because my Dh was away working a lot and I had kids to look after myself, whereas their DH was always around to babysit. They were completely ignorant about it, even asking (years later) why I'd drifted away. I hadn't. They'd just been too busy with things I couldn't attend!

Also I think when you're in your twenties there's a "core" group that ebbs and flows each year. The people who can make every occasion will always be in the core group.

The one who can only make half the evening events, or who can't make daytime events on occasion, or who brings a baby on the daytime events she can attend......well 20something social groups are quite selfish and she can find herself downgraded with brutal haste.

And I think you've been downgraded from core to second tier.

It's shit and I don't know what to advise. Yes, mum friends are far better to have at this stage but it's not that easy to make them. I know there are online services that match you up with other mums in your area but that doesn't solve your friend problem. Particularly since they won't even acknowledge anything has changed in the dynamic when it's screamingly obvious it has.

I couldn't remember the name of the"Tinder for lonely mums" but I looked it up and it's an app called Peanut. @susiejverrill was talking about it (follow her btw, her Insta is great for young mums).

OP- this really struck me in your first post:

"My friends have been an excellent source of support and, until recently, I couldn't fault them for anything.
They're great with my son and have been massively supportive and helpful towards me. "

I think it's one of 2 things... either something completely unrelated to your ds.

Or, the fairly normal pattern of growing apart a bit more is happening. I know when the first woman in my friendship group had a baby, everyone was all over her at first! There'd almost be a fight over who was going to hold the baby- blimey she even had volunteers for nappy changes. And when he was a cute little new born and still meeting up for lunch as he was asleep in his pram, there wasn't really any change.

6 months down the line was a very different story.... the novelty factor had worn off so no one was fighting to get their hands on the baby, and a 6 month old is far less easy to bring along to events anyway. As your child is a year, you're talking about having a child in a high chair at lunches.

Looking back I really don't think my friends were being harsh to the woman who reproduced first. It wasn't a case of sidelining her... it was just a natural changing of circumstances and priorities. When I had my first a few years later, I didn't expect things to Continue unchanged.

Although you keep pointing out that you don't always bring your son along, you do emphasise the motherhood issue in your OP, so it seems you're making a connection with your ds and the friends issue.

I don't think any or us who've made this point are being mean, and I really hope you resolve things and widen your friendship circle. I just get the impression that because your friends were great and hands on to start with, you're feeling hurt that they're now less involved, when in fact it's quite natural that your paths have diverged

Is it maybe a scheduling or flexibility issue? If they invite you, they know they'll have to wait for you to find out if you can get childcare before you can commit and it's not just a case of you checking your diary. When you're single and/or childless, lots of social meet ups up happenstance and not necessarily planned weeks in advance.

They might also feel like they're putting upon you by constantly inviting you to things that aren't straightforward for you to attend, as they appreciate it's extra hassle for you, and if it's a pretty minor/low-key meet up, they might feel it's unfair to expect you to make special arrangements.

It's a hard one OP. I was the first of my main group of friends to have kids (by 7 years!) and I found it did change the dynamics. Generally I think most people don't mind a small baby around, especially the first in the group because it is novel and the baby itself is portable and more controllable than older children. Once they become toddlers they are more a feature of a day out and often dominate things - through no fault of their own.
I have a lot of children and whilst they are, in my opinion, fantastic kids I find most other people's children of little to no interest and consequently I don't want to spend my adult time with them.

It's hard because your DC is a part of your life and of course you expect some adjustment from your friends and some support but equally I would be very frustrated to make a date to spend time with a friend and have the baby there each and every time or even more often than not.

It's a bit like that one friend who always brings her boyfriend along, it changes the group dynamic. You don't hate the boyfriend or your friend and it wouldn't be an issue every now and then but if it is the majority of the time then it gets old fast.

Yanbu op they don't sound like very good friends to be suddenly treating you like this? I also don't think being in your 20s should be an excuse as well. In our friendship group only one of our friends had a baby in her 20s and we never excluded her. It was left entirely up to her whether to bring her baby anywhere or not. I then had Ds and my friends couldn't have done more than be supportive.
What do your friends expect you do to with baby knowing you are a single mum?
Yes a baby does change the dynamic but what do they expect you to do about it

So really I can't win.

I don't expect my friends to alter their lives for me or to tolerate the presence of my baby at everything, and I don't want them around just to be some sort of support, I want them to treat me like a person, like a friend, who wants to spend time with other adults who mean a lot to me. I've already said that I'm not just talking about things where I have no choice to bring my son, in cases where I'm the one who suggests something which doesn't involve him, which suggests that I have someone to look after him, and I get no response, I don't think it's excused by them just 'assuming' I can't do something, which in itself is unfair in my opinion.

I appreciate the comments from everyone but I don't know why some posters are choosing to continuously fixate on the times where I would have to bring DS when I've already repeatedly mentioned that it isn't just those times.

Tbf I think it was the way you focused in your OP about being the first one to have a child. It came across as though you assumed that was pivotal to the change.

From what you've said now, it does sound as though there's a group cooling off for some totally different reason.

All I can suggest again, is pick the member of the group you're closest to and ask them
What's going on

I think it's because you seem adamant that your child isn't the issue.

Perhaps try meeting up with your friends as individuals rather than as a group?

A lot of friendships are friendships of convenience eg socialising with work colleagues. They tend to lapse when the common connection goes. I think you have less in common with your friends than you did before. Your lives are heading in different directions. It's the way of the world. try not to take it too personally

I don't think it's necessarily anything you've done, OP.

I really do just think friendships drift at certain times in life.

I've been there OP, and even now I have to turn down events because "sorry, can't get babysitting!" And DS is 10. But my friends haven't ever binned me off because of it. Some of us have kids, some of us don't and we're understanding and meet up individually anyway.

I'm with IfNot - there comes a point where you are the experienced parent and they're just starting having babies. I had DS at 25. Many of my friends who didn't get it when I had DS are just having their first now. Whilst they are bemoaning sleepless nights, cracked nipples, leaking boobs and shitty nappies on Facebook I'm checking in to the local wine bar with the other mums from youth club having a laugh whilst we have a few hours child free.

One thing I can liken this too is chronic illness. I was very ill with ME as a teen and a lot of friends dropped me because I couldn't keep up and go out with them all the time. Over time if you say you can't make it enough then they don't invite you any more, and worse, assume you might flake on something you organised (I had another friend with ME do this - he would fill his social calendar then flake on loads of stuff at the last minute. In the end, a lot of people stopped going to things he organised - this guy has tons of acquaintances, a good deal of friends, but barely anyone could make his 30th birthday for example - he just wasn't important enough any more.).

If you can't get to Mum groups you may have a tough few years ahead. I didn't make many really good mum friends until DS was 6 or 7 but now I've found my tribe. As he got older my DParents were happy to babysit more and I joined a hobby group too when he was 7. I'm now very rarely short of people to hang out with.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, if they see you as needy they may distance themselves more. Do try and find some things - are you a member of Gingerbread? They do some good meet up groups that are child friendly.